_Small Bridesmaid_ (_loudly, in middle of ceremony_): "Mummie, are we all getting married?"

_Small Girl:_ "To-day"s my mummy"s wedding-day."

_Smaller Girl_ (_with air of superiority_): "_My_ mummy was married _years_ ago."

"Wot"s a minimum wage, Albert?"

"Wot yer gets for goin" to yer work. If yer wants ter make a bit more yer does a bit o" work for it."

_Office Boy_ (_anxious to go to football match_): "May I have the afternoon off, Sir? My grand----"

_Employer:_ "Oh, yes, I"ve heard that before. Your grandmother died last week."

_Office Boy:_ "Yes, Sir; but--my grandfather"s getting married again this afternoon."

_Minister"s Wife:_ "My husband was asking only this morning why you weren"t in the habit of attending church."

_Latest Inhabitant:_ "Well, you see, it does so cut into one"s Sundays."

"Two mistakes here, waiter--one in your favor, one in mine."

"In _your_ favor, Sir? Where?"

_Mistress:_ "Oh, cook, be sure and put plenty of nuts in the cake."

_Cook:_ "You don"t catch me crackin" no more nuts to-day. I"ve very near broke me jaw already."

_Gushing Lady:_ "Yes, she"s married to a lawyer, and a good honest fellow too."

_Cynic:_ "Bigamist!"

_Mother:_ "Augustus, you naughty boy, you"ve been smoking. Do you feel very bad, dear?"

_Augustus:_ "Thank you--I"m only dying."

_New Butler:_ "At what time, Sir, would you wish to dine as a rule?"

_Profiteer:_ "What time do the best people dine?"

_New Butler:_ "At different times, Sir."

_Profiteer:_ "Very well. Then I, too, will dine at different times."

_Fond Mamma:_ "I sometimes think, Percy, you don"t treat your dear father with quite the proper respect."

_Young Hopeful_; "Well, Ma, I never liked the man."

_Playful Hostess:_ "Couldn"t you manage one more _eclair?_"

_Serious Little Boy:_ "No, fanks, I"ve no more room."

_Playful Hostess:_ "If I picked you up by the heels and shook you, would that help?"

_Serious Little Boy (after deep thought):_ "No, fanks, that would make the s.p.a.ce at the wrong end."

_Vicar"s Wife:_ "What are you children doing in daddy"s study?"

_Ethel:_ "It"s a great secret, Mummy. We"re giving daddy a new bible for his birthday."

_Vicar"s Wife:_ "Oh--and what are you writing in it?"

_Ethel:_ "Well, you see, we thought we"d better copy what daddy"s friends put in the books they give him, so we"re writing, "With the author"s compliments.""

THE OBSTACLE

_George:_ "I proposed to that girl and would have married her if it hadn"t been for something she said."

_Fred:_ "What did she say?"

_George:_ "No!"

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