A gang of notorious bank robbers stormed through the doors waving their guns and demanding all the customers line up against the wall. While some of his men started putting the money from the safe into bags, the leader shouted to his hostages, "Before we go, we"re going to rape all the men and rob all the women."
Hearing this, one of the gang turned to him and said, "Boss, you mean rape all the women and rob all the men."
Suddenly a young gay man said, "Hey, he"s the boss, you should do as he says."
The judge turned to the farmer and said, "Mr Brown, you are in this court to claim damages against this truck driver, for the awful injuries you sustained at the time of the accident. And yet, Mr Brown, at the time of the accident you were heard to say to the policeman that you"d never felt better. Kindly explain."
"It"s like this, your honour" replied the farmer. "At the time of the accident the policeman went over to my dog, and seeing it was so badly injured, he shot it. Then he went over to my two cows and when he saw they had broken legs, he shot them as well. So when he came and asked me how I felt, I thought it was a good idea to tell him I"d never felt better."
Instead of sending two convicted drug dealers to jail, the judge decides to give them both 250 hours of community service.
"You will work in a drug rehabilitation centre, explaining to those poor addicts the evils of drug abuse. After your sentence you will return to me with a full report of your work."
The two drug dealers carry out the judge"s wishes and return to him at the end of their sentence.
"How did it go?" the judge asks the first man.
"I managed to get 31 people off drugs," he replies.
"Well done, and how did you manage that?"
"I drew two circles - one large and one small. I told them the large circle was the size of their brain before drugs, and the small circle was what their brain would be like after drugs."
The judge then asks the second man how he did.
"I got 200 people off drugs," he replies.
"But that"s staggering," says the judge. "How did you manage that?"
"Well, I drew two pictures - a small circle and a large circle.
I showed them the small circle first and told them that was their a.r.s.ehole before going into prison ..."
A young woman is alone in a railway carriage when a dishevelled lout walks in, sits opposite her and takes out a packet of peeled prawns to eat. Belching and farting, he eats his way through the packet and then throws the empty carton onto the floor.
At this point the young woman gets up, gathers together all the rubbish and throws it out of the window. She then pulls the communication cord.
"You silly b.i.t.c.h," he chuckles, "that"ll cost you a 50 fine."
"Maybe," replies the lady. "But it"ll cost you 15 years when they smell your fingers."
A simple young man got very drunk one day and was caught short on the way home so he relieved himself in the local river. At that moment a policeman came along and shouted to him.
"Stop that immediately, put it away and go home, you drunken sod."
The man stuck his d.i.c.k back inside his trousers and started to laugh.
"What the h.e.l.l are you laughing at?" demanded the policeman.
"Ha, ha," replied the man. "I really tricked you this time. I put it away but I didn"t stop."
"Have you anything to say before I pa.s.s sentence?" asked the judge.
"f.u.c.k all," said the defendant.
"I"m sorry, I didn"t hear that," replied the judge and turning to the clerk of the court, he asked him what the man had said.
"He said f.u.c.k all," responded the court official.
"Really?" puzzled the judge. "I could have sworn I saw his lips move."
A simple man was accused of stalking a beautiful young girl and was told he would have to line up in an ident.i.ty parade.
When they took the girl along the line, he shouted loudly, "That"s her."
"Mr Makepiece, you are up before this court for possessing a counterfeit press. Although no money can be found, I p.r.o.nounce you guilty of intent to produce counterfeit money. Do you have anything to say?" asked the judge.
"Just one thing, your honour. You"d better find me guilty of adultery as well because I have the equipment for that too."
"Mr Luckless, before I pa.s.s sentence, do you have anyone who could vouch for your good character?" asked the judge.
"Yes, Your Honour, I do," he replied.
"Him over there" and he pointed to the local police officer.
"But your Honour," spluttered the officer, "I"ve never met this man in my life."
"Exactly," exclaimed Mr Luckless, triumphantly. "I"ve lived in this town for twenty years and the police still don"t know me.
Now doesn"t that show good character?"
The head of the East End gang was Walter "Shooter"
Menagle. He and his thugs earned thousands of pounds a month from protection rackets, gambling syndicates and general crime. One day, one of his trusted men asked him if he could find a job for his nephew who was deaf and dumb.
"Sure," said Menagle, "get him to be a runner for the casinos. So young Ken joined the gang and went about his business unnoticed by those around him until one fatal morning when he and his uncle were called to Menagle"s office.
"Now listen and listen good," said Menagle to the uncle.
"Your-low-down no-good nephew has been stealing money from me. Bit by bit over these past few months, it"s added up to over 1 /4 million. I want it back. NOW. Go on, tell him."
The shocked uncle turned to his nephew and in sign language asked him what he had done with the money. Ken shook his head and Menagle flew into a rage. Taking a gun out of his jacket he aimed it at the boy"s head and screamed, "Get that f.u.c.ker to tell me where the money is or he can start to say his prayers."
Again, the uncle asked his nephew in sign language and this time the terrified boy responded by signing that he"d hidden the money in his uncle"s garage.
"Well," demanded Menagle. "What"s he saying?"
"He said he doesn"t believe you"d shoot him, he thinks you"ll chicken out."
A fishing boat had crashed onto the rocks in heavy seas and the lighthouse keeper was taken to court for negligence. His lawyer asked him "Did you carry out your duties on the night in question?"
The lighthouse keeper described his work, how the machinery flashed the light on and off and how he constantly watched the seas through his telescope. The jury was so impressed with his testimony that they found him not guilty.
Later, the lawyer congratulated him on being such a clear speaker.
"Thank you," said the lighthouse keeper, "but I was worried for a while."
"How come?" asked the lawyer.
"I was worried that someone was going to ask me if the light was working."
The timid man was put in jail for jaywalking and found himself sharing a cell with a huge brute of a man - 19 stone, hairy and rough and doing life for murder.
"Now let"s get one thing sorted out straight away," he snarled, "are you going to be the husband or the wife?"
Terrified of the consequences, the poor man stuttered "I, I"ll - er - be the husband," thinking it was the better of two evils.
"Okay, husband, grinned the brute. "Get down on your knees and suck your wife"s d.i.c.k."
"Mr O"Malley, you are up before this court for being drunk and disorderly. Do you have anything to say in your defence?"
"Yes, your honour. I fell into bad company. I met some non- drinkers in the park."
"But why should that be bad?"
"I had a bottle of whisky with me and I had to drink it all myself."
It was a big day in the remote Welsh town because old Lloyd was up in court for indecent behaviour with a sheep. All the townspeople packed into the small court to hear the proceedings. The one and only witness took the stand and was asked what he had seen." Well, your honour, I see"s old Lloyd walk up behind this sheep, drop his trousers and hold onto the sheep"s back. There was a bit of shaking and then he pulled his trousers back up, and the sheep turned around and licked his face."
At that point, one of the men on the jury turned to his fellow jurors and whispered, "You can tell it"s a good sheep when it does that."
"Quite right," said the others, nodding their heads.
LOVE"S YOUNG DREAM.
The young couple had just got down to business when the girl suddenly stopped.
"What"s wrong, sweetheart, am I hurting you, shall I take it out?"
"Yes," she murmured. "Would you mind taking it out and then putting it in a few times until I make up my mind?"
"h.e.l.lo, Colin, what are you doing riding around on that woman"s bicycle?"
"Well, it"s a long story," replied Des. "I was on my way into town when this lady pa.s.ses me on a bicycle. She stops, waits for me to catch up, gives me a kiss and then takes her clothes off!"
"You can have anything you want," she says, so I took the bicycle...Well, I"m not a pervert, I don"t wear women"s clothes."
Halfway up a 1 in 4 hill the couple"s car spluttered to a halt.
"Shall we get out and push it up?" asked the man.
"That"s a good idea," she replied, "but will it be alright to leave the car here?"
On another occasion the car broke down on a very cold winter"s day.
"I"ll soon have it mended," said the man and he jumped out of the car and tinkered about underneath the bonnet. Five minutes later he got back in the car and put his hands between her legs.
"It"s so cold out there, my hands are freezing up so I"m just trying to warm them," he explained.