Two 90 years old.
Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight"s the night we have s.e.x!" And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My G.o.d, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My G.o.d, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"
v.i.a.g.r.a"s Use.
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for v.i.a.g.r.a. The pharmacist said "That"s no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That won"t do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That"s alright. I don"t need them for s.e.x anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don"t pee on my shoes."
Wheelchair Demon.
Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is a sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some actually join in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out with his arm out stretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag on her lap and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper which she held up to him. "Ok" he said and she went on her way.
Taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her and shouted "Stop! Have you got a valid tax disc from your vehicle madam?"
Ethel dug into her handbag again and pulled out a beer-mat which she held up to him and he allowed her to carry on.
Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her. This one was stark naked and was holding a sizeable erection in his hand.....
"Oh no", said Ethel .... "Not the breathalyzer again!"
Worst Sound.
There was 3 old men sitting by a pool talking about old times. One of the men ask the other two what was the worst sound they ever heard.
The first old man said, "well I was in Africa once and had a herd of wild elephants coming in my direction and no place to hide."
The second old man said, "I was a pilot in the air force and was flying over the ocean and my engine on my air plane was making bad noises like it was going to quit."
The third old man who had asked the question said, "well I have the worst one of all. I was seeing this woman and her husband came in on us while we were in the bed together. I jumped up and ran and jumped out the window."
The third old man stopped talking for a minute and the other two men ask, "well what was the bad sound". The third old man said, "just a minute this is hard for me to retell the story".
After a short pause he then said "ok, I jumped out the window and the woman"s husband grabbed me by the b.a.l.l.s, so there I was hanging by my b.a.l.l.s, and the worst sound I ever heard was the man trying to open his pocket knife with his teeth.
Cinderella.
We all know how Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother wouldn"t let her and then the fairy G.o.dmother pops up and gives Cinderella some good news: The fairy G.o.dmother tells Cinderella that she will provide for her everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on 2 conditions. Cinderella asks what she needs to do and the fairy G.o.dmother replies, "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella"s mouth drops open and says, "You must be crazy! I"m on the pill, and I don"t need to wear a diaphragm."
The fairy G.o.dmother reminds Cinderella about all the handsome princes that will be attending the ball that night, and Cinderella agrees to wear a diaphragm.
"Well, what"s the second condition?" Cinderella asked.
The fairy G.o.dmother replies, "You must be back home and 2:00 AM. Well, Cinderella explains that if she"s going to go party with the princes, she wants to be out all night long. The fairy G.o.dmother tells Cinderella that if she"s not home by 2AM, then her diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin and reminds her that at least she"ll be with the princes most of the evening, so Cinderella agrees to be home at 2AM...
At 2AM, Cinderella doesn"t show up...3AM, no Cinderella...4AM, no Cinderella... finally, at 5AM, Cinderella shows up at the door with a huge grin on her face.
The fairy G.o.dmother stands up and looks at Cinderella and says, "Where the h.e.l.l have you been? Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin 3 hours ago!!!"
Cinderella tells the fairy G.o.dmother that she met a prince and he took care of it for her. The fairy G.o.dmother wonders about a prince with this type of power and asks Cinderella his name to which she replies, "I can"t remember, but it was Peter Peter something or other....
Guardian Angel.
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came cornering around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked....
"And where the h.e.l.l were you when I got married?"
Magic Mirror.
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door.
One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror on my door, make my bust-line forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light and her b.r.e.a.s.t.s grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened and in minutes they both returned.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my p.e.n.i.s touch the floor!".
Again, there"s a bright flash... and both his legs fall off.
Mermaid.
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family"s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I"ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have s.e.x with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have s.e.x with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parent"s dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.
"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have s.e.x with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "h.e.l.l, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have s.e.x with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."