> >a rubber is a condom!!!! ??? !!!
> >U don"t try to find a "lift"... U find an "Elevator".
> >U no more ask for a "Route" but for a "RAUT"
> >U don"t ask somebody "How r u ?", U say "What"s up dude?" or U say " How U DOIN"
> >U never go to "see" a game U go to "watch" a game.
> >If U see "World" champions(or Series), read "US" champions(or Series).
> >There"s no "zero" but "O", no "Z" but "zee".
> >There"s no FULL STOP after a statement, there"s a PERIOD.
> >If someone gets angry at U, U get "flamed".
> >U "Drive" Ur car on "Parkways" and always "Park" your car in the "DriveWay"!
> >You do not ask for "brinjal" ... ask for "EggPlant" ..
> >also there are no "lady"s finger" ..its "Okra" !
> >You do not say " He is a trouble creator " .. rather u say "He"s a pain in my a.s.s" !
> >U do not say .. "its a trivial job" .. u say "its a seat of the pants work".
> >Well u dont" say "life is boring" u say "LIFE SUCKS" !!!!!
> >In short U don"t speak "English", U speak "American".
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. "Whales can"t swallow people," the teacher said. "Even though they are large mammals, their throats are very small."
"But Jonah was swallowed by a whale," the little girl replied.
"That just can"t be," the teacher said. "It"s physically impossible."
"When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah," said the little girl.
The teacher looked down at her, smiled and asked, "What if Jonah went to h.e.l.l?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
Hugh Hefner and Heather Locklear die and go to heaven. They are greeted by St. Peter who says to Hugh, "You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your p.o.r.nography. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of G.o.d, you must walk down that tunnel without even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into h.e.l.l where you will cry and gnash your teeth."
Hugh decides that this will be easy for the tunnel is only 100 feet long. So he begins down the tunnel with St. Peter following behind.
About half way down the tunnel St. Peter leans over towards Hugh and yells "t.i.ts!!" and a trap door opens and Hugh falls down into h.e.l.l.
St. Peter then goes to Heather Locklear and says, "You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your s.e.xy looks. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of G.o.d, you must walk down that tunnel without even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into h.e.l.l where you will cry and gnash your teeth."
They begin there long trek down the tunnel. About half way down St.
Peter leans over towards Heather and a trap door opens and St. Peter falls down into h.e.l.l.
* I can"t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
* Sorry officer, I didn"t realize my radar detector wasn"t plugged in.
* Aren"t you the guy from the villiage people?
* Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
* I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
* I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
* You"re not going to check the trunk, are you?
* Gee, that gut sure doesn"t inspire confidence.
* Didn"t I see you get your b.u.t.t kicked on COPS?
* Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend"s night stand.
* Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds.
* I pay your salary.
* So uh, you on the take or what?
* Gee officer, that"s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
* Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
* I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that"s how far they are ahead of me.
* What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
* Hey, is that a 9mm? That"s nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
* Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
* Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
What People say (based on there Sun Sign) after s.e.x!
Aries Okay, let"s do it again...
Taurus I"m hungry - pa.s.s the pizza ...
Gemini Have you seen the TV remote?
Cancer When are we getting married?
Leo Wasn"t I fantastic?
Virgo I need to wash the sheets.
Libra I liked it if you liked it...
Scorpio Now let"s try it with our clothes off.....
Sagittarius Don"t call me - I"ll call you...
Capricorn Do you have a business card?
Aquarius Perhaps I should untie you....
Pisces What did you say your name was?
An elderly gent was invited to his old friend"s home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms: "Honey," "My Love," "Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin," etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it"s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
This is very true... worth giving 5 minutes...
It"s cool!!!!!!!
It really works, quite amazing !!