Dilbert"s Words Of Wisdom.
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn"t looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I"d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we"ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I"ll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you"re the pigeon, and some days you"re the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn"t there the first time you need him, chances are you won"t be needing him again.
10. I don"t have an att.i.tude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don"t suffer from stress. I"m a carrier.
15. You"re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut b.u.t.ter.
16. Everybody is somebody else"s weirdo.
Hold Me.
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The pa.s.sion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says: "I don"t feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says, "WHAT??" The wife explains that he should be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can"t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don"t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then take it."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says "Okay, I"m ready, let"s go to the cash register."
The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we"re not going to buy all this stuff."
The wife"s face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while," quips the husband.
Ah Beng & Ah Seng Go To India.
> >Ah Beng & Ah Seng go to India: > > >In Bombay Ah Beng was travelling in a crowded bus. As he took out his >wallet to pay the fare, his pa.s.sport-size photograph accidentally fell from >his pocket.He started searching for it frantically & found it on the >floor, below the ends of a woman"s long sari. He asked her "Can you lift >up your sari? I wanna take photograph" He was beaten up so badly that he >had to be admitted to hospital.
>He was surprised to see his Singaporean friend, Ah Seng, on the bed >next to him, in a worse condition. Ah Seng explained what happened >to him.
> >He had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late and missed the >last bus. He couldn"t find any hotel. So he approached a nearby house and >asked the owner whether he can stay there for the night.The owner replied >"I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can"t allow you to stay".He >approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the >night. The owner replied, "I have 3 grown up daughters. Sorry, I >can"t allow you to stay". He went to the next house and asked: "Do you >have grown up daughters?"
>The Owner asked, "WHY?????????" Ah Seng replied, "I wanted to stay >here for a night....."
>The next thing he knew, he was in the hospital bed.
I Am My Own Grandpa.
Many, many years ago=20 When I was twenty three,=20 I got married to a widow,=20 Pretty as could be.=20
This widow had a grown-up daughter=20 With flowing hair of red.=20 My father fell in love with her,=20 And soon the two were wed.=20
This made my dad my son-in-law=20 And changed my very life.=20 Now my daughter was my mother,=20 For she was my father"s wife.=20
To complicate the matters worse,=20 Although it brought me joy.=20 I soon became the father=20 Of a bouncing baby boy.=20
My little baby then became=20 A brother-in-law to dad.=20 And so became my uncle,=20 Though it made me very sad.=20
For if he was my uncle,=20 Then that also made him brother=20 To the widow"s grown-up-daughter=20 Who, of course, was my step-mother.=20
Father"s wife then had a son,=20 Who kept them on the run.=20 And he became my grandson,=20 For he was my daughter"s son,=20
My wife is now my mother"s mother=20 And it makes me blue.=20 Because, although she is my wife,=20 She"s my grandma too.=20
If my wife is my grandmother,=20 Then I am her grandchild.=20 And every time I think of it,=20 It simply drives me wild.=20
For now I have become=20 The strangest case you ever saw.=20 As the husband of my grandmother,=20 I am my own grandpa!=20.
The Dog.
A man runs into the vet"s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog"s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog"s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I"m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I"m sorry, but the Lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man...
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
G.o.d Vs Harley Davidson.
The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told "Since you"ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with G.o.d."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to G.o.d.
Arthur then asked G.o.d, "Hey, aren"t you the inventor of woman?" G.o.d said, "Ah, yes."
"Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1.There"s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2.It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3.Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4.The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally, 5.The maintenance costs are outrageous."
Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied G.o.d, "hold on."
G.o.d went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and G.o.d read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," G.o.d said to Arthur,"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Deer Hunting.
It was Sat.u.r.day morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles, "I"m going hunting with you!" Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.
They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I"ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn"t bag an elephant -- much less a deer. But not 10 minutes pa.s.s when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!"
Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"