TOO GOOD
"Well, Alice," said a Southern woman to a coloured girl formerly in her employ, "I hear that you have married."
"Ya.s.sum, Ah done got me a husband now."
"Is he a good provider, Alice?"
"Ya.s.sum. He"s powerful good provider, but Ah"s powerful skeered he"s gwine git catched at it."
AN ERROR IN JUDGMENT
_Mother:_ "What! Have you been fighting again, Johnnie? Good little boys don"t fight."
_Johnnie:_ "Yes, I know that. I thought he was a good little boy, but after I hit him once, I found he wasn"t."
TEACHING THE YOUNG IDEA
Little Willie looked up from the paper he had been reading, and inquired of his father:
"Dad, who was Mozart?"
"Good gracious, boy! You don"t know that!" indignantly returned his parent. "Go and read your Shakespeare."
HE TAKES YOUR TIME
"The chief objection we have to the man who "knows it all,"" remarked the Observer of Events and Things, "is that he insists that everyone he knows shall know it all, too."
THE FLOOR HELD
"Did your watch stop when it dropped on the floor?" asked one man of his friend.
"Sure," was the answer. "Did you think it would go through?"
HIS DIFFICULTY
_Real Estate Agent:_ "This tobacco plantation is a bargain. I don"t see why you hesitate. What are you worrying about?"
_Prospective, but Inexperienced, Purchaser:_ "I was just wondering whether I should plant cigars or cigarettes."
THE REAL JOB
"What"s this new conference they"re going to have in America?"
"Oh, they"re going to make peace among the Allies."
OFF LIKE A SHOT
It was a case of attempted murder, in which the prisoner was accused of having fired twice at his intended victim. One of the witnesses for the prosecution was being severely cross-examined by the defending counsel.
"You say that you heard both shots fired?" he asked sternly.
"Yes, sir."
"How near were you to the scene of the affair?"
"At the time the first shot was fired I was about twenty feet from the prisoner."
"Twenty feet. Humph! Now tell the court how far you were off when you heard the second shot."
"Well, sir," replied the witness slowly, "I didn"t exactly measure the distance; but, speaking approximately, I should say about half a mile."
ANSWERED
_She:_ "And what would you be now if it weren"t for my money?"
_He:_ "A bachelor."
TO BE SURE
_Lily:_ "Harold proposed to me last night while turning the music for me at the piano."
_Edith:_ "Ah, I see, dear; you played right into his hands!"
A CLOSE CALL
Pat was a simple country yokel who had never strayed from the outskirts of his native village, and because he stood in a railway station for the first time of his life, his amazement was great.