Foreplay.
For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon trip.
They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when they arrive.
The husband says, "I"ll just nip around by their window and see what they are doing. We can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!"
Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around his erect member. After a few minutes of this, they rush together and make mad tumultuous love like crazed weasels.
The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more aroused herself.
"Darling, this is going to be so good," she says, "Run right out and get some grapefruit and Lifesavers!"
Granny in Town.
Granny was visiting town for the first time. She checks in at the hotel, and the bellboy takes her bags. She follows the boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes her fist at him.
"Young man, I may be old, and straight from the hills, but that don"t mean I"m stupid! I paid good money, and this room won"t do at all! It"s too small, and without proper ventilation! Why there"s not even a bed!"
The bellhop looks at her and says, "Ma"am, this isn"t your room, it"s the elevator."
Happy Old Man.
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn"t help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What"s your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That"s amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
Keep the Motor Running.
It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered " You"ve got to keep that old motor running."
The following year she gave birth again.
The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said "You"ve got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year.
The nurse said "You must be quite a man."
He responded "You"ve got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one"s black."
Looking Down There.
Herb and Rosa are in their 80s. Herb always wanted an expensive pair of alligator shoes. Seeing them on sale one day, he purchased them and came home, asking Rosa, "So, you notice anything different about me?"
"What"s different? It"s the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. So... What"s different?"
Frustrated, Herb goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, just wearing the new shoes. "So, Rosa, do you notice anything different?"
"What"s different, Herb? It"s hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and it will be hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily Herb yells, "Do you know why it"s hanging down? "Cause it"s looking at my new shoes!!!!!"
To which Rosa replies, "Herb darling, you should have bought a new hat."
Lost of Memory.
An 80 year old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctor"s, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don"t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you"ll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with Strawberries."
She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don"t need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
Make Love in Exotic Cars.
The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon"s office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I"ve made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."
"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the doctor said.
"h.e.l.l, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini."
Nursing Home.
Two elderly women in a nursing home were interested in two elderly gentlemen, living in the same home, but try as they might, they couldn"t get the attention of the men. Then, one of the women had a brilliant idea. "Why don"t we strip off our clothes, and streak past them in the TV room?" The second woman agreed that this might work.
The very next day, they mustered up their courage, took off their clothes, and ran past the two men as fast as they could, giggling all the way.