NO DOUBT
"Lend me ten, Tom."
"I think not."
"You won"t?"
"I won"t."
"You"ve no doubt of my character, have you?"
"I haven"t."
"Well, why won"t you, then?"
"Because I have no doubt of your character."
_Officer_ (_drilling recruits_): Hey, you, in case of fire, what do you do?
_Recruit:_ I yell.
_Officer:_ Yell what?
_Recruit:_ Why, what do you suppose? Cease firing.
_Doctor_ (_at door, to butler_): Tell your master the doctor is here.
_Butler:_ The master is in great pain, sir. He is receiving n.o.body.
_Young Woman_ (_holding out hand_): Will you please tell me how to p.r.o.nounce the name of the stone in this ring? Is it turkoise or turkwoise?
_Jeweler_ (_after inspecting it_): The correct p.r.o.nunciation is "gla.s.s."
Once, in a rush season, an office boy was kept working overtime for several nights. He didn"t like it, and growled to his boss: "You"ve kept me workin" every night till 9 o"clock for three nights runnin" now, and I"m worn out, Mr. Brown. I ain"t no machine. I can"t go forever." His boss gave a hard laugh. "Wrong!" he said. "Wrong, my boy. You go forever next pay day."
The bellboy of the Welcome Hotel has invented an ingenious system of calling sleepy guests. The other night a man left instructions that he wished to be called early. Next morning he was disturbed by a loud tattoo upon the door. "Well?" he demanded sharply. "I"ve got a message for you, sir." Yawning until he strained his face, the guest jumped out of bed and unlocked the door. The bellboy handed him an envelope and then went away quickly. The guest opened the envelope, and took out a slip of paper bearing the words: "It"s time to get up."
A negro was brought before a justice of the peace. He was suspected of stealing. There were no witnesses, but appearances were against him. The following dialogue took place:
"You"ve stolen no chickens?"
"No, sah."
"Have you stolen any geese?"
"No, sah."
"Any turkeys?"
"No, sah."
The man was discharged. As he stepped out of the dock he stopped before the justice and said with a broad grin, "Fo" de Lawd, squire, if you"d said ducks you"d "a" had me."
A little boy, the youngest member of a large family, was taken to see his married sister"s new baby. He seemed more interested in the contents of the baby"s basket than in the baby, and after examining the pretty trifles, picked up a powder-puff. Much surprised at his discovery, and looking rather shocked, he said, "Isn"t she rather young for that sort of thing?"
THE ALLEGED HUMORISTS
"I can read my husband like a book."
"Then be careful to stick to your own library, my dear."
"I took that pretty girl from the store home the other night, and stole a kiss."
"What did she say?"
"Will that be all?"
NO KICK COMING
_Merchant:_ Look here, that safe you sold me last month you said was a burglar-proof safe, and I found it cracked this morning and rifled of its contents.
_Agent:_ Well, isn"t that proof that you"ve had a burglar?
NO NONSENSE ABOUT IT
The new vicar was paying a visit amongst the patients in the local hospital. When he entered Ward No. 2, he came across a pale-looking man lying in a cot, heavily swathed in bandages. There he stopped, and after administering a few words of comfort to the unfortunate sufferer, he remarked in cheering tones: