HOW HE DID IT
_First Theatrical Manager:_ "Do you have any trouble with the girl who is playing the flapper in your new show?"
_Second Theatrical Manager:_ "No; if she attempts to be skittish I just threaten to publish the photographs of her two sons who are lieutenants in the army."
REALITY
A man, who is the father of a year-old youngster, met his pastor on Sunday afternoon.
"Why weren"t you at church this morning?" was the first question of the spiritual adviser.
"I couldn"t come," was the answer. "I had to stop at home and mind the baby; our nurse is ill."
"That"s no excuse," said the pastor.
"It isn"t? Well, next Sunday I"ll bring him to church with me and see how you like it."
PURE CARELESSNESS
It was visiting day at the prison and the uplifters were on deck.
"My good man," said one kindly lady, "I hope that since you have come here you have had time for meditation and have decided to correct your faults."
"I have that, mum," replied the prisoner in heartfelt tones. "Believe me, the next job I pull, this baby wears gloves."
A LEVEL-HEADED CAR
_Irate Motorist:_ "Say, this darned car won"t climb a hill! You said it was a fine machine!"
_Dealer:_ "I said: "On the level it"s a good car.""
SUSPICIOUS
It was while on manoeuvres in rural England, and a soldier was being tried for the shooting of a chicken on prohibited ground.
"Look here, my man," said the commanding officer to the farmer who brought the accusation, "are you quite certain that this is the man who shot your bird? Will you swear to him?"
"No, I won"t do that," replied the farmer, "but I will say he"s the man I suspect o" doing it."
"That"s not enough to convict a man," retorted the C. O., considerably nettled. "What raised your suspicions?"
"Well," replied the st.u.r.dy yeoman, "it was this way--I see "im on my property with a gun; then I heerd the gun go off; then I see "im putting the chicken in his knapsack; and it didn"t seem sense nohow to think the bird committed suicide."
A WONDER!
"That fellow Jones is a hard-headed cuss," remarked Brown.
"That so?" asked Smith.
"Yes," replied Brown. "Why, he could read a patent medicine almanac and not have a solitary symptom of some disease."
IN A FIX
_Mrs. Muggins:_ "It"s raining, and Mrs. Goodsoul wants to go home, and I have no umbrella to lend her except my new guinea one. Can"t I let her have yours?"
_Mr. Muggins:_ "Hardly! The only umbrella I have got has her husband"s name on the handle."
SUCKED!
It was a very wet night, so Bill and his sweetheart decided to visit the picture palace.
On the way she evidently was annoyed with her lover, for she turned to him, and said, angrily, "Aw wish tha would gie up sucking thi teeth; it"s so rude when people are about!"
"Don"t thee talk so silly," he replied in aggrieved tones. "It"s my rubber "eel pads that"s causing that noise!"
HALF AND HALF
Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels and packages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar.
Helplessly looking on, stood the conductor, a diminutive little chap.
Mrs. Murphy, having reached the platform, said, with a glance of withering scorn: "If ye was half a man ye would have helped me up."
The little conductor calmly replied: "Shure, ma"am, if ye was half a woman I would!"
REVENGE IS SWEET
"Yes," proudly announced the ex-captain, who is manager of a new seaside hotel, "all our employees are former Service men, every one of them. The reception clerk is an old infantry man, the waiters have all been non-coms., the chef was a mess-sergeant, the house doctor was a base hospital surgeon, the house-detective was an intelligence man; even the pages were cadets."
"And have you any former military police?" he was asked.