_Wife_ (_at upper window_): "Where you bin this hour of the night?"
"I"ve bin at me union, considerin" this "ere strike."
"Well--you can stay down there an" consider this "ere lock-out."
_Motor-Launch Officer_ (_who has rung for full-speed without result_): "What"s the matter?"
_Voice-from below:_ "One of the cylinders is missing, Sir."
_Commander:_ "Well, look sharp and find the bally thing--we want to get on."
_Mother:_ "Did you remember to pray for everybody, dear?"
_Daughter:_ "Well, Mummy, I prayed for you, but Jack prayed for Daddy.
He"s looking after him just now."
JUSTIFICATION
_Wife:_ "_Two_ bottles of ginger ale, dear?"
_He:_ "Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is the anniversary of our wedding-day?"
_First Flapper:_ "The cheek of that conductor! He glared at me as if I hadn"t paid any fare."
_Second Flapper:_ "And what did you do?"
_First Flapper:_ "I just glared back at him--as if I had!"
_Mollie_ (_who has been naughty and condemned to "no toast"_): "Oh, Mummy! Anything but that! I"d rather have a hard smack--_anywhere you like_."
_Lady_ (_to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet dog_): "And if you find you can"t cure him, Doctor, will you please put him out of pain?--and of course you must charge me just as for an ordinary patient."
_Governess:_ "Well, Mollie, what are little girls made of?"
_Mollie:_ "Sugar and spice and all that"s nice."
_Governess:_ "And what are little boys made of?"
_Mollie:_ "Snips and snails and puppy dogs" tails. I told Bobbie that yesterday, and he could _hardly_ believe it."
"I say, dear old bean, will you lend me your motor-bike?"
"Of course. Why ask?"
"Well, I couldn"t find the beastly thing."
_Irate Parent:_ "While you stood at the gate bidding my daughter good-night, did it ever dawn upon you--"
_The Suitor:_ "Certainly not, sir! I never stayed as late as that."
_Wife:_ "My dear, we"ve simply got to change our family doctor. He"s so absent-minded. Why, this afternoon he was examining me with his stethoscope, and while he was listening he called out suddenly, "Halloa!
Who is it speaking?""
_Mrs. Goodheart:_ "I am soliciting for the poor. What do you do with your cast-off clothing?"
_Mr. Hardup:_ "I hang them up carefully and go to bed. Then I put them on again in the morning."
"What"s the matter, little boy?" said the kindhearted man. "Are you lost?"
"No," was the manful answer; "I ain"t lost; I"m here. But I"d like to know where father and mother have wandered to."
_Helen"s elder sister:_ "You know, all the stars are worlds like ours."
_Helen:_ "Well, I shouldn"t like to live on one--it would be so horrid when it twinkled."
"Can I "ave the arternoon off to see a bloke abaht a job fer my missis?"
"You"ll be back in the morning, I suppose?"
"Yus--if she don"t get it."