And he said to her "Well, go iron the f.u.c.king thing first!"
Emergency Training.
Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to sh.o.r.e." So she drove the boat to sh.o.r.e.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I"m having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."
Escaped Convict.
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn"t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have s.e.x with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I"m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight b.u.t.t!"
Escargot.
This guy has a wife who"s a real social climber. She"s always nagging at him to spend more, look better, get better friends - it never stops. They"ve got the fancy cars and the beach house and the whole nine yards.
Finally, she decides to throw a big party to show off. At the last minute, she decides she has to serve escargot to the guests. The fancy people serve escargot, so it can"t be anything but escargot. But it"s too late to go out and buy them, so she sends him down along the beach with a bucket to pick up the snails.
While the poor schmuck is down there wandering along with his bucket of snails, he runs into a beautiful girl. They start talking and she invites him up to her place for a drink. He thinks, "I"ve got to get back, so I"ll just have one drink and then I"ll get back." Well, one drink leads to another and one thing leads to another, and he wakes up about 5 AM the next morning. He knows he"s in trouble, so he tries to sneak into the house.
Lugging his bucket of snails, he tiptoes in through the door and up the stairs towards the bedroom. Halfway up the stairs, he trips. He and the bucket crash into the wall and snails spill all the way down the stairs.
His wife slams open the door of the bedroom and screams at him, "Where have you been? I sent you out for those snails hours ago! I had 100 guests and no escargot to feed them! I was never so embarra.s.sed in my life!"
Thinking quickly, he turns, looks down the stairs at all these snails and hollers, "C"mon fellas hurry up, we"re almost there!"
Father"s Last Words.
A husband and wife go visit a marriage counsellor. First, the wife speaks to the counsellor alone. The counsellor asks, "You say you"ve been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"
The wife replies, "It"s my husband -- he"s driving me crazy! I"m going to leave him if he continues!"
"How does he drive you crazy?
"For 20 years," she says, "he"s been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he"s always looking at the floor and refuses To go near anyone. It"s very embarra.s.sing."
The marriage counsellor is amused, "Anything else?"
"He keeps picking his nose all the time!! Even in public!!"
"Hmm, anything else?"
The wife hesitates, "whenever we"re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I"d like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counsellor, "I think I"ll talk to your husband now."
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counsellor tells him, "Your wife says that you"ve been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."
The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I"ve been loving and considerate and I"ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"
The counsellor explains, "She says that you"ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you"re always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."
The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don"t understand! It"s one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I"d obey everything he said."
"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone"s toes!"
The counsellor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."
The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."
The counsellor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."
"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."
The counsellor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."
"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.
"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it"s the most important thing."
"What did he say?"
The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don"t screw up."
Firehouse Love.
A Fireman comes home one night and announces to his wife that from now on, their home is going to run like the fire station. The wife asks him how that is done. He tells her this is the way it"s going to be At the fire station, when the men hear the first bell, they know to get you out of bed and get ready to go. When they hear the second bell it means to finish getting ready. When they hear the third bell, it"s time to slide down the pole. Well, he has decided an adaptation for the home.
"When I yell first bell, you are to immediately go to the bedroom. When I yell second bell you are to take off all your clothes and lie down in the bed. When I yell third bell, you are to slide down my pole." The wife kinda shrugs and agrees to try this new order of things.
The fireman comes home a few days later and yells "First Bell". The wife goes into their bedroom. The fireman yells second bell and the wife gets naked and gets into the bed. The fireman yells "Third Bell" and the wife gets on him and slides down his pole. Now the fireman thinks this is just great.
After a few minutes, the wife yells "Fourth Bell". The fireman asks her what the h.e.l.l is a fourth bell? She yells "More hose, more hose, it"s not even close to being near the fire!!!"
Four Daughters.
A man has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says "Hi, I"m Freddy. I"m here to pick up Betty. We"re gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?"
The man, mildly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing there says "Hi, I"m Jim. I"m here to see Kim. We"re gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?"
The guy, now perplexed, says "Yes." and the two take off.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings and the father answers again. The young man at the door says "Hi, I"m Chaz, I"m here to pick up Caz. We"re going to listen to some jazz, if no objection you have.
So the father say "Sure" and calls his daughter, and the two leave.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid standing there says "Hi, I"m Joe. I"m here to pick up Flo. We"re gonna go to the show. Can she go?"
The man, now kind of annoyed says "Yes." the two depart.
Sure enough, a few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid standing there says "Hi, I"m Chuck.."
The father shot him.
f.u.c.k Like a Black Guy.
A white guy is sitting in a bar next to a black guy. "Hey, dude," he asks, "How"s it you black dudes are so popular with the ladies?"