"We don"t hand out saucers no more. We found, if we did, like"s not, some low-brow would drift in an" drink out of the saucer, an" that ain"t good fer trade. This here is a swell dump."
After treading rather heavily on her foot, the man in the street car made humble apology to the woman. She listened in grim silence, and, when he had made an end, spoke very much to the point:
"That"s it! Walk all over a body"s feet, an" then blat about how sorry you be. Well, I jest want you to understand that if I wasn"t a puffick lady, I"d slap your dirty face!"
MARKSMANSHIP
During the Sat.u.r.day night revels in a frontier town, the scrawniest and skinniest beanpole-type citizen got shot in the leg. The only doctor in the town had done celebrating and gone to bed. A posse of citizens pounded on the doctor"s door, until he thrust his head out of a window.
"Whazzamazzer?" he called down.
"Comea-runnin", Doc. Joe Jinks"s been shot."
"Whereabouts shot?"
"In the laig."
"_Some_ shootin"!" And the doctor slammed the window shut.
MARRIAGE
Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.
The mild little husband was appealing to the court for protection from the large, bony belligerent and baleful female who was his wife.
"Let us begin at the beginning," said the judge. "Where did you first meet this woman who has thus abused you?"
The little man shuddered, and looked everywhere except at his wife as he replied:
"I never did, so to say, meet up with her. She jest naturally overtook me."
An African newspaper recently carried the following advertis.e.m.e.nt:
_Wanted_ Small nicely furnished house, nice locality, from August 1st, for nearly married couple.
The solemn ceremony of marriage was being performed for the blushing young bride and the elderly gentleman who had been thrice widowed. There was a sound of loud sobs from the next room. The guests were startled, but a member of the bridegroom"s family explained:
"That"s only our Jane. She always cries when Pa is gettin" married."
The mistress was annoyed by the repeated calls of a certain negro on her colored cook.
"You told me," she protested to the cook, "that you had no man friends.
But this fellow is in the kitchen all the time."
"Dat n.i.g.g.e.r, he hain"t no friend o" mine," the cook declared scornfully.
"Him, he"s jes" my "usban"."
Deacon Gibbs explained why he had at last decided to move into town in spite of the fact that he had always declared himself a lover of life in the country. But his explanation was clear and conclusive.
"My third wife, Mirandy, she don"t like the country, an" what Mirandy she don"t like, I jist nacherly hev to hate."
The wife suggested to her husband that he should pay back to her the dollar he had borrowed the week before.
"But," the husband protested indignantly, "I"ve already paid that dollar back to you twice! You can"t expect me to pay it again!"
"Oh, very well," the wife retorted with a contemptuous sniff, "never mind, since you are as mean as that."
The very youthful son of a henpecked father was in a gloomy mood, rebellious against the conditions of his life. He announced a desperate purpose:
"I"m going to get married. I"m bossed by pa an ma, an" teacher, an" I ain"t going to stan" for it. I"m going to get married right smack off. A married man ain"t bossed by n.o.body "cept his wife."
The woman was six feet tall and broad and brawny in proportion. The man was a short five feet, anemic and wobegone. The woman haled him before the justice of the peace with a demand that he marry her or go to jail.
"Did you promise to marry this lady?" the justice asked.
"Guilty, your honor," was the answer.
The justice turned to the woman: "Are you determined to marry this man?"
"I am!" she snapped.
"Join hands," the justice commended. When they had done so he raised his own right hand impressively and spoke solemnly:
"I p.r.o.nounce you twain woman and husband."