"But," the husband protested indignantly, "I"ve already paid that dollar back to you twice! You can"t expect me to pay it again!"
"Oh, very well," the wife retorted with a contemptuous sniff, "never mind, since you are as mean as that."
The very youthful son of a henpecked father was in a gloomy mood, rebellious against the conditions of his life. He announced a desperate purpose: "I"m going to get married. I"m bossed by pa an ma, an" teacher, an" I ain"t going to stan" for it. I"m going to get married right smack off. A married man ain"t bossed by n.o.body "cept his wife."
The woman was six feet tall and broad and brawny in proportion. The man was a short five feet, anemic and wobegone. The woman haled him before the justice of the peace with a demand that he marry her or go to jail.
"Did you promise to marry this lady?" the justice asked.
"Guilty, your honor," was the answer.
The justice turned to the woman: "Are you determined to marry this man?"
"I am!" she snapped.
"Join hands," the justice commended. When they had done so he raised his own right hand impressively and spoke solemnly: "I p.r.o.nounce you twain woman and husband."
A lady received a visit from a former maid three months after the girl had left to be married.
"And how do you like being married?" the lady inquired.
The bride replied with happy enthusiasm: "Oh, it"s fine, ma"am-getting married is! Yes"m, it"s fine! but, land"s sake, ma"am," she added suddenly, "ain"t it tedious!"
The negro, after obtaining a marriage license, returned a week later to the bureau, and asked to have another name subst.i.tuted for that of the lady.
"I done changed mah mind," he announced. The clerk remarked that the change would cost him another dollar and a half for a new license.
"Is that the law?" the colored man demanded in distress. The clerk nodded, and the applicant thought hard for a full minute: "Gee!" he said at last. "Never mind, boss, this ole one will do. There ain"t a dollar and a half difference in them n.i.g.g.e.rs no how."
The New England widower was speaking to a friend confidentially a week after the burial of his deceased helpmate.
"I"m feelin" right pert," he admitted; "pearter"n I"ve felt afore in years. You see, she was a good wife.
She was a good-lookin" woman, an" smart as they make "em, an" a fine housekeeper, an" she always done her duty by me an" the children, an" she warn"t sickly, an" I never hearn a cross word out o" her in all the thutty year we lived together. But dang it all! Somehow, I never did like Maria.... Yes, I"m feelin" pretty peart."
There were elaborate preparations in colored society for a certain wedding. The prospective bride had been maid to a lady who met the girl on the street a week after the time set for the ceremony and inquired concerning it: "Did you have a big wedding, Martha?"
""Deed ah did, missus, "deed ah did, de most splendiferous occasion ob de season."
"Did you receive handsome presents?"
"Yes"m, yes"m, de hull house was jes" crowded wiv de gifts."
"And was your house nicely decorated?"
"Yes"m, yes"m. An" everybody done wear der very best, look jes" lak a white-folks" weddin", yes"m."
"And yourself, Martha, how did you look?"
"Ah was sutinly some scrumptious, yes"m. Ah done wore mah white bridal dress an" orange blossoms, yes"m. Ah was some kid."
"And the bridegroom, how did he appear?"
"De bridegroom? Aw, dat triflin", low-down houn" dawg, he didn"t show up at all, but we had a magnificious occasion wivout him, jes" de same!"
MERIT.
Mrs. Rafferty stopped to address Mrs. Flannagan, who was standing at ease in the door of the tenement. She spoke with an air of fine pride: "I"m afther havin" a letter from me boy. He tells me that fer meritorious condooct, his sintince will be reduced six months."
Mrs. Flannagan beamed appreciatively on hearing the glad tidings.
"Sure, now, an" what a comfort it must be t" yez, havin" a son what does ye such credit."
MILITARY DISCIPLINE.
The raw recruit was on sentry duty. He had a piece of pie, which he had brought from the canteen, and proceeded to enjoy it. Just then, the colonel happened along, and scowled at the sentry, who paid no attention to him whatever.
"Do you know who I am?" the officer demanded.
The sentry shook his head. "Mebby, the veterinarian, or the barber, or mebby the colonel himself."
The sentry laughed loudly at his own wit. But he wiltered as the officer sternly declared his ident.i.ty.
"Oh good land!" the recruit cried out in consternation. "Please, hold this pie while I present arms."
MISCELLANY.
It is related concerning a sofa, belonging to a man blessed (?) with seven daughters, all unmarried, which was sent to the upholsterer to be repaired, that, when taken apart, the following articles were discovered: Forty-seven hairpins, three mustache combs, nineteen suspender b.u.t.tons, thirteen needles, eight cigarettes, four photographs, two hundred and seventeen pins, some grains of coffee, a number of cloves, twenty-seven cuff-b.u.t.tons, six pocket-knives, fifteen poker-chips, a vial of homeopathic medicine for the nerves, thirty-four lumps of chewing-gum, fifty-nine toothpicks, twenty-eight matches, fourteen b.u.t.ton-hooks, two switches, a transformation and two plates of false teeth, which apparently had bitten each other.
MISTAKEN IDENt.i.tY.
The raw Irishman was told by the farmer for whom he worked that the pumpkins in the corn patch were mule"s eggs, which only needed someone to sit on them to hatch. Pat was ambitious to own a mule, and, selecting a large pumpkin, he sat on it industriously every moment he could steal from his work. Came a day when he grew impatient, and determined to hasten the hatching. He stamped on the pumpkin. As it broke open, a startled rabbit broke from its cover in an adjacent corn shock and scurried across the field. Pat chased it, shouting: "Hi, thar! Stop! don"t yez know your own father?"
The meek-looking gentleman arose hastily and offered his seat in the car to the self-a.s.sertive woman who had entered and glared at him. She gave him no thanks as she seated herself, but she spoke in a heavy voice that filled the whole car: "What are you standing up there for? Come here, and sit on my lap."
The modest man turned scarlet as he huskily faltered: "I fear, madam, that I am not worthy of such an honor."
"How dare you!" the woman boomed. "You know perfectly well I was speaking to my niece behind you."
The little man was perfectly harmless, but the lady sitting next to him in the car was a spinster, and suspicious of all males. So, since they were somewhat crowded on the seat, she pushed the umbrella between her knee and his and held it firmly as a barrier. A shower came up, and the woman when she left the car, put up the umbrella. As she did so, she perceived that the little man had followed her. She had guessed that he was a masher, now she knew it. She walked quickly down the side street, and the man pursued through the driving rain. She ran up the steps of her home, and rang the bell. When she heard the servant coming to the door, feeling herself safe at last, she faced about and addressed her pursuer angrily: "How dare you follow me! How dare you! What do you want, anyhow?"
The drenched little man at the foot of the steps spoke pleadingly: "If you please, ma"am, I want my umbrella."
The traveling salesman instructed the porter that he must leave the train at Cleveland, where he was due at three o"clock in the morning. He explained that violence might be necessary because he did not wake easily. He emphasized his instructions with a generous tip.
The drummer awoke at six in the morning, with Cleveland far behind. In a rage, he sought the porter. The colored man was in a highly disheveled state and his face was bruised badly. His eyes popped at sight of the furious traveling man, who allowed no opportunity for explanations or excuses. He did all the talking, and did it forcibly. When at last the outraged salesman went away, the porter shook his head dismally, and muttered: "Now, Ah shohly wonder who-all Ah done put off at Cleveland."
The a.s.sistant minister announced to the congregation that a special baptismal service would be held the following Sunday at three o"clock in the afternoon, and that any infants to receive the rite should be brought to the church at that time.
The old clergyman, who was deaf, thought that his a.s.sistant was speaking of the new hymnals, and he added a bit of information: "Anyone not already provided can obtain them in the vestry for a dollar, or with red backs and speckled edges for one dollar and a half."
The child went with her mother on a visit in New Jersey. At bedtime, the little girl was nervous over the strangeness of her surroundings, but the mother comforted her, saying: "Remember, dear, G.o.d"s angels are all about you."
A little later, a cry from the child called the mother back into the room.
"The angels are buzzing all around just dreadful, mama, and they bite!"
The new clergyman was coming to call, and the mother gave Emma some instructions: "If he asks your name, say Emma Jane; if he asks how old you are, say you are eight years old; if he asks who made you, say G.o.d made me."
It is a fact that the clergyman did ask just those three questions in that order, to the first two of which Emma replied correctly. But it is also a fact that when the minister propounded the third query, as to her origin, the child hesitated, and then said: "Mama did tell me the man"s name, but I"ve gone and forgotten it."
The editor of a country newspaper betook himself to a party at the house of a neighbor, where, only a few weeks earlier, a baby had been added to the family. On the editor"s arrival at the house, he was met at the door by his hostess, a woman who suffered to some extent from deafness. After the usual exchange of greetings, the editor inquired concerning the health of the baby. The hostess had a severe cold, and she now misunderstood the visitor"s inquiry concerning the baby, thinking that he was solicitous on her account. So she explained to the aghast editor who had asked about the baby that, although she usually had one every winter, this was the very worst one she had ever had, it kept her awake at night a great deal, and at first confined her to her bed. Having explained thus far, the good lady noticed the flabbergasted air of her guest. She continued sympathetically; saying that she could tell by his looks and the way he acted that he was going to have one just like hers. Then she insisted that, as a precautionary measure for the sake of his condition, he should come in out of the draft and sit down and stay quiet.
MISMATED.
A Texas lad, lacking a team of horses or oxen or mules for his ploughing, engaged his sister to direct the plough, while he yoked himself to a steer for the pulling. The steer promptly ran away, and the lad had no choice but to run too. They came shortly into the village and went tearing down the street. And as he raced wildly, the young man shouted: "Here we come-darn our fool souls! Somebody head us off!"
MIXED METAPHORS.
A babu, or native clerk, in India, who prided himself on his mastery of the English tongue and skill in its idioms, sent the following telegram in announcement of his mother"s death:
"Regret to announce that hand which rocked the cradle has kicked the bucket."
MODESTY.
A British journalist, in an article on Sir Henry Irving for a London weekly wrote: "I was his guest regularly at all Lyceum first nights for a whole quarter of a century.... He delighted in the company of third-rate people."
MONEY TALKS.
The disreputable-looking panhandler picked out an elderly gentleman of most benevolent aspect and made a plea for a small financial contribution. When he had finished his narrative of misery and woe the elderly gentleman replied benignantly: "My good friend, I have no money, but I can give you some good advice."
The tramp spat contemptuously, and uttered an oath of disgust.
"If you hain"t got no money," he jeered, "I reckon your advice ain"t worth hearin"."