Two employees were caught naked and having s.e.x in the office by the guard.
GUARD: Aha! Violating company rules! MAN: What rule? GUARD: Not wearing uniforms.
Define Impotence? Nature"s way of saying "NO HARD FEELINGS"
Why was the 2 piece bikini invented? To separate the meat section from the dairy section.
Boy 1: why did you run away from the naked lady? Boy 2: because my mom said that if I look at a naked lady I will turn to stone, and a part of me was already getting hard!!!
A cardiologist marries a gynecologist and were blessed with twin girls. Guess what they name them - Angina and v.a.g.i.n.a.
A woman gave birth to six babies and on seeing this she got out off hospital bed and slapped her husband and shouted, "I told you not to go doggy style!"
Secretary said publicly that you have a small p.e.n.i.s, would you comment on this? "The truth is that she has a big mouth."
A j.a.panese girl accidentally lets out a big fart after making love. She said, "Aww, so sorry... exkooz me pleazo, Front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud."
What is the useless piece of flesh attached to the p.e.n.i.s called - The Man.
Dracula asked G.o.d, "May I be reincarnated as a white angel with wings and still suck blood?" G.o.d said, "Okay, I will turn you into a sanitary pad."
Man was lying nude on the beach. A s.e.xy babe starts playing tabla on his b.u.t.t. Man : What are you doing? Girl : Playing tabla. Man turns over and says, "Can you play flute?"
Mother was scolding the daughter, "I don"t like the guy you are going out with. He is too dumb". "No, momma," she said, "He is going to be a doctor and he has already cured me of that illness that I used to have every month."
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the sikhs had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the sikh community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the sikh community. If the sikh won, the sikhs could stay. If the Pope won, the sikhs would leave. The sikhs realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Santa Singh to represent them. Santa Singh asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Santa Singh and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Santa Singh looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Santa Singh pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a gla.s.s of wine. Santa Singh pulled out An apple. The Pope stood up and said, I give up. This man is too good. The sikhs can stay. An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one G.o.d common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that G.o.d was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that G.o.d was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that G.o.d absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?" Meanwhile, the sikh community had crowded around Santa Singh. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Santa Singh, "First he said to me that the sikhs had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of sikhs. I let him know that we were staying right here." "Yes, yes,..and then???" asked the crowd. "I don"t know", said Santa Singh, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!!!"
Youngest Son: Daddy, what is the difference between "potentially" and "in reality"? Dad: "I will demonstrate" Dad turns to Wife and asks her: Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars? Wife: Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity! Then Dad asks his daughter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars? Daughter: Waow! Yes! This is my fantasy! Dad next turns to his elder son and asks him: Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars? Elder Son: Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million dollars! I would never hesitate! So Dad then turns back to his younger son saying: You see son, "potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but "in reality" we are living with 2 b.i.t.c.hes and a Gay!
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and Aloha shirts, sandals, sungla.s.ses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying MaiTais, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous redhead in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn"t help but stare and when she pa.s.sed them she turned to them, smiled and said, "Good morning Father Murphy. Good Morning Father O"Toole," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then pa.s.sed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits. These outfits were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them. Again, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous redhead, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sungla.s.ses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads). Again, she approached them and greeted them individually, "Good Morning Father Murphy. Good Morning Father O"Toole," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn"t stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?" "Oh Father, don"t you recognize me? It"s me - Sister Kathryn!"
There was an old country sheriff who always said, "It could have been worse." No matter what happened, the old sheriff always had the same answer: "It could have been worse." One day, two deputies in the sheriff"s office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side. "No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." "You"re right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I"ll bet you when the sheriff gets here he"s going to say "it could have been worse." "No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn"t be worst than that. You"re on." About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse." The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farm-house, and all three of them are dead. It couldn"t have been worse!" "Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it"s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won"t sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarra.s.sed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I"m sorry if I embarra.s.sed you. You see, I"m a graduate student in psychology, and I"m studying how people respond to embarra.s.sing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him: "Why don"t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!" The blind man replies: "If you would"ve put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we"d be sitting in the bus, so shut up!!!!"
A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.
"1. Open your fly.
2. Take out your equipment.
3. Pull back the skin 4. Do your business.
5. Let the skin forward.
6. Stow your equipment.
7. Close your fly."
She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the outhouse door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."
She was pleased with his progress until that day when she pa.s.sed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5."