3 Nationals go Hunting.
An American, Italian, and a Polock go hunting.
American goes out, when he comes back he got a nice buck. "How"d you do that?" the other two asked. "He said "I followed the tracks and got this buck"
Italian goes out comes back with an identical buck and when confronted by the Polock he has the same answer as the American.
The Polock goes out, it gets late the other two start worrying, and he finally comes back all battered and b.l.o.o.d.y all broken bones.
The two ask, "What the h.e.l.l happened?" He answers "I followed the tracks and got hit by a train."
Vive La France.
During World War II, Hitler told his n.a.z.is to rape as may French women as they could then say, "In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!"
So a young n.a.z.i soldier, eager to do his duty, dutifully went out and raped a pretty young French girl. He said, "In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!"
She replied, "In a few weeks you will have a disease. Name it syphilis.
Vive la France!"
Who"s Baby.
A Pole, and Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby. "Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.
"Certainly not," he retorts.
"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.
"How about you?" she asks the Jew.
"Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything."
A Farmer and his New Bride.
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That"s once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That"s twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn"t say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride raised all kind of heck with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do." The farmer said, "That"s once."
A Golfing Injury.
A guy went out golfing and took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he dropped to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc? I"m getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said, "I"ll have to put your p.e.n.i.s in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and taped it all together; a pretty impressive piece of work.
The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of b.r.e.a.s.t.s. This was the first time he saw them, and she said, "You"ll be the first; no one has ever touched them before." He tore off his pants and said, "Honey, look at this, still in its original crate!"
After the Honeymoon.
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so - how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I"d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You"ve got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don"t make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I"m so embarra.s.sed - they"re just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama... words like: DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK..."!
Always Wear Something.
The young bride"s mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and pa.s.sed them on to her daughter. "Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something."
"Yes Mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of." she answered. "Why?
"Well, we"ve been married for two weeks now and every night you"ve worn that silly hat to bed."
Because it"s Lent.
On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped into a s.e.xy but sweet nightie and, with great antic.i.p.ation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it"s Lent!"
Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well,...that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!" "To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"
Breakfast for the Newlywed.
This guy and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in, and the receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite. Just then he says to the groom, "Sir, It is now 6 o" clock, dinner will be served from 7:30 onwards."
The groom looks at him and says, "Thank you, but we won"t be needing any" and off he and his bride go to the room.
The whole evening the people next door the bridal suite are phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn"t stop for one minute the whole night.