War Game.
During an war game a commanding officer"s jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help push the jeep out of the mud.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we"ve been declared dead and the umpire said we can"t contribute in any way.
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
Canadian Lumberjack.
A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks" door.
The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack"s door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.
The lumberjack couldn"t believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that"s what they call it now!"
Captured by Cannibals.
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.
The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we"ve caught you, we"re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." the chief gives him a sword, he shouts,"Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points itat his head, says, "G.o.d save the queen!" and pulls the trigger.
The New Yorker says, "gimme the fawkin"fork." the chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork.
The new Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There"s blood gushing out all over, it"s horrible.
The chief is appalled, and asks, "my G.o.d almighty, what are you doing?"
The New Yorker says, "so much for your canoe, you stupid a.s.shole!"
Chinese named Hans.
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen"s Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen"s Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Doc.u.mentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen." then she look at me and go, "What your name?""
"I say, Sem Ting."
Chinese Surprise.
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You"re in charge of sweeping," to the Irishman, "You"re in charge of shoveling, and to the Chinese guy, "And you"re in charge of supplies. "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn"t you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I didn"t have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn"t find him."
So then the foreman turn to the Irishman and asks why he didn"t shovel. The Irishman replies, "I couldn"t get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn"t find him."
The foreman is really ticked off now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from a closet and yells: "SUPPLIES!
Chinese Torture.
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he"s hopelessly lost. It"s been nearly three weeks since he"s eaten anything besides what he could forage and he"s been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can"t see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answer, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says, "What do you want?" The man says, "I"ve been lost for the past three weeks and haven"t had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight" The old Chinese man says "I"ll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, "I promise I won"t cause you any trouble. I"ll be on my way tomorrow morning."
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I"ll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn"t keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snicks into the girls" bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest.
On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100-lb. rock on your chest". "What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out.
On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right t.e.s.t.i.c.l.e". The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock.
Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left t.e.s.t.i.c.l.e tied to bedpost".
Columbian Yuppies.
Two Columbia Yuppies, neighbours for years, were constantly trying to "out-status" each other, The first man mentioned that his daughter had just been accepted at Va.s.sar.
"That"s nice," replied the other, "but the main thing the girls really learn there is fornication."
The first man became irate and said, "I"ll have you know my wife attended Va.s.sar!"
The neighbour smiled and said, "Take it from me pal, she certainly could use a refresher course."