So that we see him, it matters not whether he sees us or no.
"Spinoza"s great word;--if we love G.o.d, we shall not trouble ourselves about his loving us."
"I yesterday spoke to Joseph Coggeshall, offering to give a reading at the schoolhouse, in order to start a library fund. He appeared pleased with the idea. I proposed to ask .50 for each ticket."
"Chev suggests Europe. "_Je suis content du palazzo Pitti._""
"I cannot study Fichte for more than forty-five minutes at a time.
Reading him is not so bad as translating, which utterly overpowers my brain, although I find it useful in comprehending him."
"I begin to doubt the availability of Fichte"s methods for me. I become each day more dispirited over him. With the purest intention he is much less of an ethicist than Kant. These endless refinements in _rationale_ of the _ego_ confuse rather than enlighten the moral sense. Where the study of metaphysics becomes de-energizing, it becomes demoralizing.
Subtlety used in a certain way unravels confusion, in a certain other way produces it. Kant unwinds the silkworm"s web, but Fichte tangles the skein of silk,--at least so it seems to me.
"Spent most of the afternoon in preparing for a tea party, cutting peaches and preparing bread and b.u.t.ter."
"Read 11th and 12th chapters of Mark in the Valley. At some moments one gets a clearer and nearer perception of the thought and personality of Christ than that which we commonly carry with us."
Early in October came the move "home to Boylston Place, leaving the Valley with great regret, but feeling more the importance of being with the children, as I draw nearer to them."
Our mother had remained after the rest of us, to close the house. In Boston she had the great pleasure of welcoming to this country her nephew, Francis Marion Crawford, then a boy of twelve years. Born and bred in Rome, a beautiful and petted child, he was now to learn to be an American schoolboy. She took him herself to St. Paul"s School in Concord, New Hampshire; and for a year or two he spent most of his holidays with us, to the delight of us all.
In this autumn of 1866 she undertook a new task, of which the first mention in the Journal reads: "I will here put the names of some writers of stories whom I may employ for the magazine."
A list of writers follows: and the next day she writes: "I saw J. R.
Gilmour and agreed with him to do editorial service for thirty dollars per week for three months."
This magazine was the "Northern Lights." The first number appeared in January, 1867. It contained two articles by Mrs. Howe: the "Salutation"
and a thoughtful poem called "The Two R"s" (Rachel and Ristori). Later, we find her in the "Sittings of the Owl Club," making game of the studies she loved.
This owl went to Germany, This owl stayed at home; This owl read Kant and Fichte, This owl read none.
This owl said "To-whit! I can"t understand the dogmatic categorical!"
The "Northern Lights" gleam fitfully in the Journal.
"_October 26._ To write Henry James for story, Charles T. Brooks for sketches of travel. Saw and talked with Gilmour, who confuses my mind."
"_October 29._ Chev went with me to Ristori"s _debut_, which was in Medea."
"_November 3._ All of these days have been busy and interrupted.
Maggi[63] has been reading Ristori"s plays in my parlor every day this week and my presence has been compulsory. I have kept on with Fichte whose "_Sittenlehre_" I have nearly finished. Have copied one or two poems, written various letters in behalf of the magazine, have seen Ristori thrice on the stage and once in private."
[63] Count Alberto Maggi, an Italian _litterateur_.
"_November 10._ Finished copying and correcting my editorial for the first number of my weekly. Finished also Fichte"s "_Sittenlehre_" for whose delightful reading I thank G.o.d, praying never to act quite unworthily of its maxims."
"_November 11._ Called on Mrs. Charles Sumner, and saw both parties, who were very cordial and seemed very happy."
"_November 15._ Crackers, .25, eggs, .43, rosewater for Frank Crawford, .48. Very weary and overdone. The twelve apostles shall judge the twelve tribes in that the Christian doctrine judges the Jews.
"I lead a weary life of hurry and interruption."
"_November 18._ Weary hearts must, I think, be idle hearts, for it is cheery even to be overworked. My studies and experience have combined to show me the difficulty of moral attainment, but both have made me feel that with every average human being there is a certain possible conjunction of conviction, affection, and personality which, being effected, the individual will see the reality of the ethical aspects of life and the necessary following of happiness upon a good will and its strenuous prosecution.
"I began Fichte"s "_Wissenschaftslehre_" two or three days ago.
"Gave a small party to Baron Osten Sacken.... Peaceably if we can, forcibly if we must, makes the difference between the beggar and the thief."
"_November 26._ Very unwell; a good day"s work, nevertheless."
"_November 27._ Better. Last week was too fatiguing for a woman of my age. I cannot remember my forty-seven years, and run about too much. The oratorio should, I fear, be given up."
"_December 8._ I came in from Lexington last night after the reading[64]
in an open buggy with a strange driver, a boy of eighteen, who when we were well under way showed me a pistol,--a revolver, I think,--and said that he never travelled at night without one. As the boy"s very face was unknown to me, the whole adventure seemed bizarre. He brought me home to my own house.... Am writing on "Representation."... Man asks nothing so much as to be helped to self-control."
[64] At the Lexington Lyceum for the Monument Fund.
"_December 9._ Heard J. F. C. as usual. "She hath done what she could"--a good text for me at this moment. Independently of ambition, vanity, pride,--all of which prompt all of us, I feel that I must do what my hand finds to do, taking my dictation and my reward from sources quite above human will and approbation."
"_December 19...._ Vicomte de Chabreuil came. We had a long, and to me splendid, conversation. Were I young this person would occupy my thoughts somewhat. Very intelligent, simple, and perfectly bred, also a _rosso_,--a rare feature in a Frenchman."
"_December 27._ Let me live until to-morrow, and not be ridiculous! I have a dinner party and an evening party to-day and night, and knowing myself to be a fool for my pains, am fain to desire that others may not find it out and reproach me as they discover it.
"Got hold of Fichte a little which rested my weary brain.
"My party proved very pleasant and friendly."
"_December 29...._ I read last night at the Club a poem, "The Rich Man"s Library," which contrasts material and mental wealth, much to the disparagement of the former. I felt as if I ought to read it, having inwardly resolved never again to disregard that inner prompting which leaves us no doubt as to the authority of certain acts which present themselves to us for accomplishment. Having read the poem, however, I felt doubtful whether after all I had done well to read it in that company. I will hope, however, that it may prove not to have been utterly useless. The imperfection of that which we try to do well sometimes reacts severely upon us and discourages us from further effort. It should not."
"_December 31._ Ran about all day, but studied and wrote also.
"Farewell, old Diary, farewell, old Year! Good, happy and auspicious to me and mine, and to mankind, I prayed that you might be, and such I think you have been. To me you have brought valued experience and renewed study. You have introduced me to Fichte, you have given me the honor of a new responsibility, you have made me acquainted with some excellent personages, among them Baron McKaye, a youth of high and n.o.ble nature; Perabo, an artist of real genius.... You have taught me new lessons of the true meaning and discipline of life,--the which should make me more patient in all endurance, more strenuous in all endeavor.
You have shown me more clearly the line of demarcation between different talents, pursuits, and characters. So I thank and bless your good days, looking to the Supreme from whom we receive all things. The most noticeable events of the year just pa.s.sed, so far as I am concerned, are the following: the invitation received by me to read at the Century Club in New York. This reading was hindered by the death of my brother-in-law, J. N. Howe. The death of dear Uncle John. My journey to Washington to get Chev the Greek appointment. Gurowski"s death.
Attendance at the American Academy of Science at Northampton in August.
The editorship of the new weekly. My study of Fichte"s "_Sittenlehre_"
and the appearance of my essay on the "Ideal State" in the "Christian Examiner." My reading at Lexington for the Monument a.s.sociation. My being appointed a delegate from the Indiana Place Church to the Boston Conference of Unitarian and other Christian Churches. My readings at Northampton, Washington, and elsewhere are all set down in their place.
The bitter opposition of my family renders this service a very difficult and painful one for me. I do not, therefore, seek occasions of performing it, not being quite clear as to the extent to which they ought to limit my efficiency; but when the word and the time come together I always try to give the one to the other and always shall. G.o.d instruct whichever of us is in the wrong about this. And may G.o.d keep mean and personal pa.s.sions far removed from me in the coming years. The teaching of life has of late done much to wean me from them, but the true human requires culture and the false human suppression every day of our lives and as long as we live."
CHAPTER XII
GREECE AND OTHER LANDS
1867; _aet._ 48
OUR COUNTRY
On primal rocks she wrote her name, Her towers were reared on holy graves; The golden seed that bore her came Swift-winged with prayer o"er ocean waves.