Bill: "Of course he doesn"t! He does undercover work!"
Teacher: "Ok who cla.s.s, who can tell me how the counties of England got their names?"
Johnnie: Miss, Miss! Did they name them after cricket teams?
Golf stance.
A guy is golfing with a friend and decides to visit the restroom before the start of play.
As he walks out of the restroom he gives audible sigh.
"Feel better?" His pal asks, "Yeah," he replies, "You know, that"s the only place on the whole course where n.o.body tells me how to improve my stance or change my grip!"
Burglar 1: "Quick, the police are coming...jump out the window!"
Burglar 2: "But we"re on the thirteenth floor!"
Burglar 1: "This is no time to be superst.i.tious!"
Hit and run.
A mathematician is knocked down by a hit-and-run driver. When the police arrive they ask, "Did you get the driver"s license plate number?"
"Not exactly," he replies. "But I did notice if it were doubled and then multiplied by itself, the square root of the product was the same as the original numbers, only with the integers reversed."
A sad day.
Farmer Brown"s son went to the big city to make his fortune.
Unfortunately he became a stockbroker, and with the market downturn, he found himself reduced to shining shoes for a living.
At the same time, a run of unusually good weather resulted in an abundance of late hay down on the farm for Farmer Brown.
So ... the farmer makes hay, while the son shines.
Son: "Dad why does my girl friend close her eyes when she kisses me?"
Father: "Take a look in the mirror and you"ll see why."
A woman rushes up to a policeman out of breath and says, "Officer! A man is chasing and he wants to rape me! I think he"s crazy!"
The cop looks at the homely, dumpy middle-aged woman and replies, "Yea, I think your right."
The Reverend Mother and the case.
The Reverend Mother gathers the nuns from the Covent together and says, "Sisters, I have to tell you that we have discovered a case of gonorrhoea at the convent."
A voice from the back shouts, "Thank f.u.c.k for that! I"m sick of that Chardonnay."
A wife walks into the lounge and says to her husband, "You know that cake I promised you?"
"Yea," says the husband.
"Well I put it on the table to cool and the dog"s eaten it."
"Don"t worry," says the Husband, "I can get you another dog."
The lady of the house sobbed to her former prince charming, "You only married me because Daddy left me a lot of money,"
"That"s not true," replied the husband, "I don"t care who left you the money!"
A guy says to his wife, "You know you"re a luck woman. If my d.i.c.ks was just two inches longer I"d be a King amongst men."
"Hum," says his wife, "and if it we"re two inches shorter you"d be Queen amongst women!"
A bloke says to his wife, "Darling, I"ve just got the bill for your plastic surgery and now I know why you doctor was wearing a mask!"
Did you hear what happened to the two blonde thieves that stole a calendar?
They each got 6 months.
Bad weather.
Every Sat.u.r.day morning a guy goes fishing. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes...all day long.
Well, one Sat.u.r.day morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.
Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it"s torrential. There"s even snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it"s going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife"s back, now with a different antic.i.p.ation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?"
How to Survive.
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compa.s.s, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why"s that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compa.s.s is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"
Travelling.
A traveller is in the desert when he sees two local men castrating camels. One of the local"s backs the camel up to a guy holding two bricks. The guy holding the bricks then smashes them together to castrating the camel. After recovering from the sympathetic pain in his crotch the traveller walks over to the guy holding the bricks.
"Doesn"t that hurt?" He asks.
"No, No," replies the local, "as long as you keep your thumbs out of the way."
The blonde.
A newly married blonde has her first appointment with a gynaecologist and tells him that she wants to start a family.
"We"ve been trying for months now Doctor and I just don"t seem to be able to get pregnant," she confesses.
"Don"t worry, we"ll solve your problem," the doctor replies.
"Just take off your knickers and hop up on the examination table..."
"Well, all right, " agrees the blushing blonde, "but I"d rather have my husband"s baby."
The case.
Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client"s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has 500 left."
Deer, Deer.