A hunter kills a deer and takes it to a friend that is a butcher, to clean and prepare it for eating. He takes some of the meat home for dinner, but knowing that his kids are fussy eaters he decides not to tell them what kind of meat it is.
His son keeps asking him, "What"s for dinner?"
"Wait and see," he replies.
They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
"Ok," says her dad, "Here"s a hint. It"s what your mother sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams... "Don"t eat it! It"s an a.s.shole!"
The Bar Back Home.
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are sitting in a European bar that has a fantastic view, excellent beer and exceptional food.
"You know," says the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there"s a bar called Mc Tavish and the landlord there goes out of his way to make you feel at home. When you buy 4 drinks, he buys the 5th one for you."
"Well," says the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, when you buy 2 drinks, he landlord buys the 3rd one for you."
"Ah that"s nothing," says the Irishman. "In Dublin at Ryan"s Bar, the moment you set foot in the place the landlord buy"s you a drink. He"ll buy you drinks all night and when you"ve had enough he"ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on his story, but he swears every word is true.
"Did that actually happen to you?" Asks the Englishman.
"No, not me myself, personally," says the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."
Laundry.
An American businesswoman is in London for an important meeting. After checking into her hotel room she unpacked her bags. Noticing that her business suit has been badly wrinkled, she telephones reception and asks for the hotel"s valet service. After she hangings up the phone there"s a knock at the door. When she opens it an elderly Chinese man is waiting.
Impressed by the amazingly fast service, the career woman exclaims, "Wow, you come lickety-split!"
Scowling the Chinese guy replies, "No lady! I Come to get laundry."
Did you hear about the woman with the kid that is so bright she calls him son?
Guess who my short sighted pal b.u.mped into yesterday day.
Everyone!
Golf clubs.
The golfing world is celebrating a new invention that promises to revolutionize the sport. The new device called a bee nut is a fastening that allows players to adjust the club head loft. The device will drastically reduce the number of clubs a player needs. A player will be able to use the same club to putt and get out of a sand trap. Golf clubs with this modification are selling fast, and players are taking golfing picnics, so they can try their new "bee-nut putter sand-wedge."
A woman is standing nude in front of her bedroom mirror and looking at herself. She says to her husband, "I"m horribly fat and ugly, please pay me a compliment."
"Sure," the husband replies, "your eye sights f.u.c.king 20-20!"
Q: Why did the bloke with one arm cross the road?
A: He wanted to get to the second hand shop.
A guys says to his pal, "I had to closed down may paper shop business, when that new supermarket opened."
"What was it tough compet.i.tion?" asks his pal.
"Yep," says the guy, "I guess you could say my shop was blown away by it. "
A guy says to his photographer girl friend, "Do you think we should move our relationship up to the next level?"
"Nope," replies the girlfriend, "I think we should wait and see what develops."
A farmer says to his pal, "Is that the cow I should milk next?"
"Nope," his pal replies, "It"s the udder one."
Did you hear about the nude photographer that fell asleep in the sun?
People that saw him said, "He was a little over exposed!"
Dyslexic Cinderella.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing scloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day she was nucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swollocks. They were really forrible huckers, and had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts wouldn"t let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole, and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite whice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnight otherwise there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve.
"Miste all chucking frighty!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping ba.r.s.e over ollocks, so dropping her sla.s.s glipper. Next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella"s door and the sugly isters let him in.
Suddenly Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.
"Who"s fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there" said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, the prandsome hince tried the sla.s.s glipper on both the sugly isters without success. Their feet stucking funk. Betty Swollocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a nack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the sla.s.s glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The hince lived his life in lucking f.u.xury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny. And they all lived happily ever after.
Did you hear about the press photographer that forgot to do his fly up?
His mate said, "It"s the only flash I"ve seen without batteries!"
An ancient lady Dinah Soar.
A s.e.xual man Phil Latio.
Another s.e.xual man Bill Loeme.
A s.e.xual woman Connie Lingus.
Fancy a s.h.a.g?
A man is walking late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Fancy a s.h.a.g for Twenty quid?" she asks.
The guy has never been with a hooker before, but decides what the h.e.l.l.
They"re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.
"What"s going on here?" asks copper whose torch is shining on them.
"Err, I"m making love to my wife," says the guy sheepishly.
"Oh. Fine," says the cop, "I didn"t know."
"Well, until you shined that light in her face," says the guy, "Neither did I."
Bad Day?
A guy is sat in a bar looking at his drink, when a troublemaker walks up to him grabs his drink and downs it in one. Well, the guy looks at the troublemaker and then bursts into tears. He crying so loudly the troublemaker says, "O, come on mate, I was only joking. Look, I"ll buy you another drink."
"No, it"s not that," says the guy, "Today"s been the worst day of my life.
This morning I was late for work, so my boss fired me. When I left the building, I found my car had been stolen and the police say they can do nothing. When I got home, I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So, I left came here to the pub. And just when I"ve decided to end it all, you show up and drink my f.u.c.king poison!"
Did you hear about the Government Minister caught in London with his pants down?
Police are says, "It"s a capital offence."