PURE CARELESSNESS.
It was visiting day at the prison and the uplifters were on deck.
"My good man," said one kindly lady, "I hope that since you have come here you have had time for meditation and have decided to correct your faults."
"I have that, mum," replied the prisoner in heartfelt tones. "Believe me, the next job I pull, this baby
wears gloves."
A LEVEL-HEADED CAR.
Irate Motorist: "Say, this darned car won"t climb a hill! You said it was a fine machine!"
Dealer: "I said: "On the level it"s a good car.""
SUSPICIOUS.
It was while on manuvres in rural England, and a soldier was being tried for the shooting of a chicken on prohibited ground.
"Look here, my man," said the commanding officer to the farmer who brought the accusation, "are you quite certain that this is the man who shot your bird? Will you swear to him?"
"No, I won"t do that," replied the farmer, "but I will say he"s the man I suspect o" doing it."
"That"s not enough to convict a man," retorted the C. O., considerably nettled. "What raised your suspicions?"
"Well," replied the st.u.r.dy yeoman, "it was this way-I see "im on my property with a gun; then I heerd the gun go off; then I see "im putting the chicken in his knapsack; and it didn"t seem sense nohow to think the bird committed suicide."
A WONDER!
"That fellow Jones is a hard-headed cuss," remarked Brown.
"That so?" asked Smith.
"Yes," replied Brown. "Why, he could read a patent medicine almanac and not have a solitary symptom of some disease."
IN A FIX.
Mrs. Muggins: "It"s raining, and Mrs. Goodsoul wants to go home, and I have no umbrella to lend her except my new guinea one. Can"t I let her have yours?"
Mr. Muggins: "Hardly! The only umbrella I have got has her husband"s name on the handle."
SUCKED!
It was a very wet night, so Bill and his sweetheart decided to visit the picture palace.
On the way she evidently was annoyed with her lover, for she turned to him, and said, angrily, "Aw wish tha would gie up sucking thi teeth; it"s so rude when people are about!"
"Don"t thee talk so silly," he replied in aggrieved tones. "It"s my rubber "eel pads that"s causing that noise!"
HALF AND HALF.
Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels and packages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar. Helplessly looking on, stood the conductor, a diminutive little chap.
Mrs. Murphy, having reached the platform, said, with a glance of withering scorn: "If ye was half a man ye would have helped me up."
The little conductor calmly replied: "Shure, ma"am, if ye was half a woman I would!"
REVENGE IS SWEET.
"Yes," proudly announced the ex-captain, who is manager of a new seaside hotel, "all our employees are former Service men, every one of them. The reception clerk is an old infantry man, the waiters have all been non-coms., the chef was a mess-sergeant, the house doctor was a base hospital surgeon, the house-detective was an intelligence man; even the pages were cadets."
"And have you any former military police?" he was asked.
"Yes," he replied joyously. "When there"s a good stiff wind blowing we set them to clean the outsides of the windows on the eighth floor!"
NO EFFECT.
"You tell me," said the judge, "that this is the person who knocked you down with his motor-car.
Could you swear to the man?"
"I did," returned the complainant, eagerly, "but he only swore back at me and drove on."
A FUTURE FINANCIER.
"Ma," exclaimed young Teddie, bursting into the house, "Mrs. Johnson said she would give me a penny if I told her what you said about her!"
"I never heard of such a thing!" answered his mother indignantly. "You"re a very good boy not to have told! I wouldn"t have her think I even mentioned her. Here"s an apple, sonny, for being such a wise little lad!"
"I should think I am, ma! When she showed me the penny I told her that what you said was something awful, and worth sixpence at least!"
A BAD CASE.
"Rather absent-minded, isn"t he?"
"Extremely so. Why, the other night when he got home he knew there was something he wanted to do, but he couldn"t remember what it was until he had sat up over an hour trying to think."
"And did he finally remember it?"
"Yes, he discovered that he wanted to go to bed early."
BLACK SUPERSt.i.tION.
Architect: "Have you any suggestions for the study, Mr. Quickrich?"
Quickrich: "Only that it must be brown. Great thinkers, I understand, are generally found in a brown study."
HALF A DUCK DEEP.
Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked a youngster if it was deep.
"No," replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found that he and his horse had to swim for their lives.
When the traveller reached the other side he turned and shouted: "I thought you said it wasn"t deep?"
"It isn"t," was the reply; "it only takes grandfather"s ducks up to their middles!"
COULDN"T RESIST IT.
"Look here," began the youth, as he entered a butcher"s shop, and displayed two lovely-looking black-and-blue eyes, "you have fresh beef for sale?"
"I have," responded the butcher.
"And fresh beef is good for black eyes, is it not?"