Small Girl: "To-day"s my mummy"s wedding-day."
Smaller Girl (with air of superiority): "My mummy was married years ago."
"Wot"s a minimum wage, Albert?"
"Wot yer gets for goin" to yer work. If yer wants ter make a bit more yer does a bit o" work for it."
Office Boy (anxious to go to football match): "May I have the afternoon off, Sir? My grand--"
Employer: "Oh, yes, I"ve heard that before. Your grandmother died last week."
Office Boy: "Yes, Sir; but-my grandfather"s getting married again this afternoon."
Minister"s Wife: "My husband was asking only this morning why you weren"t in the habit of attending church."
Latest Inhabitant: "Well, you see, it does so cut into one"s Sundays."
"Two mistakes here, waiter-one in your favor, one in mine."
"In your favor, Sir? Where?"
Mistress: "Oh, cook, be sure and put plenty of nuts in the cake."
Cook: "You don"t catch me crackin" no more nuts to-day. I"ve very near broke me jaw already."
Gushing Lady: "Yes, she"s married to a lawyer, and a good honest fellow too."
Cynic: "Bigamist!"
Mother: "Augustus, you naughty boy, you"ve been smoking. Do you feel very bad, dear?"
Augustus: "Thank you-I"m only dying."
New Butler: "At what time, Sir, would you wish to dine as a rule?"
Profiteer: "What time do the best people dine?"
New Butler: "At different times, Sir."
Profiteer: "Very well. Then I, too, will dine at different times."
Fond Mamma: "I sometimes think, Percy, you don"t treat your dear father with quite the proper respect."
Young Hopeful; "Well, Ma, I never liked the man."
Playful Hostess: "Couldn"t you manage one more eclair?"
Serious Little Boy: "No, fanks, I"ve no more room."
Playful Hostess: "If I picked you up by the heels and shook you, would that help?"
Serious Little Boy (after deep thought): "No, fanks, that would make the s.p.a.ce at the wrong end."
Vicar"s Wife: "What are you children doing in daddy"s study?"
Ethel: "It"s a great secret, Mummy. We"re giving daddy a new bible for his birthday."
Vicar"s Wife: "Oh-and what are you writing in it?"
Ethel: "Well, you see, we thought we"d better copy what daddy"s friends put in the books they give him, so we"re writing, "With the author"s compliments.""
THE OBSTACLE.
George: "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if it hadn"t been for something she said."
Fred: "What did she say?"
George: "No!"
CHANGING THE SUBJECT.
She: "Well! Let us change the subject. I"ve done nothing but talk about myself all evening."
He: "I"m sure we couldn"t find anything better."
She: "Very well, then! Suppose you talk about me for a while."
"I say, Taxi, I"ve only got enough change to pay the exact fare. D"you mind taking a cheque for the tip?"
A CHANCE LOST.
"Who was the originator of the idea that a husband and wife are one?"
"I give it up; but it strikes me he might have saved a lot of argument if he had said which one."
He: "I never knew until to-day that the Rev. Dr. Preachly married an actress."
She: "Oh, yes! It is she who rehea.r.s.es him in those beautiful extempore sermons he preaches."
DURING THE QUARREL.
He: "But if you will allow me to--"
She: "Oh! I know what you are going to say, but you"re quite mistaken and I can prove it."
CONDITIONAL.
Eloping Bride: "Oh, Jack! I can"t help wondering what father will say when he gets our letter."
Bridegroom: "It can"t make any difference to our happiness, darling-so long as he doesn"t do it when we get back."
JUST IGNORANCE.
He (dejectedly): "I"m sure I don"t see why our parents won"t give their consent. I consider their conduct is little short of cruel."
She: "Oh, Jack! How can you expect old fogies like they are to know anything about love?"
ALL IN ONE BREATH.
Wife: "I"m afraid you"ll think me rather extravagant, dear, but I spent ten dollars to-day on a boat, and a train, and a fire-engine, and a box of soldiers, and some nine pins for Freddie"s birthday. By the way, what are you going to buy him?"
A YOUNG PHILOSOPHER.
"Mamma!"
"What is it, dear?"
"It seems to me that a "silly question" is something that you don"t know the answer to."