The playwright rushed up to the critic at the club.
"I"ve had a terrible misfortune," he announced. "My little three-year-old boy got at my new play, and tore it all to pieces."
"Extraordinary that a child so young should be able to read," said the critic.
PREMATURENESS
Ikey saw his friend Jakey in the smoking-car when he entered, and sat down in the same seat.
"How was that fire in your place last week, Jakey?" he inquired.
Jakey started nervously.
"Sh!" he whispered. "It vas next week."
PREPAREDNESS
The small boy was directed to soak his feet in salt water to toughen them. He considered the matter thoughtfully, and then remarked to himself:
"It"s pretty near time for me to ket a lickin", I guess I"d better sit in it."
The two scrub women met and chattered to this effect:
Mrs. Riley--Och, Missus O"Rafferty, I hear yez be worrukin" noight an"
day.
Mrs. O"Rafferty--Yis, Oi"m under bonds to kape the pace for pullin" the hair o" that blaggard Missus Murphy; an" the Judge tould me as if Oi touched her again he"d foine me tin dollars.
Mrs. Riley--An" yez is worrukin" so hard so"s to kape outen mischief.
Mrs. O"Rafferty (hissing viciously between her teeth)--No! Oi"m savin"
oop the foine.
The father entered the room where Clara, his daughter, was entertaining her young man.
"What is it, popper?" the young lady inquired.
Her father held out the umbrella which he carried.
"This is for John," he explained. "It looks as if it might rain before morning."
PRIDE
The little boy was greatly elated when informed by his mother that the liveliness of her hair as she combed it was caused by electricity.
"Oh, my!" he exclaimed. "Ain"t we a wonderful family! Mama has electricity on her head, and grandma has gas on her stomach."
Pride often has no better basis in fact than the self-congratulation of little Raymond in the following story:
Raymond came home from a session of the Sunday School fairly swollen with importance. He explained the cause to his mother.
"The superintendent said something awful nice about me this morning in his prayer."
"And what did he say, dear?" the mother inquired, concealing her astonishment.
The boy quoted glibly and sincerely.
"He said, "O Lord, we thank thee for our food and Raymond.""
PRECOCIOUSNESS
A stranger rang the door-bell. Little eight-year-old Willie Jones opened the door.
"Is Mr. Jones in?" the caller inquired.
Little Willie answered with formal politeness:
"I"m Mr. Jones. Or did you wish to see old Mr. Jones?"
PRISON REFORM
The society matron explained the necessity for immediate reform in conditions at the State Penitentiary:
"Nowadays, there are such a number of our very best people who are being indicted and tried and convicted and sent to serve their sentences in the prison that we really must make their surroundings there more pleasant and elegant."
PRIVILEGE
The tenderfoot in the mining town was watching a poker game for heavy stakes, when he saw the dealer give himself four aces from the bottom of the deck. He whispered the fact in shocked surprise to a citizen beside him. The latter looked astonished.
"What of it?" he drawled. "Wasn"t it his deal?"
PROCRASTINATION
The Southern darky is usually willing enough, but painfully dilatory in accomplishment. The foreman of a quarry called to Zeb, the general utility man, and directed him to go across the road to the blacksmith shop and bring back a drill which had been left there for sharpening.
Zeb shuffled out of sight, and after a lapse of half an hour, shuffled back lazily into view. The indignant foreman called to him sharply: