Two old men were sitting on a park bench commenting on life when one turned to the other and said, "Now here"s an interesting thing, when I was in my 20s and got a stiffie, I couldn"t bend it at all. Then in my 30s, I could bend it an inch, in my 40s, I could bend it 2 inches, then 3 inches in my 50s and now I"m going to be 60 next week. Doesn"t it make you wonder how much stronger I"m going to get!"
"Let me tell you," said the drunk old man, slurring into his pint of beer, "alchohol"s a dreadful thing, it killed my wife, you know."
"I"m so sorry," replied his listener, "alcoholic was she?"
"No, no, I came home p.i.s.sed and shot her."
A short-sighted spinster was ill in bed and got a visit from what she thought was the vicar. After he had been with her for some time, he left as her friend arrived.
"That was nice of the vicar to call, wasn"t it?" said the spinster.
"No, dear, that was the doctor."
"Oh really," she replied, disappointed, "I thought he was very familiar."
Two little old spinsters visit the zoo for the day and end up watching the elephants. One of the spinsters finds herself close to the fence and there, not more than a few inches away, are the elephant"s t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es. Unable to stop herself, she reaches out and squeezes them. All of a sudden, the elephant roars loudly, stampedes through the fence and disappears into the park.
The zoo keeper rushes up to the old spinsters and asks them what happened. When they"ve finished their explanation, he drops his trousers and says, "Here, you"d better squeeze mine in the same way, I"ve got to catch that b.u.g.g.e.r."
A rich but sleazy old man picks up a young girl in the local pub. He buys her drinks all night and then suggests they go somewhere for a late supper. To his astonishment, she agrees and suggests they go to one of the cla.s.siest clubs in town, where she orders all the most expensive food and eats the lot with gusto.
"Goodness me, do you always eat so much?" he asks.
"Only when someone wants to get into my pants!" she replies.
An old couple are sitting in deck chairs enjoying a few rays of sun when all of a sudden, a seagull flies overhead and drops his load on top of the man"s head.
"Just a moment, dear," says the wife, "I think I"ve got some tissue paper in my bag."
"Don"t be daft, dear, it"ll be miles from here by now," he replies.
Three men were moaning about the problems that old age brings.
"Look at me," said the 70-year-old. "Every morning I"m woken by a strong urge to have a pee but when I get up and go to the bathroom I have to stand there ages before anything happens."
"I wish I had your problems," said the 80-year-old. "Every morning I go for a s.h.i.t but I"m so constipated I end up being there for over 2 hours."
"Well, you"re both b.l.o.o.d.y lucky," said the 90-year-old.
"Every morning at 7 o"clock, I have a good p.i.s.s and s.h.i.t like an elephant. The problem is...I don"t wake up until 8.30."
Two women were in the kitchen listening to their husbands"
conversation.
"It"s incredible," said the first lady, "that all they can talk about is golf and s.e.x."
"Oh I don"t know," replied her friend. "You must remember at their ages that"s all they can do - talk about it."
Two friends meet up at the over-60s social club.
"I haven"t seen you in here for a few weeks," comments the first man.
"No, I"ve been in jail."
"In jail! What did you do?"
"Nothing. It just so happened that I was walking in the park when a beautiful young girl and a policeman rushed up and the girl accused me of s.e.xual a.s.sault. Well, at my age, I was so flattered, I didn"t deny it."
Two old men reminisce about old times.
"Do you know, Sid, when I was just a lad I never made love to my wife before we got married. Did you?"
"I can"t remember," said Alf. "What was her maiden name?"
A very old woman is walking down the lane when she sees a frog waving to her.
"Oh miss," he calls. "Please help me. If you give me a kiss I will turn into a handsome film star and I promise to stay with you forever."
The old woman picks up the frog and puts it straight into her handbag.
"Hey!" shouts the frog, "Aren"t you going to kiss me?"
"Oh no," she replies. "When you get to my age, what good is a handsome man? A talking frog is much more exciting."
An old woman who"d been living on her own for many years was burgled one night. They tied her up, ransacked the house and were just about to leave when the boss turned to his accomplices and said, "Wait outside, I reckon I"ll just give her something to remember me by."
"Oh, come on, boss," whined the others. "Let"s just get out of here before there"s any trouble."
Hearing this, the old woman interrupted.
"Now hold on, don"t you think you ought to leave it to the boss to decide what to do?"
Two old ladies talking over half a mild in the local pub.
"Did you hear old Sid had a ma.s.sive stroke?" said one.
"Oh yes," said the other. "Everyone knew, that"s why he was so popular with the ladies."
"Look, Flo," said the old spinster, "they"re selling 3 cuc.u.mbers for 60p."
"Well, I can always eat the other two," came the reply.
He was so old that when he asked the doctor how long he might live, the doctor replied, "I wouldn"t advise you to buy any green bananas."
A man who lived at a nudist colony received a letter from his mother asking him to send her a more up-to-date photo of himself. Unfortunately, he only had one picture, but it was of him in the nude, so he cut the photo in half and sent her the top half. Some time later, mum wrote again asking him if he would send a photo of himself to his ageing grandmother.
Now he only had the bottom half left but because she had such poor eyesight, he took a chance that she would be none the wiser. Some time later, he got a letter back from his grandmother and in it she said, "Thanks for the picture.
Maybe you should change your hairstyle a bit, though, it makes your nose look long."
Two old seadogs were mulling over old times in the Black Dog Public House. One had a wooden leg and the other had an eye patch and a hook on the end of his arm.
"So how did you lose your leg?" asked one-eyed Jack.
"It were back in "49. Our ship went down in rough seas off the coast of China and some b.l.o.o.d.y big shark came along and bit it off. The b.a.s.t.a.r.d! So what about you and your hook?"
"That was down to Hardacre"s lads. They chased us halfway across the channel before boarding us. But we put up a great fight. Shook the beggars off in the end. Just a shame it wasn"t before one of them cut my arm off."
"And what about the eye patch?"
"Seagull s.h.i.t."
"What! I don"t believe it."
"As true as I"m sitting here," said Jack. "I happened to look up at the sun and this seagull shat in my eye."
"And that"s what made you blind?"
"No, but it was only the second day with my new hook."
Two old women lived in the most boring old people"s home ever.
There was nothing to do but watch TV, play bingo or knit.
"Let"s liven this place up a bit," said one to the other. "Why don"t we give the men a thrill and streak past them as they"re all sitting in their deckchairs.
The other agreed and later in the day, they carried out their plan.
"Did you see that?" one old man asked his companion.
"I did," he replied "but my eyes aren"t so good these days, who were they and what were they wearing?"
"I don"t know who they were, but whatever they were wearing, it needed ironing."
Sweet old Fay Mahoney hobbled along to confession as she"d done for more than 70 years. She went in, sat down and began. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I committed adultery with a young, good-looking milkman."
"Oh my goodness," said the shocked priest, "and when was this?"
"About fifty years ago, but I just felt like remembering the good old days."
DEAD ENDS.
A man was lying on his death bed, time was running out and his family were standing round about.
"Joe, Joe," whispered his wife, "is there anything I can do for you? Do you have a last wish?"
Joe lifted his head slowly from the pillow and sniffed the air.
He could smell his wife"s baking in the oven.
"Can I have just a last slice of the wonderful cake you"re baking?" he croaked.