Salesman : Forty dollars.
Customer : Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that much money.
Salesman : But how would a pair of shoes look around your neck.
Jimmy : Mom, can I have two pieces of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.
Woman : How can I ever repay you for your kindness and consideration to me?
Man : By cheque, money order or cash.
Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes.
Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?
Pupil : No, Sir. They haven"t finished the water I gave them last week.
Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?
Son : Well, it"s a sponge cake, isn"t it?
Man : I"m new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank?
Little boy : I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.
Man : Why should I pay you so much?
Little boy : Because bank directors are always highly paid.
1st MAN : I"m worried about my daughter. She keeps being chased by the doctor.
2nd MAN : Has she tried an apple??
It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner.
"What are you charged with?" he asked.
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That"s no offense," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
Indian soldiers.
A large group of Pakistani soldiers are moving down a road when they hear an Indian voice call from behind a sand dune. "One Indian Army soldier is better than ten Pakistanis."
The Pakistani commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out "One Indian Army soldier is better than fifty Pakistanis."
Furious, the Pakistani commander sends his next best 50 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Indian voice calls out again "One Indian Army soldier is better than one hundred Pakistanis."
The enraged Pakistani Commander musters one hundred of his best fighters and sends then across the dune. Gunfire, grenades, machine gun fire, rockets, etc. ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Pakistani fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his Commander, "Don"t send anymore men, its a trap...there"s two of them!"
Best Soldier.
In a ship the Generals of three nations were traveling with their soldiers. They started the topic that whose soldier had more of guts. The American general called for one of his men and told him to jump down the ship and take a round swimming around the moving ship. The soldier did as he was commanded and the general boasted of by saying "See the guts!"
Now the German general called out for one of his men and asked him to take two similar rounds. The soldier did as he was told. When he came back from the water the German said, "See the guts." Now the Indian General called out for his most courageous man, Santa and asked him to take five similar rounds. Santa promptly replied, "Am I your dad"s servant?"
At this the general proudly said "See the guts".
Nationality.
A first grade teacher explains to her cla.s.s that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Gita has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American." replied Gita.
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I"m a proud Indian," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks Gita why she is an Indian. "Well, my mom and dad are Indians, so I"m an Indian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That"s no reason", she says loudly "if your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then" says Gita; "I"d be an American.
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze cla.s.s was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary a.s.surances at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn"t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist"s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner"s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner"s son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy... "I give up," she said. "What is it?"
The boy replied, "It"s a puppy!"
> > > Santa Singh was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent > for > > > his > > > friend Banta. As Banta singh stood beside the bed, santa Singh"s > frail > > > condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to > > > write on. Banta singh lovingly handed him a pen and piece of > paper, > > > and > > > Santa used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he > > > died.
> > > Banta singh thought it best not to look at the note just then, so > he > > > slipped it into his jacket pocket.
> > > Days later, at the funeral, Banta singh was visting Santa"s > family. He > > > realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he"d worn the > day > > > Santa died. "You know," he said, "Santa handed me a note just > before > > > he > > > died. I haven"t read it, but knowing Santa, I"m sure there"s a > word of > > > inspiration there for us all." He unfolded the note and read > aloud, > > > "Oye Banthe(Banta), Saale ...You are standing on my oxygen tube!"
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?"
"It"s 50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You"ll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That"s my business. Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it"s too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer..."
The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...
1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?