_Small Bridesmaid_ (_loudly, in middle of ceremony_): "Mummie, are we all getting married?"
_Small Girl:_ "To-day"s my mummy"s wedding-day."
_Smaller Girl_ (_with air of superiority_): "_My_ mummy was married _years_ ago."
"Wot"s a minimum wage, Albert?"
"Wot yer gets for goin" to yer work. If yer wants ter make a bit more yer does a bit o" work for it."
_Office Boy_ (_anxious to go to football match_): "May I have the afternoon off, Sir? My grand----"
_Employer:_ "Oh, yes, I"ve heard that before. Your grandmother died last week."
_Office Boy:_ "Yes, Sir; but--my grandfather"s getting married again this afternoon."
_Minister"s Wife:_ "My husband was asking only this morning why you weren"t in the habit of attending church."
_Latest Inhabitant:_ "Well, you see, it does so cut into one"s Sundays."
"Two mistakes here, waiter--one in your favor, one in mine."
"In _your_ favor, Sir? Where?"
_Mistress:_ "Oh, cook, be sure and put plenty of nuts in the cake."
_Cook:_ "You don"t catch me crackin" no more nuts to-day. I"ve very near broke me jaw already."
_Gushing Lady:_ "Yes, she"s married to a lawyer, and a good honest fellow too."
_Cynic:_ "Bigamist!"
_Mother:_ "Augustus, you naughty boy, you"ve been smoking. Do you feel very bad, dear?"
_Augustus:_ "Thank you--I"m only dying."
_New Butler:_ "At what time, Sir, would you wish to dine as a rule?"
_Profiteer:_ "What time do the best people dine?"
_New Butler:_ "At different times, Sir."
_Profiteer:_ "Very well. Then I, too, will dine at different times."
_Fond Mamma:_ "I sometimes think, Percy, you don"t treat your dear father with quite the proper respect."
_Young Hopeful_; "Well, Ma, I never liked the man."
_Playful Hostess:_ "Couldn"t you manage one more _eclair?_"
_Serious Little Boy:_ "No, fanks, I"ve no more room."
_Playful Hostess:_ "If I picked you up by the heels and shook you, would that help?"
_Serious Little Boy (after deep thought):_ "No, fanks, that would make the s.p.a.ce at the wrong end."
_Vicar"s Wife:_ "What are you children doing in daddy"s study?"
_Ethel:_ "It"s a great secret, Mummy. We"re giving daddy a new bible for his birthday."
_Vicar"s Wife:_ "Oh--and what are you writing in it?"
_Ethel:_ "Well, you see, we thought we"d better copy what daddy"s friends put in the books they give him, so we"re writing, "With the author"s compliments.""
THE OBSTACLE
_George:_ "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if it hadn"t been for something she said."
_Fred:_ "What did she say?"
_George:_ "No!"