Soup.
A guy walks into a restaurant and orders some soup. It takes a while before the soup to arrive and when it does it"s too hot. While waiting for the soup to cool, the guy needs to go to the bathroom. But before he leaves the table he thinks, "While I"m in the bathroom, somebody might eat the soup. What can I do?" He has this flash of insight, and he pulls out of his pocket a pen and paper. He writes, "I"ve spat into the soup!"
After putting the note next to the soup, our clever guy runs quickly to the bathroom.
But horror, when he returns, he sees an addition in pencil on the note. It reads "Me too."
Spend, Spend, Spend.
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
MAN: "h.e.l.lo."
WOMAN: "Honey, it"s me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I"m at the mall and I"ve found a beautiful leather coat. It"s only 500. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much is it?"
WOMAN: "35,000"
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! One more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market.
They"re only asking 275,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and put in an offer for 260,000."
WOMAN: "OK. See you later! Love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks
MAN: Any idea who this phone belongs to?
Hot s.e.x.
A guy falls asleep on the beach and while he"s asleep the wind gets up and blows sand all over. The only thing that"s exposed to the sun is his big toe.
A randy girl is walking on the beach desperate to get off, when she sees the toe sticking up. She"s so desperate she pulls off her bikini bottoms, squatted over the toe and satisfies her self with it.
The next day the guys notices his foot is itching like h.e.l.l. He goes to the Doctors. After taking a look the doc says, "You"ve go syphilis of the big toe."
"Syphilis of the big toe? Wow that must be rare." Says the guy.
"Sure is." Says the doc "But you"d be amazed with the kind of things I get in here.
Earlier this morning I had a woman with a case of athlete"s crutch."
Bowling.
Apparently there"s some evidence that William Tell and his family enjoyed bowling.
Unfortunately, all bowling records from his day were destroyed in a fire. So no way of knowing for whom the Tells bowled.
Timetables.
A rail commuter is standing on a platform getting increasingly annoyed as he listens to announcements about late and cancelled trains. Seeing a railway worker he marches over to him and says, "You tell me, just what is the point of having a time table if the trains are always late?"
"Well," says the railway worker, "If we didn"t have a timetable, how would you know they are late?"
HRT.
A woman goes to the doctor for a check-up, as she"s worried about the side effect of a male hormone she"s been prescribed.
"Doctor, the testosterone you"ve given me has really helped my complaint. But, I"m worried that the dose is too strong. I"ve started growing hair in places that I"ve never noticed it before."
"A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect," the doctor says rea.s.suringly.
"Just where"s this hair appeared?"
"Well," the woman replies, "It mainly on my b.a.l.l.s."
Growing Pains.
A guy notices that his p.e.n.i.s has started to grow larger and staying erect longer. He"s delighted and so is his wife. But, after several weeks his p.e.n.i.s has grown to nearly twenty inches, so he starts to get concerned. So he goes to see a Doctor with his wife.
After an examination, the Doctor explains, "Don"t worry. Your condition can be fixed by corrective surgery."
"How long will my husband be on crutches?" the wife asks anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" asks the surprised doc.
"Well," says the wife, "you"re planning on lengthening his legs, aren"t you?"
Who am I?
A dirty little boy walks into the kitchen after playing on a muddy field and asks his mother, "Who am I?"
Ready to play the game his mum replies, "I don"t know! Who are you?"
"Oh No!" cries the boy. "Mrs. Jones was right! She said I"m so dirty, even my own mother wouldn"t recognize me."
The dentist.
A woman walks into the dentist"s office, takes off her knickers, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open.
"You must have made a mistake," the shocked dentist says, "The gynaecologist"s office is one floor up."
"There"s no mistake," woman replies, "You installed my husband"s dentures yesterday, so I"m hoping you"ll be able to get them out today."
Mary and Jack.
A guy is told that he has to sack at least one of his employees. So he narrows the decision to two of his team, Jack or Mary. He decides to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision.
Firstly he calls in Jack and explains the situation. Jack says, "I don"t want to lose my job, but I understood your situation."
Next he calls in Mary and says, "Mary, I"ve got a problem. By the end of the day, I"ve got to lay you or Jack off." Mary sharply replies, "Then you"re gonna have to jack off, buster, cause I"ve got a headache!"
Two old guys.