Lonely Frog.
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology cla.s.s."
Male Race Horse.
The young male racehorse came from a long line of winners, and did wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pa.s.s a mare.
So one day the trainer went to him and told him he"d have to be castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and ill.u.s.trious racing career.
After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
"What"s the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!" "Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted "they"re off!""
Mating Bull.
A man takes his wife to the stock show. As they start heading down the alley that had all the bulls, they come up to the first bull"s stall and the sign in the stall read: "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. You could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign read: "This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month! You can learn from this one, too."
They proceeded to the last bull whose sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife"s mouth drops open and she says, "WOW! This one mated 365 times last year. That"s ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask his owner if it was 365 times with the same cow."
Neighbor"s Rabbit.
One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbors" daughter"s rabbit.
For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the garden. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast. The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes".
Within the hour the neighbor"s car pulled in and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed "DDDAAADDDDDYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do. Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl"s dead rabbit and put it back in it"s cage?"
Nesting Squirrels.
At the government buildings in London, a guard had flinched and his C.O. had seen and walked up to him and said: C.O.: Jones!! Did I just see you flinch Jones?!?
Jones: Yes sir.
C.O. : Why did you flinch Jones?!
Jones: Well, you see Sir. I was standing right here, when all of a sudden, a squirrel came out of that tree, ran across the yard, up me pant leg and nestled in me crotch Sir.
C.O. : Ahh...So that"s when you flinched..Eh Jones?!
Jones: No Sir ...about that same time, a squirrel came out of the other tree, went up me pant leg and nestled in me crotch Sir.
C.O. : That"s when you flinched ..Eh Jones?!
Jones: No Sir...It"s when they began to speak and said "Let"s eat one now and save the other for winter
Parrot.
A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative. The Parrot, a male, sneaks out and screws the next door neighbor turkeys and rushes back home, but not before being caught in the act.
The neighbors knock on the door and explain what the Parrot was up to. The owners reprimand the parrot and tell him if he doesn"t stop it, they will have to shave his head.
That night the Parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out again and screws his neighbor"s turkeys again. The next morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head. The next day at the farmer"s daughters wedding, to please the relative, who had given them the parrot, they sit the parrot on the piano and tell him that he should greet all the guests and direct them to their seats in the church.
The parrot is doing fine. "Groom"s guests to the left and Bride"s guests to the right."
Until finally two bald men arrive and then he announces, "And you two Turkey f.u.c.kers up on the piano with me!!!"
Parrot Made Phone Calls.
Dave went to the pet store and bought himself a parrot. The parrot could speak 5 different languages.
After a week, Dave had to go out of town on business. When Dave returned home and received his phone bill in the mail, he found $500 worth of phone calls had been made.
He asked the parrot about it, and the parrot explained that he had made the calls to his friends around the world.
Dave was furious. He told the parrot that he had to go out of town again and that he had better not make any calls, or else. Yet when Dave returned, he found the same thing Had happened when he received a phone bill for $1000.
Dave took the parrot and nailed his two wings to the wall. The parrot hung his head down, then looked over at the crucifix next to him and said "So, how high was your phone bill?
Plane Pa.s.senger.
A man gets to his plane seat, and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes round, and the man asks her for a coffee, where upon the parrot squawks: "and get me a whisky you cow".
The stewardess, somewhat fl.u.s.tered brings a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its gla.s.s and yells "and get me another whisky you witch!"
Quite upset, the stewardess, shaking returns shortly with a whisky for the parrot, but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot"s approach: " I"ve asked you twice for a coffee, cow, now go and get it or I"ll give you a slap!"
In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards grab both him and the parrot, take them to the emergency exits and throw them out.
As they are ejected from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says "You know, for someone who can"t fly, you"re a pretty cheeky person!!"