Magistrate: "Can"t this case be settled out of court?"
Mulligan: "Sure, sure; that"s what we were trying to do, your honor, when the police interfered."
An old darky visited a doctor and received instructions as to what he should do. Shaking his head, he was about to leave the office, when the doctor called out "Hey, there, uncle, you forgot to pay me." "Pay you fo" what, boss?" "For my advice." "Nossuh, boss," said Rastus, shuffling out. "I"se compluntated it from all angles and decided not to take it."
An airman had been taking up pa.s.sengers for short trips, and by the time his last trip came was absolutely fed up by being asked silly questions. He told his pa.s.sengers, two ladies, that on no account were they to speak to him; that he could not talk and give his attention to his machine, and that they must keep silent. Up they went, and the airman quite enjoyed himself. He looped the loop and practiced all sorts of stunts to his own satisfaction with no interruption from his pa.s.sengers until he felt a touch on his arm. "What is it?" he said impatiently. "I"m so sorry to trouble you," said a voice behind, "and I know I oughtn"t to speak. I do apologize sincerely, but I can"t help it. I thought perhaps you ought to know Annie"s gone."
Chloe: I sho" mighter knowed I gwine have bad luck if I do dat washin" on Friday.
Daphne: What bad luck done come to you?
Chloe: I sen" home dat pink silk petticoat wid de filly aidge what I was gwine keep out to wear to chu"ch on Sunday.
The professor was deeply absorbed in some scientific subject when the nurse announced the arrival of a boy. "What-who?" stammered the professor absently. "Why interrupt me-isn"t my wife at home?"
SARCASM.
Everything that could be done to make the great unemployed meeting a success had been accomplished. A large hall, and a good speaker had been engaged.
When the latter arrived he seemed in a crabby frame of mind. Looking round, he beckoned the chairman.
"I should like to have a gla.s.s of water on my table, if you please," he said.
"To drink?" was the chairman"s idiotic question.
"Oh, no," was the sarcastic retort, "when I"ve been speaking half-an-hour I do a high dive."
NONE AT ALL.
Sandy had gone to the station to see his cousin off.
"Mac," he said, "ye micht like to leave me a bob or twa tae drink ye a safe journey."
"Mon, I canna," was the reply. "A" my spare cash I gie tae my auld mither."
"That"s strange! Your mither said you niver gave her anything!"
"Well, if I dinna gie my auld mither anything, what sort of chance d"ye think you"ve got?"
ART AND NATURE.
Husband: "What was that you were playing, my dear?"
Wife: "Did you like it?"
"It was lovely-the melody divine, the harmony exquisite!"
"It is the very thing I played last evening, and you said it was horrid."
"Well, the steak was burnt last evening."
MISUNDERSTOOD.
Mistress: "Don"t call them jugs, Mary; they"re ewers."
Maid: "Oh, thank you, ma"am. And are all them little basins mine, too?"
ALL BRAINS.
A gentleman who was walking through a public gallery, where a number of artists were at work, overheard the following amusing conversation between a big, heavy-looking man, who was painting on a large picture, and a weak-looking little cripple, who, limping over to where he sat, looked over his shoulder for a few minutes, and said timidly: "I beg your pardon, sir, may I ask what medium you paint with?"
"Brains," shouted the other in a voice of thunder.
"Oh, indeed! That accounts for its fogginess," which caused a roar of laughter.
THIRTEEN TO ONE.
Just before the service the clergyman was called into the vestibule by a young couple, who asked that he should marry them. He answered he had not time then, but that if they would wait until after the sermon he would be glad to do so. Accordingly, just before the end of the service, he announced: "Will those who wish to be married to-day please come forward?"
Thirteen women and one man quickly stepped up.
A GOOD ACTOR.
Neighbour: "I hear that you had an actor employed on your farm."
Farmer: "Yes, and he"s a fairly good actor, too. Why, I thought he was working the last week he was here."
TOO SAD FOR THAT.
A tourist was chatting with the proprietor of the village inn.
"This place boasts of a choral society, doesn"t it?" he asked.
The innkeeper looked pained.
"We don"t boast about it," he replied, in low, sad tones. "We endure it with all the calm resignation we can!"
The swain and his swainess had just encountered a bulldog that looked as if his bite might be quite as bad as his bark. "Why, Percy," she exclaimed as he started a strategic retreat, "you always swore you would face death for me." "I would," he flung back over his shoulder, "but that darn dog ain"t dead."
Wife (enthusiastically): I saw the most gorgeous chiffonier to-day, dear. But, of course, I know we can not afford-- Hubby (resignedly): When have they promised to deliver it?
REALISED.
Lawyer: "When I was a boy my highest ambition was to be a pirate."
Client: "You"re in luck. It isn"t every man who can realise the dreams of his youth."
NEVER MISS ONE.
Elder sister: "Oh, you fancy yourself very wise, I dare say; but I could give you a wrinkle or two."
Younger sister: "No doubt-and never miss them."
A BAD NIGHT.
The boy who had "made good" in town asked his old mother to come to London. He gave the old lady the best room in the hotel-one with a private bath adjoining. The next morning the boy asked: "Did you have a good night"s rest?"
"Well, no, I didn"t," she replied. "The room was all right, and the bed was pretty. But I couldn"t sleep very much, for I was afraid someone would want to take a bath, and the only way to it was through my room!"
TRIPPED.
The shaded lights, music in the distance, sweet perfumes from the costly flowers about them- everything was just right for a proposal, and Timkins decided to chance his luck. She was pretty, which was good, and also, he believed, an heiress, which was better.
"Are you not afraid that someone will marry you for your money?" he asked gently.
"Oh! dear, no," smiled the girl. "Such an idea never entered my head!"