Did you hear about the p.o.r.n film director that wanted to make a movie about bondage, necrophilia and b.e.s.t.i.a.lity?
He couldn"t get backing for the idea, as people said he was flogging a dead horse.
v.i.a.g.r.a.
A middle-aged man walks into a super market and asks for the pharmacy counter. When he reaches the counter, he asks the pharmacist.
"Do you sell v.i.a.g.r.a?"
"Yes, we do." Replies the pharmacist.
"Do you think I could get it over the counter?" The pharmacist looks at him for a moment and then says, "Well, if you took 5 or 6 pills at once, yea may be."
Lady G.o.diva.
Lady G.o.diva returns from her famous ride in the nude and her husband meets her.
"Where have you been?" he asks.
"You know perfectly well," she says, "I have been riding naked through the streets, in order to shame you into reducing those dreadful taxes."
"I know that," says the husband, "but that d.a.m.ned horse of yours got back two hours ago!"
s.e.x therapist.
A guy goes to see a therapist. During the session, the therapist asks, "So, how"s your s.e.x life?"
"I have a lot of issues with s.e.x," the guy replies.
"What kind of issues?" the therapist asks.
"Oh, mostly Daily Sport and Playboy."
The Secrets to a Happy Marriage.
1. Find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. Find a woman that makes good money.
3. Find a woman that like hot s.e.x.
4. And the important point never let these three women meet.
Q: How do you know when an Ess.e.x girl is having an o.r.g.a.s.m?
A: She drops her kebab.
Crocodile Blues.
A Crocodile goes to see doctor. He says, "Doc, please help me. My wife"s going to leave me for another guy, if I can"t solve my problem. I can"t get an erection anymore!"
"Hum interesting." Says the doc, "It sounds like a case of Reptile dysfunction."
King Arthur and the chast.i.ty belt.
King Arthur is in Merlin"s office getting a demonstration of the wizard"s latest creation.
It"s a chast.i.ty belt with a difference; it has a rather large hole in the crutch area.
"Merlin, this is useless" the King exclaims, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, while I"m away on a quest?"
"Observe." says Merlin as he picks up a carrot and inserts it into the chast.i.ty belt"s opening. A razor sharp blade flicks across the opening and guillotine"s the carrot cleanly in two.
"Merlin my man, you"re a genius!" says the grateful king. "Now I can leave for my quest, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
The very next day King Arthur puts Guinevere in the belt and sets out on a quest.
Several months pa.s.s before Arthur return"s to Camelot. Immediately he a.s.sembles his knights in the courtyard and asks them to drop their pants. Arthur"s worst suspicions are confirmed. All but one of his knights have amputated or damaged d.i.c.ks.
"Sir Galahad," shouts King Arthur. "You are my only trustworthy knight! Name whatever you desire. If it"s in my power to grant it, its yours!"
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless!
A saint.
Two evil brothers were rich, and used their money to conceal their Evil ways. They attended church and looked like perfect Christians to most people. But, when their pastor retired the new man could see right through their deception. The pastor was a good man and only ever spoke the true. He was so popular that a fundraising campaign was started to build a new church.
Suddenly, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother asked the pastor to conduct the funeral. He handed him a cheque for the amount needed to build the new church. "I have only one condition," says the bother. "At the funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the cheque.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor didn"t hold back. "He was an evil man. He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for some time, he concluded with, "But compared to his brother, he was a saint."
European guide books.
Did you hear about the bloke that is reviewing all the brothels in Europe?
He"s going to call the book he"s writing "The m.u.f.f Guide to Europe"
Be nice to little old ladies ...
LAWYER: What"s your age?
OLD LADY: I"m 68.
LAWYER: Tell us, in your own words, what happened to you, on the day in question.
OLD LADY: Well I was, sitting there on a park bench on a warm spring evening, when a young man came creeping up and sat down beside me.
LAWYER: Did you know him?
OLD LADY: No, but he was very friendly.
LAWYER: What happened after he sat down?
OLD LADY: He started to rub my thigh.
LAWYER: Did you stop him?
OLD LADY: No, I didn"t.
LAWYER: Why not?
OLD LADY: Well, It felt good. No one has done that since my husband pa.s.sed away some 10 years ago.
LAWYER: What happened next?
OLD LADY: He began to rub my b.r.e.a.s.t.s.
LAWYER: Did you stop him then?
OLD LADY: No, I didn"t stop him.
LAWYER: Why not?
OLD LADY: Well his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven"t felt that good in years!
LAWYER: What happened next?
OLD LADY: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just lay down and said to him. "Take me young man. Take me!"
LAWYER: Did he take you?
OLD LADY: h.e.l.l, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" ...And that"s when I shot the little punk.