A guy goes to the doctors and says, "Doc all my friends say I"m a hypochondriac, but I"m sure I"ve got something wrong with me, I"ve got a terrible pain in my a.r.s.e."
"OK drop your pants and I"ll take a look," says the doc.
After a quick exam the doc with a puzzles expression notes, "You"ve got a lettuce leaf sticking out of your b.u.m."
"I knew it," says the guy, "and I bet that"s just the tip of the Ice-berg!"
Q: What kind of shoes to frogs wear?
A: Open Toad.
Two ants are playing football in a saucer when one of them totally misses a kick.
His pal says, "You"ll have to do better than that tomorrow when we"re playing in the cup!"
Did you hear about the guy that kept all his money in the freezer?
He said he wanted, "Cold, Hard, Cash!"
Q: What do you call a rock fan with a sausage on their head?
A: A head banger.
Newsflash: Did you hear about the Cornish baker that managed to increase his sales by making his Pasties four times larger?
Apparently he quadrupled his turnover.
Q: What do you get if you live on a diet of beans and onions?
A: Tear gas!
Did you hear about the 10 stone guy that had 5 stone t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es?
People said he was half-nuts!
Q: What did the paranoid TV say to its therapist?
A: I think someone is watching me!
The Building Site.
A guy goes for a job interview on a building site.
"We drink a lot of Tea here," says the foreman. "Can you make Tea?"
"Yea," replies the guy.
"And can you drive a fork lift truck?"
"Yea," replies the guy, "But just how big is the f.u.c.king pot?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger Rejected Campaign Slogans.
Elect me or I"ll make another comedy.
I will shrink the deficit like my steroid-saturated nut-sack.
I can bench 450.
I didn"t hear nothing over at the Kennedy place.
I can"t f.u.c.k up too badly, I"m in the gym all day.
No s.e.x scandals, my nuts are too small.
Intelligence is over-rated.
The Casino.
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the c.r.a.ps table, when a very attractive blonde woman arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.
"I hope you don"t mind," she says, "but I feel much luckier when I"m completely naked." With that, she strips from the neck down, rolls the dice and yells, "Come on, baby, Mama needs some new clothes!" As the dice come to a stop she jumps up and down and screams...
"YES! YES! I"VE WON, I WON!" She hugs each of the dealer in turn and then picks up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumfounded.
"What did she roll?" One dealer asks the other.
"I don"t know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but when a naked woman is around most men are.
The Silent Treatment.
A husband and wife are having some problems at home and are giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week, the man realises that he will need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he writes on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
The next morning the man wakes up and discovers that its 9:00 AM and that he"s missed his flight.
Furious, he is about ask his wife why she didn"t wake him, when he notices a piece of paper on the bed. The paper said, "It"s 5:00 AM. Wake up!"
A guy says to his pal.
"Did you hear about the vicar that was kicked in the groin by a baby boy he was baptising?"
"Nope," says his pal, "what happened?"
"Nothing much," says the guy, "But I won"t have called my kid, Omar Nuts."
Cla.s.s Of 2003...
Having just graduated from Harvard, the young man was very excited thinking about his future. Getting into a taxi, the driver says to him, "How are you on this beautiful, sunny day?"
"I"m the cla.s.s of 2003. I just graduated from Harvard and I"m very excited about getting out there and seeing what the world has in store for me!"
The driver shakes the young man"s hand and replies, "Congratulations young man. I"m George, Cla.s.s of 1988."
I"ll tell him later.
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It"s for my husband," she tells the a.s.sistant.
"Do you what gauge he wants?" asks the a.s.sistant.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn"t even know that I"m going to shoot him!"
Teaching cla.s.s.
A young subst.i.tute teacher asks her cla.s.s, "If three birds are sitting on a telephone wire and a farmer shoots one.
How many are left?"
"Please, Miss," says little Johnny, "None."
"How do you work that out, Johnny?" asks the teacher.
"Well miss, the noise of the gun would scare the other two away!"
"No," says the teacher, "the answer is two. But I like the way you think."
During the lunch break little Johnny asks the teacher, "Three women are sitting on a park bench, one eating an apple, one drinking a can of c.o.ke, and one sucking a lollipop. Which one isn"t married?"
The teach shrugs and says, "The one sucking the lollipop?"