"Because I respected the rabbi, I respect both of you, and your feelings mean a lot to me."
"It sounds to me like you"re looking for absolution," Hannah said. "In our religion, absolution comes only from G.o.d, and from doing the right thing. I believe my husband would have told you the same thing had he been here."
"I suppose so," Joshua said wearily, realizing this was as far as he was going to get. He rose to his feet. "I"m sorry I bothered you so late at night."
"No bother, it was good to see you," Hannah said, also rising.
Rachel remained seated, lost in some place he couldn"t get to.
"Well, thank you both for seeing me."
"You are welcome always," Hannah said, as she escorted him to the door.
Rachel remained in the living room.
He stepped into the hall. "Thank you again, and good-night."
"Good-night, Joshua, and may G.o.d help you find the answers you seek."
It was two o"clock in the morning. Loretta was asleep in her bedroom, and Joshua, unable to sleep, was up watching late night TV in the living room, trying to rest his mind. The doorbell rang, followed by a loud knock. He knew who it was.
He responded quickly, hoping Loretta hadn"t been awakened. He barely had the door halfway open, when it came crashing into him. Then, a slap, hard and mighty, threw him off balance, as he heard the words: "How dare you!"
She walked past him, straight into the living room. At this point, he was certain his mother was awake, and equally certain she would remain in her room, pretending not to be. He used his hand to sooth the sting on his face, and looked at Rachel. He wasn"t angry with her; he knew he had no right to be.
"How could you do that to me?" she exclaimed.
"I was wrong, I shouldn"t have..."
"Shouldn"t have! Whatever were you thinking?"
"That"s just it, I wasn"t thinking."
She looked at him, seething.
"How did you get here this time of night?" he asked.
"I walked, rather ran."
"But the streets..."
"The streets are perfectly safe, safer than ever. Since Rabbi Turner"s murder, they"ve formed community patrols. They"re all over the place."
"Who"s they?"
"Who do you think?"
"The Lubavitchers?"
"That"s right. No more relying on the police. It was never a good idea for a Jew to depend on the Czar"s protection in the first place. It just took us a while to figure that out here."
"Oh boy!"
"Oh boy what?"
"It"s going to cause trouble. Hasidic community patrols in a seventy percent black neighborhood isn"t going to go over very well."
She considered his point.
He looked at her. "I"m sorry I came to your home. It was probably the most idiotic thing I"ve ever done."
"Probably!"
"There"s no excuse."
"But I"ll just bet there"s an explanation."
"Well," he said hesitantly, "there is, if you want to hear it."
"I"m dying to." Sarcasm.
"I needed to run this by you tonight; they want an answer tomorrow morning."
"And I suppose it has something to do with me?"
"It has everything to do with you; with us."
"Us," she repeated, "I don"t even know what that means after tonight."
"That"s good because I didn"t know what it meant before tonight."
"So that"s what this whole thing is about, isn"t it? You had an opportunity to test the waters, to see just how far you could come into my life, and you decided, what the h.e.l.l, why not? I can"t stand her silly little rules anyway!"
He realized she was right: he had been motivated by more than simply getting her approval for the Larry Pilgrim case. He had used the case for another agenda, and why not; why not go to her home, have her mother see them together, and bring the whole d.a.m.n thing out into the open at last?
"That"s it, isn"t it?" she continued.
"I did want to know how you felt about me taking this case."
"I"m sure you did, and I"m sure you"re clever enough to have found a way to get in touch with me without involving my mother. But you wanted to involve my mother, didn"t you?"
"I suppose," he confessed, "it"s possible I got carried away with things..."
"Carried away! That"s an understatement."
"Look Rachel, I"m sorry if I hurt you; that"s the last thing I"d ever want to do, believe it or not. And maybe you"re right, maybe I am tired of all your restrictions, but one thing I"m not, is ashamed. I am not now, nor will I ever be, ashamed of having gone to your home. If you can"t understand and accept that, then there really is no us."
She was taken aback. Her expression changed. "I"m sorry," she said softly.
"It"s okay." He was visibly shaken.
"It isn"t. I haven"t been fair with you; I haven"t been fair with us."
"It"s not about being fair, it"s about surviving."
"Thank you for trying to get me off the hook, Joshua, but I can take responsibility for this. I"m a grown up."
"And what about the Larry Pilgrim thing?"
"You"re a grown up too. You don"t need my permission."
"You"re absolutely right. I don"t need your permission, but I do need to know your feelings."
"I think you should take the case."
"Huh?"
"You heard me. You should take it."
"But why?"
"Why?" She thought for a moment. "Well, for starters, I believe it"s what you really want, and that I"m the only thing standing in the way. I don"t want you to sacrifice for me, or to deprive yourself any more than you already have." She reached over, placed her hand on his cheek. "You see, I know what it is to sacrifice, to give up the things you truly want in life. We"ve both had enough of that, and it has to stop sometime." She moved closer, touched up against him, stood on her toes, and kissed him gently on the cheek. "I want you to take the case."
"I don"t think it"s a good idea," he said.
"You don"t think what"s a good idea?"
"Taking the case."
She was puzzled. "Joshua, I don"t underst..."
"Listen, this may sound crazy, and it probably is, but I can"t take the Pilgrim case. Maybe I knew it all along, or maybe I just figured it out. Either way, it"s a bad idea."
"But why?"
"Because it would destroy us."
She shook her head in defiance.
"It would, regardless of what you think now. I know you want to believe that we"re invincible, and it"s true, we have survived some pretty nasty things together. This would break us."
"It wouldn"t! Nothing can!"
"It can and it would! Listen, this Pilgrim thing is bad, a lot worse than you can imagine. It"s not going to be about that rabbi and this black guy. It"s going to be about race, about tensions and hatreds that have been festering for years, just waiting for a moment like this. It"s going to blow up in our faces, and whether I take the case or not, it"s going to drive a wedge between us."
"But this isn"t about race, Joshua, it"s about murder. No one condones murder, black or white."
"Rachel, everything is about race."
He was surprised he"d actually said that, but once he had, he realized it was what he truly believed.
He searched her face, wondering if she could see the yearning in his eyes. He reached over and stroked her cheek. She moved closer and embraced him. It felt more intimate than anything they"d shared before, yet still not quite what he had dreamed of.
CHAPTER 48.
Hannah Weissman, still half asleep, stumbled into her kitchen for her morning coffee and found Rachel sitting at the table, engrossed in the newspaper. "Good morning," Rachel said, her eyes on the paper.
"Good morning," Hannah answered. "You"re up early today."
Rachel glanced at the clock on the wall and saw it was seven-fifteen. She had thought it was much later. "You"re right, I didn"t realize."
"Couldn"t sleep?"
"No, I slept fine."
"That"s funny, I thought I heard you sneaking around in the middle of the night, thought I even heard you go out."
Rachel looked aghast at her mother, and found herself tongue-tied.
"You went to see him, didn"t you?"
"See who?" Rachel asked defensively.
Hannah sat down at the table, looked Rachel in the eye, and said, "Joshua," as she took her first sip of coffee.
Rachel, stupefied, stared at her mother for a beat, then said, "How did you know?"
"I"ve known for a long time that there had to be someone; rather, I"ve suspected. You don"t go out on shiddoch dates, you often come home late at night, it doesn"t take a genius. So when Joshua showed up here last night; well, I put two and two together and came up with, whatever."
Rachel wondered how she could possibly have this conversation with her mother. "It"s not what you think," she said.
"Oh," Hannah reacted. "And what exactly is it that I"m thinking?"
"We"re friends, good friends. That"s it."
"Friends, that"s interesting. So why such a big secret?"
"Because..." Rachel stopped herself and thought about what she was going to say. "No one would understand, that"s why."
"Understand? I think I understand plenty."
"You"re not making this easy."