"No, suh," he declared with great emphasis. "Not perzactly, suh. I didn"t git mah freedom, suh, after de war-I done got married!"
SMELLS.
An argument arose among a number of British officers during their time of service in the Dardanelles, and wagers were made among them. The question at issue was as to which smells the louder, a goat or a Turk. The colonel was made arbiter. He sat judicially in his tent, and a goat was brought in. The colonel fainted. After the officer had been revived, and was deemed able to continue his duty as referee, a Turk was brought into the tent. The goat fainted.
SOCIAL UPLIFT.
The somewhat unpleasant person, who was a social worker, completed her call on a dweller in the tenement district, and rose to depart. The unwilling hostess shook her head at the visitor"s promise to come again.
"And excuse me if I don"t return the call," she vouchsafed. "Myself, I"ve got no time to go slummin"."
The philanthropic hostess entertained a party of children from the slums at her home. She addressed one particularly pretty and intelligent-looking little girl, who listened shyly. She urged the child to speak without embarra.s.sment. The little one complied, aspiring: "How many children have you?"
"Six," the hostess answered, in surprise.
"What a big family! You must be sure to look after them properly, and be very careful to keep them clean."
"I"ll try to, certainly," the lady declared, much amused.
"Has your husband got a job?" the girl demanded crisply.
"Well, no," the hostess admitted.
"How unfortunate! You know you must keep out of debt."
"Really, you must not be impertinent," was the reproof.
"No, ma"am," the child responded simply, "mother said I must talk like a lady, and that"s the way the ladies talk when they come to see us."
SPANKING.
Back in those days when corporal punishment was permitted to teachers, a minor teacher named Miss Bings complained to one of her superiors, Miss Manners, that she had spanked one particular boy, Thomas, until she could spank him no more for physical fatigue.
"When you want him spanked again, send him to me," Miss Manners said.
Next morning, Thomas came into the presence of Miss Manners, displaying an air that was downcast. The teacher regarded him with suspicion.
"Did you come from Miss Bings?" she asked sharply.
"Yes, ma"am," Thomas admitted.
"I thought as much!" On the instant, she skillfully inverted the youngster over her lap, and whacked him in a most spirited manner. This duty done, as the wailings of the boy died away, she demanded sternly: "And now what have you to say?"
"Please, ma"am," Thomas answered brokenly, "Miss Bings wants the scissors!"
SPEED.
In the business college, the instructor addressed the new cla.s.s concerning the merits of shorthand.
In his remarks, he included this statement: "It is a matter of record that it took the poet Gray seven years to write his famous poem, "Elegy in a Country Churchyard." Had he been proficient in stenography, he could have done it in seven minutes. We have had students who have written it in that length of time."
The young lady interested in botany inquired of the gentleman who had been traveling in the South.
"What sort of a plant is the Virginia creeper?"
"That is not a plant," was the answer, given wearily; "it"s a railroad."
SPELLING.
Some time before Mr. Taft became President of the United States, he took an extended trip in the mountains of West Virginia. On one occasion, he was conveyed along the mountain roads in a buggy driven by a native of the region. As they came to a small stream, Mr. Taft, without any particular interest, inquired concerning the brook"s name. So far as he could understand, the answer was:
"This here are Swum-swum Crick."
"What?" Mr. Taft demanded.
In the repet.i.tion, the words sounded like: "This here are Swoovel Crick."
The questioner was so puzzled that he asked the mountaineer how the name of the Creek was spelled.
The native spat tobacco juice reflectively over the wheel, and then spoke judicially: "Waal, some spells it one way, an" some spells it another way; but in my jedgmint thar are no propeer way."
The clerk of the court directed the witness to spell his name. The man started his reply thus: "O double t, i double u, e double l, double u, double--"
The clerk interrupted: "Please, begin again."
The witness complied glibly: "O double t, i double u, e double l, double u, double o--"
The clerk groaned. The judge himself intervened: "What is your name?"
"Your Honor, it is Ottiwell Wood. I spell it: O double t, i double u, e double l, double u, double o, d."
SPINSTERHOOD.
The old colored mammy took advantage of a wedding announcement to question her mistress, who remained a spinster still though approaching middle age.
"When is you gwine to git married, missy?"
"I don"t know, mammy," was the thoughtful reply. "Really, I don"t think I"ll ever get married."
A note of sadness in the speaker"s voice moved the old woman to attempt philosophical consolation: "Well, they do say as how ole maids am the happies" kind after they quits strugglin"."
SPITE.
The faithful old employee asked for a day off. The request was granted, with an inquiry as to what he intended to do on his holiday.
"I think," came the cautious answer, "I shall go to my wife"s funeral. She died the other day."
A few weeks later, the request for a day off was repeated.
"And what are you going to do this time?" the employer asked.
"I think, mebbe, I"ll get married."
"What! So soon after burying your wife?"
The faithful old employee smiled tolerantly, as he answered: "Oh, well, I was never one to hold spite."
SPORTSMANSHIP.
In the party out after reed birds was a tyro at the sport. When at last he saw one of the birds walking about, he plumped down on his stomach, and took aim. A companion called to him sharply: "You"re not going to shoot the bird while it"s walking?"
"No," was the firm response; "I"ll wait till it stops."
SPRING.
The teacher talked on the four seasons, telling how in the spring the new life comes to the earth, with the growth of gra.s.ses and leaves and flowers, how this life matures in summer, and so on, and so on. Then she called on the cla.s.s to repeat the information she had given. She asked one little boy about spring.
"What do we find in the spring, George?"
George seemed very reluctant to answer, but when the teacher insisted he at last said: "Why, ma"am, there"s a frog, an" a lizard, an" a snake, an" a dead cat, but I didn"t put the cat there. It was another boy."
STAMMERING.
On the occasion of a most interesting family event, Mr. Peedle, who desired a son, paced the drawing-room in extreme agitation, until at last the doctor appeared in the doorway.
"Oh, oh, tell me," he gasped, "what is it-a boy or a girl?"
"Tr-tr-tr-" the physician began stammeringly.
Peedle paled.
"Triplets! Merciful providence!"
"Qu-qu-qu-" spluttered the doctor.
Peedle paled some more.
"Quadruplets!" he moaned.
"N-n-no!" the physician snapped. "Qu-qu-quite the contrary. Tr-tr-try to take it qu-quietly. It"s a girl."
STYLE.
Two old friends met, and immediately found that they were equally devoted to motoring. After a discussion of their various cars, one bethought himself to ask concerning the other"s wife, whom he had never seen. That lady was described by her husband, as follows: "Nineteen-six model, limousine so to say, heavy tread, runs on low."