Homework.
Antonio came home from school one day and walked into the kitchen. His grandma asked him, "Antonio, what"d you learn in school today?"
Antonio replied, "Well, we learned about p.e.n.i.ses, and v.a.g.i.n.as, and s.e.xual intercourse, and masturbation."
Grandma hauled off and slapped Antonio, hard. He ran up to his room, crying.
Antonio"s mother walked in and cried, "Ma! Why did you go and hit Antonio!?"
Grandma replied, "Well, I asked him what he learned in school today. He started talking about s.e.x, and p.e.n.i.ses, and masturbation!"
Antonio"s mother said, "Ma! That"s what they do learn. It"s called s.e.x education!"
Well, Grandma felt so bad about hitting Antonio that she went upstairs to apologize. She opened his door and found him masturbating on his bed. She then said, "Antonio, when you"re finished with your homework, come down and talk to me."
I know the Whole Truth.
At school a boy was told by a cla.s.smate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don"t tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don"t say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your father a big hug."
Got Teeth Down There.
A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy"s skirt. "GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON"T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!"
The little boy quickly s.n.a.t.c.hes his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened. So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below.
By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don"t you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates.
"HECK NO!" he cries. "You"ve got teeth down there."
"No I don"t," she responds.
"Yes you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do."
"No I don"t," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."
"No I"m sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there.
"Oh for Christ"s sake!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don"t have any teeth down there."
He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I"m not surprised."
Lawyer in the Cemetery.
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl"s grandmother.
On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.""
Leaf from the Bible.
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages.
"Momma, look what I found", the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy"s voice he answered: "I think it"s Adam"s suit!"
Learning ABC.
The teacher is teaching her cla.s.s about the alphabet and, of course, there is one student, little Johnny, who has a propensity to be disruptive.
The teacher asks the cla.s.s "Who can tell us a word that begins with the letter "A"?"
Little Johnny raises his hand first, but the teacher thinks "I can"t call on him, he"ll say "a.s.s," so she calls on little Mary instead.
Little Mary says "A stands for apple! A big bright red apple!"
"Very good, little Mary," says the teacher. "Now, who knows a word that begins with the letter "B"?"
Little Johnny raises his hand first, but the teacher doesn"t call on him for fear that his word will be "b.i.t.c.h." Instead, she calls on little Joey.
"Bike," says Joey, "A bright blue bike!"
"Very good, Joey," says the teacher.
She continues to run through the alphabet, but each letter she comes to has a corresponding curse word, so she continues to skip over Little Johnny.
Finally, she comes to the letter "R." By this time, Little Johnny is fit to burst. He is waving his hand wildly, and the teacher thinks to herself "You know, I can"t think of a single dirty word that begins with the letter "R"! Maybe it is safe to let him have this one!" So, the teacher says "OK, Little Johnny you can give us a word that begins with the letter "R"."
Little Johnny responds "R is for Rats! Big f.u.c.kin" rats! With nuts THIS BIG!"
Letter to G.o.d USA.
A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write G.o.d a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to G.o.d USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to G.o.d, which read: Dear G.o.d, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those b.a.s.t.a.r.ds deducted $95.00.
Lick That.
Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bulls.h.i.tting about how tough their fathers were.
"My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry.