Been Married 12 Times.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I"m still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded: "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be.
"My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me doc.u.mentation.
"My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn"t get the system up.
"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - "Those who CAN, DO; those who can"t, teach."
"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn"t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
"My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn"t sure whether it was his job or not.
"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren"t clear on how to do it.
"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn"t sure how to position it.
"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
"My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was... well... G.o.d I miss him!"
She finally smiled and turned to him. "So now I"ve married you, and I"m really excited."
"Why is that?" asked the lawyer.
"Well, it should be obvious! You"re a lawyer! I just know I"m going to get screwed!
Bragging About their Sons.
Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, "You know, my son, he graduated first in his cla.s.s from Stanford. He"s now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago."
The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his cla.s.s from Harvard. He"s now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles."
The last woman says, "You know my son, he never did too well is school. He never went to any university but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman."
The other two women ask "What is a sports repairman?"
The woman then replies, "He fixes games. You know, hockey games, football games, baseball games..."
Breakfast Note.
Joe woke up one morning and looked for his wife, but his wife wasn"t there. She had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Joe was afraid he might spoil "the moment" by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife: THE TENT POLE IS UP, THE CANVAS IS SPREAD, TO h.e.l.l WITH BREAKFAST, COME BACK TO BED.
The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read: TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN PUT THE CANVAS AWAY THE MONKEY IS BLEEDING NO CIRCUS TODAY.
So he sent another note down. It read: THE TENT POLE"S STILL UP AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD SO DROP WHAT YOU"RE DOING AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD To which she replied: I"M SURE THAT YOUR POLE"S THE BEST IN THE LAND BUT I"M BUSY RIGHT NOW SO DO IT BY HAND!
Broken Power Mower.
Last summer, when the power mower was broken and wouldn"t run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sunk in.
Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall gra.s.s, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
He watched silently for a short time, then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the gra.s.s," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks.
Car Pooling.
For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children"s soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn"t be able to take my turn.
A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn"t mention anything about his father"s whereabouts.
Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.
"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don"t worry. I told her I didn"t know."
Cat Food Dinner.
This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she"s playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He"s going to be so angry if it"s not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend"s house, her great hand forgotten on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!
"Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had s.e.x for the first time in months and it was great!
Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.
"You"re going to kill him," they say, or "He"s just yanking your chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.
Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him!"
We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "Ahh, I didn"t kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his a.s.s."
Check Up on his Wife.
A jealous husband hires a private detective to check up on his wife. The husband tells the detective, he wants both a written account and as many videos of her in any kind of compromising situations as the man can get.
Two weeks later the detective calls the man and tells him he has all the evidence he needs. They make an appointment for a meeting. The two of them are sitting there watching the videos. The man sees his wife meeting another man, then the two of them are walking in the park laughing. Another series shows her with a different man laughing and dancing. All together, he watches a dozen or so different activities, each with a different man, each time both she and the man are sharing obvious utter glee.
"Amazing," said the shocked husband, "simply amazing ! I just can"t believe it."
"What can"t you believe ?" asked the detective, "It"s all right there for you to see, plus I have all the times and dates in my log."
"I know, I know!" said the man, still in shock, "I just can"t believe my wife could be that much fun."
Condom.