He shot back acidly, "Well, it"s not used to playing in cathedrals."
Spread the Legs Farther.
A young couple were banging away like there was no tomorrow, when the boy stopped and asked the girl to spread her legs farther apart, which she eagerly did, antic.i.p.ating more of his enthusiastic vigor. Instead, he timidly asked her to spread her legs even farther apart.
She said, "Why? What are you trying to do, ram your b.a.l.l.s inside me?"
"No. I"ve already done that. Now I am trying to get them back out."
That"s no Ring.
A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting increased and he put his hand in her panties.
She seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly objected, "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!"
"That"s no ring! That"s my wrist.w.a.tch."
The Peep Show.
Jack is one h.o.r.n.y guy and is not sure what to do about it. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. Jack walks down the street to the local brothel and knocks on the door.
The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she can do for him. "I"m really h.o.r.n.y but I only have $5. What can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam. She looks over this fellow and tells him, "Don"t worry we can take care of you. No problem".
She leads Jack into a room, and there is a chicken in the corner. Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can"t be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and she closes the door behind her.
Jack undresses and has the time of his life. When he"s done he can"t remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience.
One week later, and h.o.r.n.y again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $10.
"Well, for $10 we have a special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show, Jack", the madam tells him. Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat.
Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other. Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other pa.s.sionately. Apparently there is nothing they won"t do to each other.
Jack once again feels like he is getting his money"s worth. He turns to the person beside him and says, "This is a pretty good show for ten bucks eh?!"
The guy turns to Jack and says, "That"s nothing... last week we saw a guy f.u.c.k a chicken".
Tropical s.e.x.
Guy goes to a wh.o.r.ehouse and asks for something really exotic. The madam says go down the hall to the last rooms on the left. He strolls down to the room and goes in.
In the room he discovers a huge fat girl, but he thinks, what the h.e.l.l. So they strip naked and get in the bed. First thing the fat gal does is sit on his face and cuts a big old fart. He says, "What the h.e.l.l is that?"
She says, "That is a tropical breeze blowing in your face."
He thinks, well OK. Next thing the big old wh.o.r.e does is stand up and start to p.i.s.s all over him and he yells, "What the h.e.l.l is that for?"
She says, "That"s the tropical rain falling on you."
He thinks OK. Then she starts getting wound up and starts beating him on the head with her big t.i.tties. He says, "What the h.e.l.l now?"
She says, "Those are coconuts falling out of the palm trees."
The guy gets up and starts getting dressed and the old wh.o.r.e says, "Where you going?" He says, "I don"t know about you honey, but I can"t f.u.c.k in this kind of weather."
Van-Aerial Disease.
A young couple were making pa.s.sionate love in the guy"s van -- you know, s.h.a.g carpets, big double bed in the back, all of that - - and suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh lover, whip me! Please whip me!"
Well, the guy, not wanting to pa.s.s up an opportunity like that, but unsure what to do as he has no whips around, gets an inspired flash, opens one window, snaps the antenna off his van, and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.tic ecstasy.
Almost a week later the girl notices that the welts she sustained are beginning to fester a bit and goes to her doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and exclaims, "Wow! Looks like you"ve got a bad case of "Van-aerial" disease!"
Wife Swapping.
The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to have a bit of partner swapping for the night.
The guys have agreed that if they can pull off the wife swap, when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoon on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other"s wives. Clever enough!
After several drinks that night they succeed! Jack knows it"s that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.
The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hangover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.
After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut b.u.t.ter.
Bigger b.r.e.a.s.t.s.
A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken b.r.e.a.s.t.s, and a woman I know intended to stock up.
At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. "don"t worry, ya ," he said. "I"ll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher"s voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger b.r.e.a.s.t.s please meet me at the back of the store."
Bra Types.
A man walked into a fancy lingerie department and told the clerk that he wanted to buy a bra for his wife.
The clerk asked the man, "What type of bra does she need?"
"Type? There are different types of bra"s?"
"Yes," the clerk responds. "There is the Catholic type, the Salvation Army type and the Baptist type."
"What"s the difference?"
"Well...," the clerk answered. "The Catholic type supports the ma.s.ses.
The Salvation Army type uplifts the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."