News flash: A government spokesman has announced that a number of male p.o.r.n stars are to be arrested. The spokesman confirmed that ministers have viewed the videotape evidence. The tapes conclusively show that these men have, "Weapons of a.s.s Destruction."
Curtains.
A blonde walks into a curtain store and says to the a.s.sistant, "I"d like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen please."
Surprised a.s.sistant replies, "Excuse me miss, but computers don"t need curtains."
"O yes they do," replies the irritated blonde, "My machine has got Windows."
Q: Why has the Avon Lady got a funny walk?
A: Because she"s got lipstick.
The toilet.
A bloke walks into a public toilet where he finds two cubicles. One of them is occupied and the other one is empty. He enters the empty closes the cubicle, drops his pant and sits down.
A voice then comes from the cubicle and says, "Morning mate, how are you going?""
Thinking this a bit strange but not wanting to be rude the guy replies "Fine thanks." After a short pause, the voice says, "So, what are you up to mate?"
Again unsure he answers reluctantly, "Ahh, Er I"m just having a quick c.r.a.p and yourself?"
He then hears the voice for the third time, "Look sorry mate, I"ll have to call you back, I"ve got some d.i.c.khead sat next to me that keeps answering all my questions."
One-stone.
An Indian was named One-stone because he had only one t.e.s.t.i.c.l.e. After years of torment One-stone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me One-stone again I will kill them!"
The word quickly spread and no one called him one-stone any again. Then one day a young woman forgot and said, "Good morning One-stone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest. There he s.h.a.gged her day and night, day after day until she eventually died from exhaustion.
Again the word quickly spread that One-stone meant business.
Years went by until an old woman returned to the village after many years away. She was overjoyed when she saw one-stone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you One-stone." Again, One-stone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest. He s.h.a.gged her day and night, day after day until she eventually died from exhaustion.
Which just goes to show guys you really should be careful because, "You can kill two birds with one stone!"
News flash: In a freak accident today both carriageways of the M1 were closed.
Police still have no idea what caused the lead vehicle, a truck, to shed its load of human hair. They suspect something on the carriageway caused a puncture and say that the road will remain closed while they combing the area.
One night after making love together, a husband and wife are snuggled up close.
In a rare tender mood the husband whispers, "I love you terribly."
The wife replies, "Yea, you certainly do."
Q: How do you make a Venetian blind?
A: Poke him in the eye.
Diets.
A college kid goes home during the summer. When he opens the refrigerator he finds a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily clad young woman taped to the inside of the door.
"Mum, what"s this?" He asks.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she replies.
"And is it working?" asks the kid.
"Well Yes and no," his mum explains. "I"ve lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
Fat Free French Fries.
A guy is intrigued by a sign at fast food restaurant and so decides to stop. The sign reads, "Try our Fat Free French fries!"
When he gets inside he"s dismayed to see the a.s.sistant pull a basket of fries, dripping with oil, from the fryer. The a.s.sistant fills a bag with the fries and puts them with the guys order.
"Just a minute!" says the guy, "These Fry aren"t fat free."
"Yes, they are," replies the a.s.sistant, "we only charge for the potatoes, the fat is free!"
Thought for the day - If it takes forever to find a shorter way to do something is it still shorter?
Thought for the day - Golf b.a.l.l.s are like eggs. They"re white, sold by the dozen and a week later you have to buy more.
The fleeing patient.
A patient is seen fleeing down a hospital corridor just before his operation.
"What"s wrong?" a pa.s.ser by asks.
"I"ve just heard the nurse say, "It"s a very simple operation, don"t worry, I"m sure it will be all right.""
"She was just trying to comfort you," replied the pa.s.ser-by, "what"s so frightening about that?"
"She wasn"t talking to me," stuttered the frightened patient, "She was talking to the doctor!"
The Racehorse.
A famous racehorse was enjoying a workout, when he stopped to speak to another horse that was tethered to a post. The tethered horse mused...
"I can"t remember your mane, but your pace seems familiar."
Girl Power Jokes.
Q: What should a girl do if your boyfriend walks out?
A: Close the door.
Q: When should a girl care for a man"s company?
A: When he owns it.
Q: How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A: Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Q: Why do men get married?
A: So they don"t have to hold their stomachs in anymore.
Q: What are a girls four most favourite animals?
A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an a.s.s to pay for it all.
Q: Why do men prefer electric lawn mowers?