"My leg!"
PESSIMISM
The energetic New England woman addressed her hired girl in a discouraged tone:
"Here it is Monday morning and to-morrow will be Tuesday, and the next day Wednesday--the whole week half gone, and nothing done yit!"
The old man shook his head dolefully in response to an inquiry concerning his health.
"It isn"t what it ought to be," he declared. "I find my strength is failing. It used to be I could walk around the block every morning. But now lately, somehow, when I"m only half way round, I feel so tired I have to turn and come back."
The visitor remarked affably to the man of the house:
"Your family is wonderfully talented. One son plays the cornet, two daughters play the piano and the guitar, and your wife plays the banjo, and the other children play ukuleles. As the father of such musical geniuses, you must be something yourself, aren"t you?"
"Yes," was the answer, "I am a pessimist."
PHILANTHROPY
"I hear that Mrs. Brewster hasn"t paid her servants any wages for a number of months," remarked one lady to another in a suburban town.
"Why does she keep such a number of them then?" was the pertinent inquiry.
"Oh, Mrs. Brewster tells everyone she regards it as her solemn duty to employ as many as possible when times are so hard."
PHONETICS
Little Willie questioned his grandmother with an appearance of great seriousness:
"Ain"t Rotterdam the name of a city, Gramma?"
"Don"t say "ain"t", Willie," the old lady corrected. "Yes, Rotterdam is the name of a city. Why?"
"It ain"t swearin" to say it, is it Gramma?"
"Don"t say "ain"t", Willie. No, it isn"t swearing to say Rotterdam.
Why?"
"Cause if sister keeps on eatin" so much candy, she"ll Rotterdam head off."
PHYSIOLOGY
The teacher explained to her young pupils some facts concerning various organs of the body, including the eye as the organ of sight, the ear as the organ of hearing, and the like. Then she asked the pupils to repeat to her what they had learned. There was a short silence, which was broken by a bright little boy, who spoke as follows:
"I see with my eye organ, I hear with my ear organ, I smell with my nose organ, I eat with my mouth organ, and I feel with my hand organ."
PLAIN SPEAKING
The new maid was talkative, and related some of her experiences in service.
"You seem to have had a good many situations," was the lady"s comment as the girl paused. "How many different mistresses have you had, all told?"
"Fifteen, all told," the maid declared promptly; "yes mum, all told eggzactly what I thought of them."
PLAYING POSSUM
"No, suh," the ancient negro a.s.serted, with a melancholy shaking of his bald head, "dar hain"t no trustin" a "possum. Once on a time, suh, I done watched de hole of a "possum all night long. An" at las", suh, de "possum done come out of his hole. An" what yoh t"ink de ole scallywog done did? Well, suh, he done come out, an" when he done come out, he was a polecat!"
PLUMBER
The plumber at many dollars a day could afford a little persiflage with the cook in the kitchen where he was theoretically repairing the sink.
The cook was plain-featured, but any diversion was welcome to speed the hours for which he drew pay. He made a strong impression on the cook, and when he took his departure, she simpered, and said coyly:
"Thursday is my evenin" off, an" we might go to the movies."
The plumber snorted indignantly.
"What!" he demanded. "On me own time?"
POETRY
The evil effects of decadent verse is unintentionally told in the following extract from a Hindu"s letter to the authorities requesting aid in behalf of his invalid father, who leads sickly life, and is going from bad to perhaps, but not too well; for an extract from the pet.i.tion calls on the government "to look after my old faher, who leads sickly life, and is going from bad to verse every day."
POINT OF VIEW
A couple from Boston spent a winter in Augusta, Georgia. During the period of their visit, they became fond of an old colored woman, and even invited her to visit their home at their expense. In due time after their return to Boston, the visitor was entertained. Every courtesy was extended to the old colored woman, and she even had her meals with the host and hostess. One day at dinner, the host remarked, with a certain smug satisfaction in his own democratic hospitality:
"I imagine that, during all the time you were a slave, your master never invited you to eat at his table."
"No, suh, dat he didn"t," replied the old darky. "My master was a genl"man. He never let no n.i.g.g.e.r set at table "long side o" him."
The kindly old lady chanced to be present at the feeding of the lions in the zoo. Presently, she remarked to the keeper:
"Isn"t that a very small piece of meat to give to the lions?"