The butler did it!
Lady Smith-Bonnington calls James her butler into her office.
"James, remove my dress."
James removes her dress.
"James, remove my shoes."
James removes her shoes."
"James, remove my bra.s.siere."
James removes her bra."
"James, remove my knickers."
James removes her knickers.
"Now, James," says Lady Smith-Bonnington, "I never want to catch you wearing my clothes again!"
The Persistent Duck.
A duck walks into a supermarket and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk says, "No, we don"t sell it."
"Okay," says the duck and leaves.
The next day, the duck again walks in to the supermarket and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk says, "Look I"ve told you twice, we don"t have duck feed, we"ve never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I"m going to nail your feet to the floor.
Got that?" The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"
"No." replies the clerk.
"OK then. Got any duck feed?"
Swapping.
Two couples are on holiday together and the guys are talking, "Do you ever get bored having s.e.x with your wife?"
"Sure."
"I wonder if they"d agree to swapping partners?"
Amazingly the women agree. The next morning the guys are chatting.
"How was it?"
"Fantastic, So much fun!"
"Me, too. Now let"s go see how the ladies got on together."
Q: What"s the difference between pink and purple?
A: The strength of your girl friends grip.
The skunk.
A husband and wife are walking in an American forest when they see a wounded skunk.
The woman rushes over, picks it up and says, "Look, it"s shivering... it must be cold. What should I do?"
"Put it between your legs," says the husband.
"What about the smell?" asks the wife.
"Hey," he says, "If its nearly dead I"m sure it won"t mind."
Q: How do ghosts go abroad on holiday?
A: On a spiritual plane of course.
The ring.
A woman is talking to her pal about a new ring that her husband has bought her.
"It"s a mood ring," she says, "my husband bought it for me so he would know what kind of mood I"m in. When I"m in a good mood it turns green. When I"m in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead."
The keys to happiness.
1. It is important that you have a man who is romantic and buys you presents.
2. It is important that you have a man who is fun to be with and makes you laugh.
3. It is important that you have a man who is a hot and pa.s.sionate lover.
4. And it"s extremely important that these three guys don"t know each other.
A real cowboy.
A cowboy with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps orders a drink in a bar. As he sits sipping his whiskey, a young woman sits down beside him. After she"s ordered a drink, she asks, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences. So I guess I so."
After a while, he asked her what she does.
She replies, "I am a lesbian. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she leaves and the cowboy orders another drink. A couple sit down beside him and ask, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replies, "I used to think I was, but I"ve just found out that I"m a lesbian."
The Distinguished Gentleman.
A young girl misses her period for two months. Worried she tells her mother.
Her mother gets a pregnancy test kit and sure enough she"s pregnant.
Shouting and cursing the mother says, "I want the guy that did this here in an hour!"
The girl makes a call and half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A distinguished man impeccably dressed steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl.
"Good morning," he says, "your daughter has told me what"s happened. I can"t marry her because of my personal situation. But, I"ll take care of things. If she has a boy or girl I"ll give her one million dollars. If she has twins I"ll give her one million dollars for each baby. What do you suggest I do if she has a miscarriage?"
The father places a hand firmly on the man"s shoulder and says, "If she has a miscarriage you can F**K her again!"
Sunday school.
Rick and Adam are having a sleep over. Rick says to Adam, "I"m going to stay up late so I fall asleep in Sunday school tomorrow."
Sure enough the next day Rick falls asleep in Sunday school. The Sunday school teacher asks, "Who is our Lord and savoir?" So Adam pokes Rick with his pencil and Rick shouts, "OH MY G.o.d!" The teacher says, "Nice Job Rick!"
Next she asks, "Who died on the cross for us?" So Adam pokes Rick with his pencil and Rick exclaims, "JESUS CHRIST!"
"Good!" says the teacher.