"Why, he said I was one of the best men his firm had ever turned out."
TALKING SENSE
"Darling," he asked, as he drew his fiancee closer to him, "am I the first man you have ever kissed?"
"William," replied the American girl, somewhat testily, "before we go any further I would like to ask you a few questions. You are, no doubt, fully aware that my father is a millionaire something like ten times over, aren"t you?"
"Y-yes."
"You understand, no doubt, that when he dies all of his vast fortune will be left to me?"
"Y-yes."
"You know that I have a quarter of a million dollars in cash in my name at the bank?"
"Y-yes."
"And own two and a half million dollars" worth of property?"
"Y-yes."
"That my diamonds are insured to the value of a quarter of a million dollars?"
"Y-yes."
"My horses and motor-cars are worth seventy-five thousand dollars?"
"Y-yes."
"Then, for goodness" sake, talk sense! What difference would it make to you if I had been kissed by a thousand men before I met you?"
A MAGIC HEALER
During an exciting game of football a player had two fingers of his right hand badly smashed, and on his way home from the ground he dropped into the doctor"s to have them attended to.
"Doctor," he asked, anxiously. "When this hand of mine heals, will I be able to play the piano?"
"Certainly you will," the doctor a.s.sured him.
"Then you"re a wonder, doctor. I never could before."
SHE TOOK THEM
"I don"t know whether I like these photos or not," said the young woman.
"They seem rather indistinct."
"But, you must remember, madam," said the wily photographer, "that your face is not at all plain."
BUT HE"S ON HIS WAY
Uncle Tom arrived at the station with the goat he was to ship north, but the freight agent was having difficulty in billing him.
"What"s this goat"s destination, Uncle?" he asked.
"Suh?"
"I say, what"s his destination? Where"s he going?"
Uncle Tom searched carefully for the tag. A bit of frayed cord was all that remained.
"Dat ornery goat!" he exploded wrathfully. "Yo" know, suh, dat iggorant goat done completely et up his destination."
HER MATCH
_Tommy:_ "What"s an echo, pa?"
_Pa:_ "An echo, my son, is the only thing that can deprive a woman of the last word."
"Why is it you never get to the office on time in the morning?" demanded the boss angrily.
"It"s like this, boss," explained the tardy one; "you kept telling me not to watch the clock during office hours, and I got so I didn"t watch it at home either."
SCIENTIFIC PROOF
One day a teacher was having a first-grade cla.s.s in physiology. She asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all of the time. One little girl spoke up and said:
"Yes"m; when it is a cold day, I can see the smoke."
_Bolshie Tubthumper:_ Yaas, there didn"t ought to be no poor. We all ought to be wealthy, and the wealthy starvin" like us!