Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.
"Well... not exactly." his friend replied, "She"s more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well... not exactly...."
"I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
Epileptic s.e.x.
A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.
They"re having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible -- best s.e.x he"d ever had.
He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.
A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her o.r.g.a.s.m"s stuck!"
Fishing Trip.
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband"s best friend. They had s.e.x for hours, and afterwards, while they"re just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman"s house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
She is speaking in a cheery voice) "h.e.l.lo? Oh, hi. I"m so glad that you called. Really? That"s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he"s having on his fishing trip with you."
Foot Fetish.
The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish - but I suppose I"d settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
Forty Ways Men Fail in Bed.
1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you"re paying by the hour and trying to get your money"s worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly pa.s.sionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there"s a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you"re trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner"s face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it"s not pa.s.sion, it"s avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and soothe them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman"s nipples, then clamp down like they"re trying to deflate her body via her b.r.e.a.s.t.s? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can"t stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they"re a doggie toy isn"t.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you"re trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole b.r.e.a.s.t.s, not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you"ve ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown v.a.g.i.n.a. So start paying them some attention.
8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you"re going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the d.a.m.n things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man"s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE c.l.i.tORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the c.l.i.toris.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don"t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she"s not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid"s toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very s.e.xy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE v.a.g.i.n.a. Although most men can find the c.l.i.toris without maps, they still believe that the v.a.g.i.n.a is where it"s all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you"re trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you"re not careful, it can hurt - so don"t get carried away. It"s best to pay more attention to her c.l.i.toris and the exterior of her v.a.g.i.n.a at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15) Ma.s.sAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You"re attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing ma.s.sage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don"t force the issue by stripping before she"s at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it"s just undoing a couple of b.u.t.tons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first!
18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the p.e.n.i.s-in-v.a.g.i.n.a situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she"ll soon feel lie an a.s.sembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man"s fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a s.e.x G.o.d, but to her it"s more likely the mark of a numb v.a.g.i.n.a. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you"re playing Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don"t know, don"t ask 23) PERFORMING ORAL s.e.x TOO GENTLY. Don"t act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her c.l.i.toris.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she"s eyeball-to-p.e.n.i.s, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-p.e.n.i.s. All women hate this. It"s about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she"s performing oral s.e.x, warn her before you come so she can do what"s necessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING f.e.l.l.a.t.i.o. Don"t thrust. She"ll do all the moving during f.e.l.l.a.t.i.o. You just lie there. And don"t grab her head.
27) TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADIVE FROM p.o.r.n MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.e over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn"t feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29) ATTEMPTING a.n.a.l s.e.x AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don"t think that being drunk is an excuse.
30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she"ll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no-no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINT HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It"s as s.e.xy as a belching contest.
33) ARANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she"s a Romanian gymnast, don"t get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a s.e.xual partner with snapped hamstrings.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: a.n.a.l stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don"t.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don"t shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It"s not a big turn-on.
37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she"ll let you know 38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
40) NOT THANKING HER. Don"t forget that you"re a f.u.c.kin" slob,.. and you"re lucky to have that G.o.ddess in your life. Be sure to thank her with BOTH words and actions.
Got f.u.c.k for a Duck.
A father was trying to decide which of his 3 sons to leave his money to. He decided that the best way to find out was to give each of them a duck & see which one could get the most for it on the market. The 1st son came back with $5, the 2nd son $10. The 3rd son was determined that he would receive the inheritance & he set out on his journey. He saw a lady in the market. He asked her how much she would pay him for the duck. She replied "I won"t pay you a thing, but I"ll f.u.c.k ya for it" he agreed. Afterwards when he had given her the duck he said "hey, that"s a nice duck you got there, I"ll f.u.c.k ya for it" The lady, still in shock from the wonderful s.e.x she had just had, agreed. After they had finished she started to hand him the duck, but it ran out the door & was trampled to death by a horse & cart. "Lady! u killed my duck!" he complained. "Here"s $15 for it" she said as she handed him $15. Satisfied he ran home. When his father asked him what he got he replied excitedly "I got a f.u.c.k for a duck, a duck for a f.u.c.k, & $15 for a f.u.c.ked up duck !!!!!"
Another duck version.....
A farmer and his young son were struggling to keep the farm going after the death of the farmer"s wife. While planting the north forty, they ran out of seed. "I hate to ask this, I know how much you love your pet duck Gertrude, but I want you to go to town and sell her and buy more seed while I plant what we have left". The son reluctantly agreed it was necessary and set off on foot, since they had already sold the truck. He had to walk by the wh.o.r.ehouse, so he stopped when he saw the door open, for he had always been curious. "I"m only a poor farmboy, but I always wanted to know what goes on in here. I have no money to pay; only this duck." The madam, seeing his bulge, said "I wouldn"t normally do this, but business is slow. See Alice, last door on the right." After repeating his sad story, Alice agreed to take the duck, and proceeded to demonstrate her craft. Finding him very well endowed, she said, "I"ll give you back the duck for another go." He agreed. Shortly, a sailor arrived and burst in the door to Alice"s room. "My ship leaves in an hour and I have to see Alice once more before I leave; I"ll give you $10 to let me go first." After a while the boy, worried about how long he was gone and what he had done, went back to the farm. His father saw him come back with the duck and started to berate him. Exasperated at his reception, he blurted "Look! I got a f.u.c.k for a duck, a duck for a f.u.c.k, ten bucks to duck a f.u.c.k, and I"ve still got the f.u.c.kin" duck!!"
Insatiable s.e.x Appet.i.te.