"What is it, dear?" his mother asks.
"I think it"s Adam"s underpants!"
Puns.
When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de- lighted.
He wears gla.s.ses during math because it improves division.
She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.
It wasn"t school John disliked it was just the princ.i.p.al of it.
It"s better to love a short girl than not a tall.
The one who invented the doorknocker got a No-bell prize.
Old power plant workers never die they just de-generate.
There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.
Some Spanish government employees are Seville servants.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends Show me someone in denial and I"ll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles.
When cannibals ate a missionary they got a taste of religion.
To some - marriage is a word. To others - a sentence.
Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
It was an emotional wedding Even the cake was in tiers.
Old skiers never die - they just go down hill.
A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.
An office with many people and few electrical outlets could be in for a power struggle.
How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.
Nylons give women a run for their money.
Talking to her about computer hardware I make my motherboard.
Ancient orators tended to Babylon.
The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.
If you give some managers an inch they think they"re a ruler.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.
Some people don"t like food going to waist..
A cannibal"s favourite game is "swallow the leader".
Girls who don"t get asked out as often as their friends could feel out-dated.
We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn"t even afford to pay attention.
A pet store had a bird contest with no perches necessary.
When chemists die, we barium.
A long knife has been invented that cuts four loaves of bread at a time called a four loaf cleaver.
When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution.
Two robbers with clubs went golfing, but they didn"t play the fairway.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was intense.
A tattoo artist has designs on his clients.
When they bought a waterbed, the couple started to drift apart.
What you seize is what you get.
Gardeners always know the ground rules.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
When a new hive is done bees have a house swarming party.
Looting a drugstore is called Pillaging Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
Visitors to Cuba are usually Havana good time.
A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee free.
A ditch digger was entrenched in his career.
A girl and her boyfriend went to a party as a barcode. They said they were an item.
A criminal"s best a.s.set is his lie ability.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old Wild West. He slides up to the bar and says, "I"m looking for the guy that shot my paw."
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him....what? .... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!
Saddam"s message.
Saddam gets a coded message from President Bush. It reads: 370HSSV-0773H Saddam is stumped and sends for the Republican Guard. They can"t understand it, so he sends for the Secret Police. They suggest turning the paper upside down.
Fancy Dress Party.
A guy is struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy dress party. Then he has a bright idea.
When the host answers the door, she finds the guy with no shirt, no shoes and no socks.
"What are you supposed to be?" asks the host.
"A premature e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.n," says the guy. "I"ve just come in my pants!"
The Happy Bride and Groom.
A groom pa.s.ses down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what"s up - you look so excited!"
The groom replies, "I just had the best b.l.o.w. .j.o.b I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honour notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what"s up - you look so excited!"
The bride replies, "I have just given the last b.l.o.w. .j.o.b of my entire life."
Golf ruling.
Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other was in the cup.
They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using a number three they were Unable to decide. So they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.
After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?"
Two men dressed in trench coats.
A blonde woman was driving down the highway when her car broke down. She pulled to the side of the road, got out and opened the trunk of her car.
Two men dressed in trench coats got out of her trunk. They faced the oncoming traffic and proceeded to bare their nude bodies to the other drivers.
A cop drives up and asks the blonde, "What the h.e.l.l is going on here?"
She tells him, "Well officer, my car broke down."
He says, "Miss, I can see that, but why are these two men exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic?"
She says, "I didn"t want to cause an accident, so I"m using my emergency flashers!"
Johnny and the giant.