Commander: "Well, look sharp and find the bally thing-we want to get on."
Mother: "Did you remember to pray for everybody, dear?"
Daughter: "Well, Mummy, I prayed for you, but Jack prayed for Daddy. He"s looking after him just now."
JUSTIFICATION.
Wife: "Two bottles of ginger ale, dear?"
He: "Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is the anniversary of our wedding-day?"
First Flapper: "The cheek of that conductor! He glared at me as if I hadn"t paid any fare."
Second Flapper: "And what did you do?"
First Flapper: "I just glared back at him-as if I had!"
Mollie (who has been naughty and condemned to "no toast"): "Oh, Mummy! Anything but that! I"d rather have a hard smack-anywhere you like."
Lady (to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet dog): "And if you find you can"t cure him, Doctor, will you please put him out of pain?-and of course you must charge me just as for an ordinary patient."
Governess: "Well, Mollie, what are little girls made of?"
Mollie: "Sugar and spice and all that"s nice."
Governess: "And what are little boys made of?"
Mollie: "Snips and snails and puppy dogs" tails. I told Bobbie that yesterday, and he could hardly believe it."
"I say, dear old bean, will you lend me your motor-bike?"
"Of course. Why ask?"
"Well, I couldn"t find the beastly thing."
Irate Parent: "While you stood at the gate bidding my daughter good-night, did it ever dawn upon you-"
The Suitor: "Certainly not, sir! I never stayed as late as that."
Wife: "My dear, we"ve simply got to change our family doctor. He"s so absent-minded. Why, this afternoon he was examining me with his stethoscope, and while he was listening he called out suddenly, "Halloa! Who is it speaking?""
Mrs. Goodheart: "I am soliciting for the poor. What do you do with your cast-off clothing?"
Mr. Hardup: "I hang them up carefully and go to bed. Then I put them on again in the morning."
"What"s the matter, little boy?" said the kindhearted man. "Are you lost?"
"No," was the manful answer; "I ain"t lost; I"m here. But I"d like to know where father and mother have wandered to."
Helen"s elder sister: "You know, all the stars are worlds like ours."
Helen: "Well, I shouldn"t like to live on one-it would be so horrid when it twinkled."
"Can I "ave the arternoon off to see a bloke abaht a job fer my missis?"
"You"ll be back in the morning, I suppose?"
"Yus-if she don"t get it."
Child: "Mother, I have been good to-day-so patient with Nurse."
The schoolmaster was explaining what to do in case of fire. The pupils listened with respectful attention until he came to his final instruction.
"Above all things," he said, "if your clothing catches fire, remain cool."
Wife: "Yes, dear. I thought I"d buy you something you"d never think of buying for yourself."
Husband (as he gazes with horror at the canary-colored socks): "Yes, dear, and you have succeeded."
Podger (to new acquaintance): "I wonder if that fat old girl is really trying to flirt with me?"
Cooler: "I can easily find out by asking her-she is my wife."
Young Husband: "It seems to me, my dear, that there is something wrong with this cake."
The Bride (smiling triumphantly): "That shows what you know about it. The cookery book says it"s perfectly delicious."
Wife (referring to guest): "He"s a most attractive man; is he married?"
Husband: "I dunno. He"s a reserved chap-keeps all his troubles to himself!"
Questioning a cla.s.s, an inspector asked: "If you were to say to me, "You was here yesterday," would that be right?"
"No, sir," was the reply.
"And why not?"
"Please, sir, because you wasn"t."
Salesman: "Another advantage of this machine, madam, is that it is fool-proof."
Sweet Thing (placidly): "No doubt, to the ordinary kind. But you don"t know my husband."
The Stage Manager: "Now then, we"re all ready, run up the curtain."
The New Hand: "Wot yer talkin" about-"run up the curtain"-think I"m a bloomin" squirrel?"
Old Gentleman (to new gardener): "Why do you always pull your barrow instead of pushing it?"
The Gardener: ""Cause I "ates the sight of the blooming thing."
"My dear, you"re not going to the links to-day?"
"Oh, yes, Auntie. I shall try and put in a round."
"But it"s pouring! Why, I wouldn"t send a dog out to golf in such weather."
Lady (who has purchased a ready-made dress): "Tiresome this dress is. The fasteners come undone as quick as you do them up."
Cook (acting as lady"s-maid): "Yes"m, they do. That"s why I wouldn"t have it myself when I tried it on at the shop the other day."
HIS REPUTATION.
Waitress: "He ain"t no good, Lil-he"s one of these fellers wot chooses the price first an" then runs his fingers along the bill o" fare to see wot he gets for it."
NOT UP-TO-DATE.
Penelope: "What made George and Alice break their engagement?"
Clarissa: "He complained that she was too "Effeminate" for the present day."
"Some wise person once said that silence was golden, did he not?"
"I believe so. Why?"
"I was just thinking how extravagant some women are."