Finally the computer engineer gets down to see what is wrong and checks the car for almost an hour and says: "can you please reset the car?"
Tickle Me Elmo Doll.
A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her, she would be stationed on the a.s.sembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.
On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn"t keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.
The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two----Test----Tickles."
Time to go to School.
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It"s time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don"t want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don"t want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that"s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you"re 52 years old. And for another, you"re the Princ.i.p.al!"
Travelling Salesman.
Traveling salesman stops at a hillbilly farmhouse to sell some wares. While he"s there a fierce storm comes up, and the farmer invites him to spend the night.
However, as there wasn"t a spare bedroom, the salesman would have to sleep in the same room as the farmer"s daughter--on the condition that if any hanky-panky went on and the daughter got pregnant, the salesman would have to marry her.
The salesman eyes the daughter, who has the body of a G.o.ddess but the head of a javelina, and figures out that he"s being set up for a shotgun wedding. But he didn"t want to brave the night"s storm, so he agreed to the farmer"s terms.
The next morning, the family is sitting around the breakfast table. The father asks the daughter, "Did he do it last night, girl?"
"Sure did, Pa."
"Excellent!" says the father. "If it"s a boy, we"ll call him John." "And if it"s a girl," says the mother, "we"ll call her Martha."
About that time the salesman came into the room holding a condom and grinning. "Well," he says, "if the little b.a.s.t.a.r.d gets out of this, we"ll call him Houdini."
Tried & Trusted Employee.
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
Union House.
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I"m sorry, it isn"t." said the madame.
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
At the second one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I"m sorry, it isn"t." said the madame.
"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again.
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned.
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That"s more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I"d like her for the night."
"I"m sure you would, sir," said the madam while gesturing to a grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
Vacuum Salesman.
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don"t do wonders cleaning this up, I"ll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
He Salesman says, "why do you ask?"
She says "We just moved in and we haven"t got the electricity turned on yet."
Waiting in Line at the Bank.
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started ma.s.saging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the h.e.l.l are you doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "I"m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to ma.s.sage your back. Sometimes I just can"t help practicing my art!"
"That"s the stupidest thing I"ve ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g the guy in front of me?"
Wanted Animal Trainer.