He turned upon her with an anguish that was well-nigh fierce.
"But you are my wife! Yes, you are. You know it. I have always regretted that feint of ours in going away and pretending to come back legally married, to save appearances. I loved you, and you loved me; and we closed with each other; and that made the marriage. We still love-you as well as I-know it, Sue! Therefore our marriage is not cancelled."
"Yes; I know how you see it," she answered with despairing self-suppression. "But I am going to marry him again, as it would be called by you. Strictly speaking you, too-don"t mind my saying it, Jude!-you should take back-Arabella."
"I should? Good G.o.d-what next! But how if you and I had married legally, as we were on the point of doing?"
"I should have felt just the same-that ours was not a marriage. And I would go back to Richard without repeating the sacrament, if he asked me. But "the world and its ways have a certain worth" (I suppose): therefore I concede a repet.i.tion of the ceremony... Don"t crush all the life out of me by satire and argument, I implore you! I was strongest once, I know, and perhaps I treated you cruelly. But Jude, return good for evil! I am the weaker now. Don"t retaliate upon me, but be kind. Oh be kind to me-a poor wicked woman who is trying to mend!"
He shook his head hopelessly, his eyes wet. The blow of her bereavement seemed to have destroyed her reasoning faculty. The once keen vision was dimmed. "All wrong, all wrong!" he said huskily. "Error-perversity! It drives me out of my senses. Do you care for him? Do you love him? You know you don"t! It will be a fanatic prost.i.tution-G.o.d forgive me, yes-that"s what it will be!"
"I don"t love him-I must, must, own it, in deepest remorse! But I shall try to learn to love him by obeying him."
Jude argued, urged, implored; but her conviction was proof against all. It seemed to be the one thing on earth on which she was firm, and that her firmness in this had left her tottering in every other impulse and wish she possessed.
"I have been considerate enough to let you know the whole truth, and to tell it you myself," she said in cut tones; "that you might not consider yourself slighted by hearing of it at second hand. I have even owned the extreme fact that I do not love him. I did not think you would be so rough with me for doing so! I was going to ask you..."
"To give you away?"
"No. To send-my boxes to me-if you would. But I suppose you won"t."
"Why, of course I will. What-isn"t he coming to fetch you-to marry you from here? He won"t condescend to do that?"
"No-I won"t let him. I go to him voluntarily, just as I went away from him. We are to be married at his little church at Marygreen."
She was so sadly sweet in what he called her wrong-headedness that Jude could not help being moved to tears more than once for pity of her. "I never knew such a woman for doing impulsive penances, as you, Sue! No sooner does one expect you to go straight on, as the one rational proceeding, than you double round the corner!"
"Ah, well; let that go! ... Jude, I must say good-bye! But I wanted you to go to the cemetery with me. Let our farewell be there-beside the graves of those who died to bring home to me the error of my views."
They turned in the direction of the place, and the gate was opened to them on application. Sue had been there often, and she knew the way to the spot in the dark. They reached it, and stood still.
"It is here-I should like to part," said she.
"So be it!"
"Don"t think me hard because I have acted on conviction. Your generous devotion to me is unparalleled, Jude! Your worldly failure, if you have failed, is to your credit rather than to your blame. Remember that the best and greatest among mankind are those who do themselves no worldly good. Every successful man is more or less a selfish man. The devoted fail... "Charity seeketh not her own.""
"In that chapter we are at one, ever beloved darling, and on it we"ll part friends. Its verses will stand fast when all the rest that you call religion has pa.s.sed away!"
"Well-don"t discuss it. Good-bye, Jude; my fellow-sinner, and kindest friend!"
"Good-bye, my mistaken wife. Good-bye!"
V
The next afternoon the familiar Christminster fog still hung over all things. Sue"s slim shape was only just discernible going towards the station.
Jude had no heart to go to his work that day. Neither could he go anywhere in the direction by which she would be likely to pa.s.s. He went in an opposite one, to a dreary, strange, flat scene, where boughs dripped, and coughs and consumption lurked, and where he had never been before.
"Sue"s gone from me-gone!" he murmured miserably.
She in the meantime had left by the train, and reached Alfredston Road, where she entered the steam-tram and was conveyed into the town. It had been her request to Phillotson that he should not meet her. She wished, she said, to come to him voluntarily, to his very house and hearthstone.
It was Friday evening, which had been chosen because the schoolmaster was disengaged at four o"clock that day till the Monday morning following. The little car she hired at the Bear to drive her to Marygreen set her down at the end of the lane, half a mile from the village, by her desire, and preceded her to the schoolhouse with such portion of her luggage as she had brought. On its return she encountered it, and asked the driver if he had found the master"s house open. The man informed her that he had, and that her things had been taken in by the schoolmaster himself.
She could now enter Marygreen without exciting much observation. She crossed by the well and under the trees to the pretty new school on the other side, and lifted the latch of the dwelling without knocking. Phillotson stood in the middle of the room, awaiting her, as requested.
"I"ve come, Richard," said she, looking pale and shaken, and sinking into a chair. "I cannot believe-you forgive your-wife!"
"Everything, darling Susanna," said Phillotson.
She started at the endearment, though it had been spoken advisedly without fervour. Then she nerved herself again.
"My children-are dead-and it is right that they should be! I am glad-almost. They were sin-begotten. They were sacrificed to teach me how to live! Their death was the first stage of my purification. That"s why they have not died in vain! ... You will take me back?"
He was so stirred by her pitiful words and tone that he did more than he had meant to do. He bent and kissed her cheek.
Sue imperceptibly shrank away, her flesh quivering under the touch of his lips.
Phillotson"s heart sank, for desire was renascent in him. "You still have an aversion to me!"
"Oh no, dear-I have been driving through the damp, and I was chilly!" she said, with a hurried smile of apprehension. "When are we going to have the marriage? Soon?"
"To-morrow morning, early, I thought-if you really wish. I am sending round to the vicar to let him know you are come. I have told him all, and he highly approves-he says it will bring our lives to a triumphant and satisfactory issue. But-are you sure of yourself? It is not too late to refuse now if-you think you can"t bring yourself to it, you know?"
"Yes, yes, I can! I want it done quick. Tell him, tell him at once! My strength is tried by the undertaking-I can"t wait long!"
"Have something to eat and drink then, and go over to your room at Mrs. Edlin"s. I"ll tell the vicar half-past eight to-morrow, before anybody is about-if that"s not too soon for you? My friend Gillingham is here to help us in the ceremony. He"s been good enough to come all the way from Shaston at great inconvenience to himself."
Unlike a woman in ordinary, whose eye is so keen for material things, Sue seemed to see nothing of the room they were in, or any detail of her environment. But on moving across the parlour to put down her m.u.f.f she uttered a little "Oh!" and grew paler than before. Her look was that of the condemned criminal who catches sight of his coffin.
"What?" said Phillotson.
The flap of the bureau chanced to be open, and in placing her m.u.f.f upon it her eye had caught a doc.u.ment which lay there. "Oh-only a-funny surprise!" she said, trying to laugh away her cry as she came back to the table.
"Ah! Yes," said Phillotson. "The licence... It has just come."
Gillingham now joined them from his room above, and Sue nervously made herself agreeable to him by talking on whatever she thought likely to interest him, except herself, though that interested him most of all. She obediently ate some supper, and prepared to leave for her lodging hard by. Phillotson crossed the green with her, bidding her good-night at Mrs. Edlin"s door.
The old woman accompanied Sue to her temporary quarters, and helped her to unpack. Among other things she laid out a night-gown tastefully embroidered.
"Oh-I didn"t know that was put in!" said Sue quickly. "I didn"t mean it to be. Here is a different one." She handed a new and absolutely plain garment, of coa.r.s.e and unbleached calico.
"But this is the prettiest," said Mrs. Edlin. "That one is no better than very sackcloth o" Scripture!"