Jujutsushi Wa Yuusha Ni Narenai

The name’s Yokomichi Hajime. Just a bit of an otaku, but otherwise a perfectly normal high school student.

September the 21st. It’s yet another lifeless Monday. Haah, man, life sucks b.a.l.l.s. Even when I’m dead tired from watching late-night anime in real-time, do I really gotta do this in literally the crack of dawn? Make Mondays in the afternoon. How about you make that a law, d.a.m.n useless politicians. I’m a taxpayer ain’t I? For like, when buying s.h.i.+t.

So while having these deep thoughts about politics and s.h.i.+t, my cool and mannerly face makes it to cla.s.s perfectly on time.

“Fuu—, bufuuu—”

Panting hard. What the f.u.c.k, why’s my cla.s.s gotta be in the frik’kin’ 3rd floor. You wanna cripple me every morning? I’m not payin’ cheap tuition here, get a d.a.m.n escalator. Like c’mon, it’s literally the 21st century.

“Bufuh, look guys, Porky’s wheezin’ a lung out”

“Didn’cha hear him go oink oink just now?”

“Dude, don’t be mean, you KNOW Porky can only make porky noises”

Oy, I can hear you, totem-poles. What’s with these f.u.c.kin’ mob characters. Wanna fight me? I got the absolute Ma.s.s to crush you flat f.a.ggets. Are you literally r.e.t.a.r.ded? This is kung-fu 101.

Ahh, screw this, today’s just a plain, s.h.i.+t day. f.u.c.k you too, d.a.m.n small-fries.

But I’m not one to cause a ruckus. I’m super gentle, and a pacifist too, so I’ll let those f.u.c.kwads off with a little stern look.

Hmph, d.a.m.n right, ya losers. They stopped their r.e.t.a.r.ded yapping after I looked a little. Scared of my bloodl.u.s.t no doubt. I can take down small-fry of their ilk with some simple eye cont—

“—Oi Porky, the f.u.c.k you look’nat”

“BUUH!? I-I’m wasn’t...”

“Ah? Lyin’ to me, b.i.t.c.h? If ya got something to say, say it larda.s.s”

“Hey like, isn’t that enough Higuchi~? Yokomichi’s scared outta his pants”

“But Kyouko, f.a.gs like that gotta be—”

“Dude, we’re like, totally not first-name BFFs”

“What’s the big deal, wai-, ow, stop hitting me, hey”

Ff, f.u.c.k... All these f.u.c.ks... f.u.c.kin’ DQN Higuchi. He got the totem-pole trio as his lackeys and acts all high and mighty. Loser king of the loser monkeys. f.u.c.king b.a.s.t.a.r.d, if I got serious, you’re dead mate. I’ll get you someday. I’ll f.u.c.k you up.

Higuchi Kyouya. In short, a delinquent. A piece of DQN sc.u.m that doesn’t belong in our high performance demanding prep-school, s.h.i.+ramine Private Academy. He’s the type of human trash I hate most.

And I have to add that j.a.panese laws are too soft for letting this sort of b.a.s.t.a.r.d roam freely. DQNs like him should be on put down. It’s because they let these sc.u.m of the earth have rights that we still can’t achieve world piece.

Once I think up a means to a perfect crime, it’s hasta la vista baby.

Have fun with that little s.l.u.t of yours, while you can.

Tch, Randou Kyouko you f.u.c.king s.l.u.t. Don’t go around thinking you saved me you b.i.t.c.h. Any woman hanging around DQN sc.u.m are just as bad.

Just look at her, this Kyouko girl looks like an absolute s.l.u.t every way you look at her. No way she isn’t selling herself. 30,000 for one go I bet.

Her hair’s even dyed blonde. It’s an dirty yellow unlike Reina, who’s a natural. And it don’t suit you either, ugly. She’s all glitzy with a metric ton of make-up on, and looks like those prettied up actresses (hags) you see on TV.

Not to mention, that tan. Like Oi Oi woman. Her skin’s burnt brown like those ganguro gals. She’s like a girl version of those totem-poles, but even her group of cronies don’t have their skin baked like that.

Blond hair and black skin, she’s like a model s.l.u.t if I’ve ever seen one. A dirty woman who’s probably lost her virginity in the 5th grade.

But, I will acknowledge those big t.i.ts and a.s.s. If it’s just the t.i.ts, she’d be #1 in our cla.s.s 2-7 that’s full of all the hot chicks. She’s the biggest— well, if we don’t count that irregular of a pig that is Futaba Meiko, she’s still #1. Trust me on this. Kenzaki Asuna and Takanas.h.i.+ Kotori have big ones, sure, but Kyouko’s are ma.s.sive.

Just do JAVs already. I’ll even fap to it twice for you— oh c.r.a.p, popped a b.o.n.e.r.

“Bufuu—”

Calm down, me, think of flowers and kittens. Can’t let people see this, I got my cool image to keep. I’ll just find my seat while Higuchi and Kyouko are fooling around.

Fuuh, geez louise. At times like this, I need to stop looking at ugly s.l.u.ts and refresh my eyes with some real babes.

“Unbelievable, nii-san, I take my eyes off you for one second, and this happens. Please try to restrain yourself a little.”

“Ahaha, you worry too much Sakura. I’m completely fine see?”

Souma Sakura was chatting at the front of the cla.s.sroom. That girl is undoubtedly the hottest babe in this cla.s.s, no, in all of s.h.i.+ramine Academy, I boldly claim. That face, those proportions, that personality, it’s all 11/10. A perfect girl, as if she was literally hand-crafted by G.o.d.

Although, I myself feel sorry about the plebians who fall for Sakura. Me? I got my eye on this one girl. She’s quite the diamond in the rough.

“Bufuh... Yukiko...”

Head on her desk pretending to sleep, there lay my sweetheart, with her seat conveniently right next to mine, Nagae Yukiko.

Yukiko is a plain, somewhat short, and docile girl, and like me, never tries to stand out in cla.s.s. With those out-of-trend, thick, black-rimmed gla.s.ses, and furthermore, being a member of the literature club, her description only bolsters her plainness attribute.

But I can tell, you see. Those losers who go for Sakura or Reina, or even Asuna or Kotori or Cla.s.s Rep, they’ve all got a case of s.h.i.+t taste. So it’s only me who can tell. Where Yukiko’s real charm lies.

“... They’re, practically twins”

Soft, silky, and short cut black hair, black-rim gla.s.ses. A small, delicate looking body that seems it would break from a simple embrace. Not to mention that superbly ephemeral aura around her... That’s right, from the masterpiece that triggered my long journey into otaku-dom, The Melancholy of Suzuhara Haruka, she’s almost identical to one of the heroines, Nagae Yuki. h.e.l.l, even their names are a syllable away, this has gotta be fate.

I really thought it was destiny. Yuki is my beloved. Despite the numerous otaku media in various formats which I’ve since consumed, she is someone I still claim as mai waifu. What I want to say is that Yukiko is literally the advent of my G.o.ddess who has transcended the wall that is the 2nd dimension to encounter me.

In other words, Nagae Yukiko is my waifu.

This Yukiko is the only suns.h.i.+ne in my boring school life, and I would spend this s.h.i.+tty Monday basked in her once again— but that never happened.

GI, GIGIGI, GI— IIIIIII!!

As that sudden dissonance rang, my peaceful everyday life had come to an end. And what awaited me, was a fantasy world of swords and magic.

That’s right, on this certain day, I, Yokomichi Hajime, a totally normal high schooler, was summoned into a parallel world.

Eh, wait a sec, this is just like—

“Buh, Bufufuh, let’s do it... In this new world, I, will have the Strongest Cheat and will become the HAREM KIINGG!?”

I so shouted in ecstasy as I was thrown from the cla.s.sroom into the jet-black abyss.

“WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!? WH-WHY’S MY JOB A f.u.c.kING WARRIOR, FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!”

Bull-f.u.c.king-s.h.i.+t, what is with this normal as f.u.c.k Job!? What ‘Warrior’, gimme a f.u.c.king break, this is literally the definition of weaka.s.s mob-tier Job! I can’t even expect hidden cheats from a friggin’ Warrior... I REFUSE to use an axe. That weapon that, in like, every game and anime, is super s.h.i.+t-cla.s.s. I will never, NEVER use it!

“Why dammit, Why Warrior of all things... Why mee...”

Where the actual f.u.c.k is G.o.d! Bring me to the white dreamscape where you apologize for sending me to this world by accident, do it now! And because you can’t send me back, load me up with a ton of Cheats, you f.u.c.k!

What’s the big idea making me Warrior! You telling me to die!?

“Cheat! I want my Cheat!? Hand it over! Limit breaking Status values! Unique Skills! Get me a Skill Stealer! Give me the Sage’s Knowledge! Super-tier Magic that only I can use, or let me build Modern Weaponry, anything dammit! Parallel worlds are meant for this s.h.i.+t you LAZY FUUUUUUUUUUUCKS!”

For a while, I screamed out my completely justified anger at the jacka.s.s of a G.o.d, and reluctantly began my dungeon capture in search of a harem.

“—Fuh, Bufuh, Fufu... Ahh, I get it now, so it’s like that”

What I mean is, this is totally a Growth Cheat right? It gotta be right, right?

“Bufuh, what ‘monster’, scared me for a sec. These are all slime-level small-fry”

The first prey I killed was a goblin you’d find in any RPG. They’re apparently called goma or something, but parallel world rules can suck it. I’m calling this thing a goblin.

Anyway, so this f.u.c.k ugly goblin was walking around by itself like a moron, so I took a stone brick I found laying around and bashed his head in from behind. You don’t show mercy to monsters. We’re in a life-or-death situation here. I’ll even shut away my heart if it’s for the sake of survival. (bada.s.s)

Well, the goblin went down with one shot. Then, I got 3 EXP!

Yeah no, there’s no EXP. Still WTF, how come there’s no Status Screen here? How am I supposed to check my growth if there’s no leveling system? I guess it’s that. You can’t see your stats unless you get a card from an Adventurer’s Guild?

Whatever. I just beat this goblin, so I got my hands on the rusty sword it had. It was sorta slimy to hold, and had this awful stink, pretty much the worst grade weapon, but holding a real sword... Kukuh, how should I describe this, like your blood is boiling? Seems like, even though I was a perfectly good, law abiding, citizen and student in my peaceful homeland, I was in fact, a born warrior at heart.

“Buheheh... Ain’t gonna lose now”

A wild Goblin appears!

Is it the last one’s friend? After I got my sword, they kept coming one after the other. But small-fry, they are still.

“With my insane talent, I don’t even need a d.a.m.n Cheat!”

Force Boost: Boosts Strength. Strength of a Warrior.

Toughness: New vitality rushes into the body. Even in battles of attrition, it bolsters courage.

Accel Boost: Reaction speed boost. Speed boost. Dodge the enemy’s attack, and counter.

The Warrior’s novice skills are nothing special and are all common stat boosts. BUT. It’s well within my talents to go from Common Skills to World’s Strongest.

With a single rusty sword, I gloriously curb-stomped like, 10 of those goblins.

Slash: Boosts attack power. A sharp strike cuts the enemy.

And I quickly got a battle art too.

“Buhahah! h.e.l.l yeah I’m strong! I’m h.e.l.la strong... And I’mma get stronger!”

Whether it’s goblins, or skeletons, or zombies, or zombie dogs, I f.u.c.king ended them all. The more I kill, the stronger I get. There’s no Level display, but I know, I know it in my gut. I can feel my Status rising like no tomorrow. I learned a s.h.i.+t load of new skills and battle arts too.

Ahh, this is it, this is that exhilaration you feel when you grow right? It’s f.u.c.king great. I can’t go back to vidya after experiencing this. That stuff is for r.e.t.a.r.ds.

“f.u.c.k YEAH! I’m simply awesome! I’m lucky as f.u.c.k!”

From this rickety box that positively screamed ‘treasure chest’, I got my hands on a real sword. Rusty swords are so trash, who’d even use that junk.

This one didn’t have a smidgen of rust. It’s a brand-spankin’-new blade. And big too. The blade-width is double that of the goblin’s sword, and the length easily surpa.s.sed a meter. Like a b.a.s.t.a.r.d sword? Donno man.

But it’s definitely got a size and weight that normal people wouldn’t be able to handle. That’s right, this isn’t for plebs.

I’m different. If I try picking it up with my epic strength— Look, so easy. It’s just the right weight. Yeah, it was such a pain in the a.s.s cutting away at all those small-fries that came in packs. A big sword to mow ’em down is what real pros do.

“UHoh!? Holy b.a.l.l.s, this is EPIC!”

I literally blew away 3 goblins in one fell swoop. O-f.u.c.king-P. I’m getting too OP here.

I can’t get enough of this euphoria from slaughtering these half-pints. All their blood splas.h.i.+ng everywhere is disgusting, but with the high I get from putting them through a human blender, I don’t give a single f.u.c.k. The buzz is real.

“Bufuuh, getting tired of these weaklings. I need myself a boss fight”

It happened right as my zeal for dungeon capture was at an all time high.

“Somebody, help—”

(Note"s from lion mask)