A taxi pa.s.senger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went upon the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,"Look mate, don"t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The pa.s.senger apologized and said, "I didn"t realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it"s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I"ve been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years."
A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers: Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you? The husband laughs and says: An English girl!!! The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: So, honey, how was the trip? Very good, thank you. And, what happened to my present? Which present? what I asked for, the English girl?! Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few months to see if its a girl!!!
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Ewww - what"s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?" "I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What"s wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They"re all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don"t tell me," she said. "Let me guess...Smallc.o.x?"
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th) hole. Suddenly a mobile phone rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: Husband - "h.e.l.lo?"
Wife - "Honey, it"s me. Are you at the club?"
Husband - "Yes."
Wife - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. Just saw a beautiful leather coat. It"s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
Husband - "What"s the price?"
Wife - "Only $1,000."
Husband - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it,if you like it that much..."
Wife - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealer and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
Husband - "What price did he quote you?"
Wife - "Only $60,000..."
Husband - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
Wife - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
Husband - "What?"
Wife - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and.... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It"s for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beach front property."
Husband - "How much are they asking?"
Wife - "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
Husband - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000.00 OK?"
Wife - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I"ll see you later!! I love you!!!"
Husband - "Bye...I love you too..."
The man hangs up and closes the phone"s flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he plucks up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Sat.u.r.day evening. Sat.u.r.day night arrives and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates. To his amazement she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I"m sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I"ll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, that they are both deaf mutes." With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching the soccer game, and Mom is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt pulls down her knickers and pours a gla.s.s of water over her a.r.s.e. Just as suddenly Dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her pants and throws another gla.s.s of water over her a.r.s.e. Dad leaps up gives her one from behind and places two more match sticks under his eyelids. No sooner have they concluded this strange behavior and the daughter returns fully dressed ready for their date.
The evening is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the living room. At the end of the evening the girl asks, "What"s the matter? Have I done something wrong?"
"It"s not you," replied her date, "It"s just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked."
After pleading with him to explain in more detail the young man reluctantly recounts the story. "Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair and lifts up her skirt. She then pulls down her pants and throws a gla.s.s of water over her behind." "I see," says the girl, "What happened then?" "Well, if that isn"t enough your Father races from his chair leans Mom over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a matchstick under each eyelid." "Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.
The young man can"t believe the casual response to this weird practice. "It"s easily explained. Mom was simply saying, "Are you going to get this a.s.shole a drink?" and Dad was replying, "No, f.u.c.k him. I"m watching the match.""
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, "There"s Jennifer; she"s a lawyer," or "That"s Michael. He"s a doctor."" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there"s the teacher. She"s dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, cla.s.s, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the cla.s.s said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn"t run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain"t empty."
A desi dies and goes to h.e.l.l. There he finds that there is a different h.e.l.l for each country. He goes first to the German h.e.l.l and asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA h.e.l.l as well as the Russian h.e.l.l and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German h.e.l.l. Then he comes to the Indian h.e.l.l and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other h.e.l.ls why are there so many people waiting to get in?" " Because here is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails, and the devil belongs to the Union, so he comes in, signs the time sheet and then goes to the cafeteria..."
LITTLE BILLY...ON GETTING OLDER: Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn"t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." "Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own f.u.c.king business!!"
LITTLE BILLY...ON PHILOSOPHY: A teacher asks her cla.s.s, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little BILLY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that"s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is "the one with the wedding ring on", but I like your thinking."
LITTLE BILLY...ON MATH: Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father." "The teacher asked, "How much is 2x3?" I said 6," replied BILLY. "But that"s right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me, "How much is 3x2?"" "What"s the f.u.c.king difference? " asks the father. "That"s what I said!"
LITTLE BILLY...ON ENGLISH: Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, cla.s.s. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that"s a mouthful." Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you"re thinking of a b.l.o.w.j.o.b."
LITTLE BILLY...ON GRAMMAR: One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just f.u.c.king beautiful!"
Thought of The Day : There is more money being spent on breast implants and v.i.a.g.r.a than on Alzheimer"s research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky b.o.o.bs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my G.o.d!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don"t exist; and, even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," the voice said. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped its right paw........brought both paws together....bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.
On a propaganda tour through the United States President George Bush visits a school and explains his political actions. Afterwards he invites the children to ask him questions.
Little Bob rises to speak: Mr. President, I have got three questions to ask: 1.How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?
2.Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason?
3.Don"t you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest terrorist attack of all times?
Just in that moment the bell for the break rings and the children run out off the cla.s.sroom. When they come back from the break President Bush encourages them again to ask questions.
This time Joey rises to speak: Mr. President, I have got five questions to ask: 1.How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?
2.Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason?
3.Don"t you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest terrorist attack of all times?
4.Why did the bell ring 20 minutes early today?
5.Where is Bob???
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we men normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn"t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma"am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn"t. He just walked in the door."
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I"ve this great rooster, named Randy. He"ll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he"d be worth it. So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home. He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You"ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I"ll need you to do a good job. "So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer ended with a chuckle. Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught worried that his expensive rooster won"t even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doork.n.o.b stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you"ve done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "SHHHH, they"re getting closer..."
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman"s s.e.x drive by 90%. It"s called a Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What"s on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, G.o.d created the earth and rested. Then G.o.d created Man and rested. Then G.o.d created Woman. Since then, neither G.o.d nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven"t eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "G.o.d, I wish I had your willpower."
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn"t know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
A man inserted an advertis.e.m.e.nt in the cla.s.sified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "you can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife"s birthday is to forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
It may be no accident that the word "menopause" invites the a.s.sociation "pause from men."
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack"s mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it"s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I"m recently widowed," she explained. "I"m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don"t worry," Jack said. "Well be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we"ll be gone at first light," The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarra.s.sed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob"s face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I"m afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out s.e.x. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation. One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without s.e.x wasn"t worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die." She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"
Did you hear about the two gay guys that where dancing when one said to the other, "Why do you always get an erection when we dance together?" The other replied, "Because you dance like an a.s.shole!"
The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law pa.s.sed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?" Back came the reply; "Take no chances order all three."
A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter. He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter. He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with one draggin" on the ground," giggled the youngest daughter.
Over the past few years more money has been spent on breast implants, p.e.n.i.s implants and v.i.a.g.r.a than on diseases like Alzheimer"s...In a few years we will have a lot of people running around with huge b.r.e.a.s.t.s and long d.i.c.ks who won"t remember what to do with them...
A prisoner escapes from the California prison where he was kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up to a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants s.e.x, don"t resist, don"t complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I still love you" To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he is gay and found you very very s.e.xy. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I still love you too..."
A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, ursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them : "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can"t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I"ll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..." At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this time, places a hand firmly on the man"s shoulder and tells him : "You"ll f.u.c.k her again!!!"
A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there"s nothin" special...we just flat out tell "em they"re gonna die...
Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks. The first drunk says, "There"s a h.e.l.l of a lot of steps here." The second drunk says, "I"ll tell you what"s worse, this hand rail is b.l.o.o.d.y low down"