Harry: Arrow. Teacher: What word starts with an "F" and ends in "K" that means a lot of excitement? Harry: Firetruck. The princ.i.p.al breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
Marraige Jokes.
MARRIAGE (Part I) Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I"ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don"t expect any ha.s.sle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you.
I"ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don"t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules.
Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that"s fine with me. Just understand that there"ll be s.e.x here at ten o"clock every night......whether you"re here or not."
MARRIAGE (PART II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I"m getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.""
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I"m getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.""
MARRIAGE (PART III) A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this late.....doing what?"he asked. "Getting a second opinion!"
MARRIAGE (PART IV) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it"s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home "Mother of six"?"
His wife, irritated by her husband"s lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you"re ready, Father of Four!""
MARRIAGE (PART V).
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for a flight to Europe. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me tomorrow morning at 5:00 am". The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am, and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn"t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed....it said "It"s 5:00am, wake up."
Two Cows.
Two-Cow Explanation .
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A j.a.pANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don"t know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don"t know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
Brain Crampers.
BRAIN CRAMPS
Q : If you could live forever, would you and why?
A : "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world,I can"t help but cry. I mean I"d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey.
"Smoking kills. If you"re killed, you"ve lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I"ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I"m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed doc.u.ments.
"That low-down scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jacka.s.s, and I"m just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark.
"It isn"t pollution that"s harming the environment. It"s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President.
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle.
" It"s no exaggeration to say that the undecided"s could go one way or another" --George Bush, US President.
"We"ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca.
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I a.s.sisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word "genius" isn"t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman,! NFL football quarterback &sports a.n.a.lyst.
"We don"t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don"t succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, US President.
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP.
"Traditionally, most of Australia"s imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery.
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you pa.s.sed away. May G.o.d bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circ.u.mstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina.
Jokes1.
Indian soldiers.
A large group of Pakistani soldiers are moving down a road when they hear an Indian voice call from behind a sand dune. "One Indian Army soldier is better than ten Pakistanis."
The Pakistani commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out "One Indian Army soldier is better than fifty Pakistanis."
Furious, the Pakistani commander sends his next best 50 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Indian voice calls out again "One Indian Army soldier is better than one hundred Pakistanis."
The enraged Pakistani Commander musters one hundred of his best fighters and sends then across the dune. Gunfire, grenades, machine gun fire, rockets, etc. ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Pakistani fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his Commander, "Don"t send anymore men, its a trap...there"s two of them!"
Best Soldier.
In a ship the Generals of three nations were traveling with their soldiers. They started the topic that whose soldier had more of guts. The American general called for one of his men and told him to jump down the ship and take a round swimming around the moving ship. The soldier did as he was commanded and the general boasted of by saying "See the guts!"
Now the German general called out for one of his men and asked him to take two similar rounds. The soldier did as he was told. When he came back from the water the German said, "See the guts." Now the Indian General called out for his most courageous man, Santa and asked him to take five similar rounds. Santa promptly replied, "Am I your dad"s servant?"
At this the general proudly said "See the guts".
Nationality.
A first grade teacher explains to her cla.s.s that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Gita has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American." replied Gita.
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I"m a proud Indian," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks Gita why she is an Indian. "Well, my mom and dad are Indians, so I"m an Indian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That"s no reason", she says loudly "if your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then" says Gita; "I"d be an American.