Julius Caesar

"See?" She gasped, shaking her head vigorously . "No, no, Caesar, I can"t-" she started frantically and I frowned .

"You will, Samantha . This isn"t an option . I have to get you undercover, so we can meet more without anyone having suspicions-" I said urgently, clenching my teeth .

"You"re being followed?" Her lips parted and her face paled .

I sighed wearily . "Not really, but that could be possible . So-"

"But I can"t-" she repeated, her voice quavering as her shaky fingers reached her mouth to brush it .

"But why?" I asked perplexedly . I didn"t see it logical that she -or anyone for all that matters- was refusing to regain her vision . "You have-"

"I"m too scared-" she then murmured, wiping away silent tears . "There"ll be no one fo-for me-"

"Nonsense, Samantha . I am here for you," I a.s.serted feeling slightly irritated .

"Are you really?" she asked pursing her lips and slightly tilting her head . "I don"t even know who you are . I don"t know how you know all that . I don"t even know how I"m still sitting here despite all the revelations I just knew . I don"t know if any sane person would"ve done what I"m doin-"

Alright . That was it . A change of gears was in order . So I cut her off .

"Samantha, love, we are not in a very good position here and the worst thing you can do is be uncooperative . We haven"t got time . You have to overcome any fe" I stated reasonably and she interrupted .

"But I might be permanently blind! Besides," she paused, gulped . "-I -uh- don"t want to see," she dropped the bomb and my eyebrows shot up to the b.l.o.o.d.y North Pole .

"You what? What do you mean?" I breathed aghast . "You cannot be serio-"

"I like my life . I like what I"ve been given . I mean, what if I don"t survive the operation?" She asked facing me with horror written all over her face .

"What?" I screwed my face in disbelief . "Of course, you"ll survive it! What are you saying? In fact, if you don"t do that, you might actually die, S"

"There"s nothing worth seeing . There"s nothing worth all its pain . I don"t think blindness is a total curse . I think it protects you from the world"s cruelness in its own way," she said sadly and I raised a brow .

I needed a new tactic . I couldn"t let this go .

"But don"t you want revenge from the person who killed your dad?" I asked quickly and her head snapped to me .

"I do . "

"Then you have to be strong enough to tackle him . You have to be able to see at least," I explained softly and she gulped .

"But I"m too scared-"

"Amanda and I are here for you, but please think about it . Samantha . Please . What I"m doing now -just talking to you, dammit- could be risking both our lives . So you have to be fast in deciding," I pressed, plucking the courage to pick her right hand and engulfing it in both my hands .

"Okay," she whispered after a long pause .

"Oh and Samantha?" I inhaled sharply, suddenly remembering something important .

"Not a creature on Earth should know what we talked about . Especially Amanda . The last thing I"d want to deal with is a concerned guardian, okay? Of course, you"ll have to tell her about your surgery, but be smart about your reasoning . Please . "

"Okay," she repeated, taking her hand away from mine as cold air replaced her warm hand . "I have to go . "

She got up and I immediately followed suit, my heart still on my tongue"s tip "Are you sure you"re alright?" I asked, stopping her in her tracks .

"I will be," she breathed, not even looking at me .

She then left and walked relentlessly away from me as my heartbeat slowed .

Feeling like she didn"t believe me and that she wouldn"t consider what I said, I disappointedly made my way to the café to supposedly meet Augustus .

---

I examined a new waitress in the café as she leaned flirtatiously to take a guy"s order . I looked at her big a.r.s.e and unb.u.t.toned V-necked shirt; thus revealing her cleavage and a cross necklace .

I shifted my gaze away from her and was about to pick a cigarette from my cigarette box when the crying of a baby grabbed my attention .

I stared at the lady holding the baby in awe . She shifted her and her baby"s weight from one leg to another as she conversed with the cashier . I let my eyes travel along her until they stopped on the baby . A girl in a pink dress and baby-blue ribbon . I remember . She looked like she was barely six months old .

By now, I thought, Audrey would"ve given birth . I then shook my head and looked away .

After fifteen more minutes and two more cups of coffee, Augustus still didn"t show up . I tapped my feet in impatience . Where the h.e.l.l was he? Was this some stupid joke?: was all I could think about as I eyed the door in displeasure .

I heard the "ding" of the entrance bell and looked up, but it wasn"t him . Feeling besides myself with ferocity and humiliation that I showed up in the first place, I took out some bills and instantly left .

I was soon out in the cold, crisp wintery breeze . The sun had already set and people littered the damp streets . I couldn"t deny my disappointment, but I shouldn"t have forgotten that I was waiting for a son of a b.i.t.c.h .

---

Time was torturing me, I realized .

It was painfully slow and mundane . It beat the seconds and minutes out of me as I awaited a change to occur . A climax to be reached . Days pa.s.sed pathetically uselessly . Every day a day closer to my death that I solely believed would be because of the abuse of time .

Augustus called me almost twenty times a day and I never answered . He didn"t deserve my acknowledgement after what he did . Any hope that I had got a back was obliterated . I guessed Father was right . I"d never want to see him again . Nothing should tie us but dirty blood .

Samantha never called and to add to my fright, she never showed up at the park either . And my imagination was quite limited . I had no idea what would have taken her so long .

I was literally living in the greatest nightmare ever .

Add to that, my Father giving me two delightful surprise visits when I would just idly stare at him while he blabbered about how "proud" he was of me, for returning to who I "really" was and remembering my "duties" . And I would just continue staring and gnawing my cheeks as he patted my back .

I realized I hadn"t talked for days . Nothing to talk about . n.o.body to listen out . It was okay . I was accustomed to this silence that hugged me in my loneliness .

I was doing some push-ups to strengthen my left arm when the doorbell rang out of nowhere . I pushed myself off the ground with a grunt and made my way to the door . It was probably Father, gratifying me with his presence again .

I glanced at my watch . It was eighteen hundred hours .

I wiped my face off the sweat with my shirt before boredly yanking the door open . Then there I was standing and staring at none other than Augustus .

He looked ashen, I thought . He was hollow-cheeked with blood-shot, dull eyes and a weak, defeated posture . Even the way he dressed was different . A black hoodie and black pants . Not dashing as usual .

I sized him up angrily .

"Rom-Julius-"

I immediately cut him off . "Why the h.e.l.l are you here? Who the h.e.l.l sent you? How dare you? Leave!" I bellowed angrily and he winced .

"No-one sent me, mate . Please, just list-" his eyes were pleading and sad . But I ignored that . I had to ignore that .

"Go back to your daddy and let him do the listening, you son of a b.i.t.c.h!" I barked and was shocked when he leapt at me and threw a punch in my face .

I held my jaw in anger and glared at his suddenly livid face . I then clutched his shirt with both my hands and forcefully dragged him inside after kicking the door shut .

I didn"t want to disturb the neighbours .

I pushed him into the living room where he stumbled on a couch and collapsed on it . He looked up at me petrified as I approached him dangerously . I was about to obliterate him when he just burst into tears .

I stared blankly at him and stepped back, lowering a fist as my energy dissipated in the air surrounding me .

"It wasn"t her fault, Julius Caesar . It wasn"t-" He gasped wiping his eyes with his hoodie"s sleeves . I sized him up again but then faltered .

"She f.u.c.ked a married man, for G.o.d"s sake!" I cursed angrily .

He sniffed before adjusting himself on the couch . I stared down at him waiting for an invalid excuse .

"But it wasn"t! It wasn"t her fault that she fell in love! That couldn"t have been a mistake! Dad loved her!" He argued defensively with a thick voice as he peered up at me through his platinum-blond hair .

"I don"t give a d.a.m.n! That"s what he told Mom too! That he "loved" her," I ridiculed wildly .

Augustus looked away and I frowned .

"What did you come here fo-" I started impatiently, but he interrupted .

"Was it her fault then?" He sniffed and caught my eyes . "Sam?"

"Was it her fault then?" He sniffed and caught my eyes . "Sam?"

He whispered her name as tears came rolling down his blood-shot eyes . I was about to open my mouth, but the intensity of the emotions swirling under the blueness of his irises shut me up .

"It wasn"t, was it?" He continued wiping his tears with the heels of his hands . "It"s not fair, that she died in my arms before I could do anything to help her . It"s not fair that the last thing she said was how much she loved me for-for years . It"s not fair she left me alone after that! It"s not fair that I haven"t had e-enough of her-" He sobbed his heart out and I stood, staring at his status in shock .

"It"s also not fair-" He gasped for air . "-that the person behind my heartbreak is my dad . The person I thought cared the most about me-" He said, his breath hitching . "It"s also not fair that when I turned to my only friend, my brother, he blocked me out and simply cut me off . That"s not fair . "

He looked away and my heart sank involuntarily . I surprised myself by the grief that touched my heart at his situation . I didn"t even know what to do: Should I go and comfort him? Or should I block him out for his mother"s and my father"s mistake?

I sighed heavily and approached him slowly before sitting next to him on the couch . He sniffed more and I felt his sadness seep so easily and readily through me . I looked at him, but he still looked away . I hesitantly wrapped an arm around him with a heavy sigh . He didn"t give in .

"Look, Augustus," I started with difficulty, furrowing my eyebrows and ransacking my mind for any good-natured words that"d accurately describe the mixture of feelings I felt . "I am sorry . I don"t know what to say, really . " I breathed out honestly . "I have my doubts too, you know? I, for a second, thought you sold me out to Father . And I was angry, okay? I -uh- was very angry," I sucked in my lower lip then released it .

"I know-" I stopped to now bite my upper lip . This conversation made me beyond uncomfortable . "I know I shouldn"t blame you for something you weren"t really responsible for, but I just couldn"t help it . " I finished artistically, but he still wouldn"t give in as he sniffed more .

I sighed and clenched my teeth in irritation . Not only was this conversation uncomfortable and emotional, but it also exhausted all my communication skills . I was forcing the words out despite the fact that I really meant them . I simply wasn"t used to being nice . And actually meaning it .

"And about Sam-" I continued, nevertheless, feeling a pang in my heart at her name . I mean, after all, she was a friend who I was responsible for her death by bringing her into a story that she didn"t belong to . "-I honestly don"t know who to blame this on . Myself because I got her caught up in something that she wasn"t really a part of? Or my father who uselessly wasted her life?" I breathed out softly, but solidly, not knowing the answer myself . "And for that, I"m -er- sorry too . "

He didn"t turn to me and he even shrugged off my arm . I then clasped my hands between my legs, elbows on thighs, and sighed, irritated by ineffectiveness . I wanted to see him talk and laugh, despite the bitterness I still carried toward him . Because this bitterness I felt was much more merciful than the bitterness stirred by his despondency .

So I decided to open up to help ease his pain .

"Look . I know what you"re feeling because I went through what you"re going through and maybe even worse," I turned my head toward him . His figure was slumped on the couch, not facing me, leaving me his hair-concealed head to stare at . "It -uh- took me almost a year to retrieve myself from the grasp of misery . And I"m not sure if I"ve really succeeded in that," I pointed out, now staring at the coffee table in front of me . "I think I recovered when I believed that they were in a better place, without me .

"I mean, look around you, Gustus . " I frowned . "Look at our world . The world we"re living in is dark . It has this haunting darkness to it . And it"s getting worse . We"re constantly lying to ourselves by ignoring all the misfortunes that are happening around us and engrossing ourselves in some shallow pleasures . We don"t really want to look . We"re too scared to start believing that we"re living in a sinister place we call home . Who told you what could"ve happened if she lived? You never know, Gustus . But now she"s safe and in much better hands," I finished and cleared my throat, feeling my eyes water at the harshness and reality of my words .

"They"re all safe now," I whispered finally and turned to him to find him glaring at me with his raw, ice-blue eyes . He then frowned deeply before just breaking down in more tears . I shook my head sadly before instinctively wrapping my arms around his shaking body as he sobbed between my arms . I felt my heart break for him, not really knowing what more I could do . I"d done my level best .

I remember my brother crying for a long time before he simply collapsed in deep sleep on my laps .

---

I left Augustus sleeping and decided it was time to do some "grocery shopping" . It was naturally the most insipid process ever, but I was in grave need of some tissues, bread, jam, and cigarettes . I walked down the canned food aisle where I usually found my jam- strawberry jam . I picked two jars and was about to turn and leave when "my name" was called .

"Romeo! Long time, no see!" The cheerful voice came and I turned smiling (actually sincerely smiling because I guess I was very grateful to see her alive) to none other than Caroline .

"How are you?" I asked importantly eyeing her mother- I thought- who was observing the contents of some canned beans with one hand while the other hand held onto a trolley .

"Better than ever!" She exclaimed, her hazel eyes glistening with glee .

"That"s the best news I"ve heard all day," I said truthfully as my eyes wandered over the different cans surrounding us . Today was all about Sam and her death and Augustus and his grief . It was very finicky . And seeing that she was untouched from Father"s wrath was a great relief .

"Oh!" She said suddenly clutching my arm . I"d already given up on the "do-not-touch-me" case with Caroline to be honest . "Come and meet grandma!"

Before I had a chance to protest against this vile action, I was dragged toward her grandmother who stood in a floral dress, still engrossed in reading the can"s contents .

"Nana!" Caroline"s squeaky voice pierced my ears . "I want you to meet someone!"

Immediately, her grandma turned to me with a huge, friendly smile . I observed her lightly wrinkled face, blue headscarf and grinned .

Be polite- I reminded myself unnecessarily .

"Good evening, ma"am," I said extending my arm for a handshake .

She laughed and shook my hand . "Good evening! Such a good boy! Who is he, Caroline? Your boyfriend?" She asked glancing at Caroline"s hand that clutched my arm with a grin .

Lord .

Caroline laughed and shook her head . "No, Nana, he"s just a close friend of mine . "

Her grandma looked at me and I nodded smiling . "Such a loss . You don"t get to meet a lot of handsome and polite boys, nowadays, anymore . " She sighed wistfully and I raised my eyebrows, laughing (yes, laughing as in legit laughing) .

Because that was ironic, grandma . I"m a murderer .

"I know right!" Caroline said and I raised my eyebrows .

Good G.o.d, I wanted to evaporate . No, sublimate . Because I was being discussed, in a grocery shop, by an old lady and a forever-thrilled girl . And all I had to do was "hhha" .

Good G.o.d, I wanted to evaporate . No, sublimate . Because I was being discussed, in a grocery shop, by an old lady and a forever-thrilled girl . And all I had to do was "hhha" .

I despised this .

"Nice to meet you, son!" Her grandma exclaimed .

"Nice to meet you too, ma"am," I then smiled, before turning to a grinning, dreamy Caroline . "Sorry, Caroline, I have to go . I have some visitors . "

"Oh . " She snapped out of her state and smiled . "It"s okay you can go . "

"Call me, if you need anything," I finally added before smiling one last time at her grandma and leaving the shop .

What a pleasant surprise .

---

I returned to the hotel to find Augustus still curled like a fetus on the comparatively tiny couch . Sleeping .

I shrugged and prepared me some jam sandwiches . I realized I fancied jam . Strawberry jam . It was quite amusing because I just found out about it two weeks ago . I mean, I knew jam . In fact, I used to eat apricot jam when Mom was still alive .

I finished eating and decided to wake Augustus up . It was already twenty-three hundred hours and I wouldn"t want him late . Maybe Father was waiting for him or something .

"Get up," I commanded, sitting on the couch in front of his and nudging him with my boot-clad foot .

He jolted up immediately alertly before he stared at me and let out a long breath, releasing the tension from his shoulders . I watched him curiously as he pushed back his hair, adjusted his now crumpled, black sweater and rubbed his eyes .

"What time is it?" He asked in a raspy voice .

"Twenty-three hundred hours . "

"Oh, okay . " He muttered disregarding, lying back down again .

I raised my eyebrows . "You have to leave," I stated as he stretched on the tiny couch that hardly fit his body .

"I don"t want to . " He replied lazily and I rolled my eyes .

"And I don"t want Father to come breaking down my door looking for his sweetheart," I retorted bitterly as he laughed humorlessly .

"Oh, no . I"m not his sweetheart . Don"t worry . " He said, glancing at the coffee table .

I smirked . I knew Father the most and I knew that Augustus was his only weakness . The way he talked about him, even when he visited, was quite haunting .

"You have to go," I repeated monotone and he sighed .

"Dad will think I went out to get laid . Not come to you, stupid . " He said sitting up and facing me . I raised my eyebrows . "Besides," he paused . "-he thinks we"re enemies now . "

"Aren"t we?" I was quick to voice out this particularly oppressive thought as his eyes snapped up and caught mine . His eyes, I thought, were blue and dark as the bottom of the ocean under those dim lights . They were very calm too .

"Do you want us to be?" He asked, tilting his head and I stared at him in silence . He then rolled his eyes, sank back in the tiny couch and spread his arms as if to hug it . "But d.a.m.n, Julius," he said ma.s.saging the couch . "-you"re one friendly a.r.s.e enemy, aren"t you?"

I looked away irritated .

"Don"t be so harsh on yourself, brother . " He continued as I snapped my neck back toward him . "I need you," he said widening his eyes . "-and you need me, but your dramatic a.r.s.e is, as usual, in . . . denial-" He rolled his eyes again .

"I don"t need you, b-" I started bitterly and he rolled his eyes .

That was a lie .

He stared at me, pursed his lips and nodded . "Okay, fine-" He then said, getting up suddenly . "-if it"ll make you happy that we become enemies, if it"ll satisfy you to point your pistol at me one day, if you think that that"s right, I"ll leave . " He told me looking me dead in the eyes . "And I can promise you that you"ll never hear from me again . "

I then, stood up to face him .

"Then, leave," I stated flatly, feeling my heart tug me apart as I looked in his disappointed eyes .

He was still looking at me before he silently picked his boots and headed to the door . I stood watching him feeling miserable . It was like a reservoir of emotion that was bottled up and hidden away from me in a dusty corner in my heart . And now? It seemed that Augustus"s leaving pulled apart their drapes and revealed every and each one of them right there .

I realized it really saddened me to extricate him from my life . So I questioned myself: Why am I doing? Why am I preventing myself from a luxury like a brother?

But he wasn"t only my brother . He was my father"s son . He was another woman"s son . His loyalty didn"t lie with me . And, thus he wouldn"t be of any use to me when I"d really need him .
I realized it really saddened me to extricate him from my life . So I questioned myself: Why am I doing? Why am I preventing myself from a luxury like a brother?

But he wasn"t only my brother . He was my father"s son . He was another woman"s son . His loyalty didn"t lie with me . And, thus he wouldn"t be of any use to me when I"d really need him .

I couldn"t simply trust anyone . Not even my brother who appeared by "coincidence" in my life .

So I stared at him as he took my favourite, jade scarf from the chair next to the door and frowned before approaching him .

"Hey-" I started and he turned to me surprised .

"You gonna finally confess-?"

"What are you doing with my scarf?"

We both said at the same time and I raised my eyebrows .

His eyes diverted away from me before he cleared his throat . "I"m feeling . . . cold?"

I raised my eyebrows . "Oh, really?" I deadpanned not comprehending his weird behaviour .

He didn"t reply, but instead wrapped it around his neck and turned to leave .

"Augustus," I called, stopping him in his tracks .

He turned to me sighing and slightly raising both his arms in exasperation . "What-?"

"You lied to me," I stated simply . "You don"t hit me as the type who feels cold . I mean I remember in that party that we went to, you were shirtless and I was the one complaining about the cold . Rings a bell, Augustus?"

I didn"t even know where I was going with this conversation, but it made me feel slightly better .

He raised his eyebrows . "Well, aren"t you b.l.o.o.d.y observant, Julius?" He said differently and I smirked .

"Very . "

He then sighed, his shoulders dropping as he tightened the scarf around his neck . "I-" He started, looked away, touched the scarf then looked at me . "I might -just might- miss you, okay?" He rolled his eyes then sighed . "Might as well have something to remember you with, since you"re the type who holds grudges against people . Against your brother actually . Obviously . You might want to become friends maybe thirty years later when you feel old and guilty for w-"

And that was all it took for me to burst out laughing .

"What"s so funny, Julius? I"m giving you my goodbye speech . " He said looking sincerely hurt .

Well, weren"t we different?

I tried to recompose myself, but failed and simply laughed more . I didn"t remember laughing that much .

"You"re a k.n.o.bhead, you know that?" Augustus snapped, yanking open the door and I stared at him in disbelief and great amus.e.m.e.nt .

"Wait-" I said raising an arm toward him after composing myself . "Wait, I"ll come with you," I said quickly and studied his surprised face .

"h.e.l.l, you will?" His voice dropped and his head inched forward in disbelief .

"You don"t want me to?" I asked, raising my eyebrows playfully .

"h.e.l.l . No!" He said and broke into a wide smile as his red, teary eyes crinkled . "Of course I want you to, but where will we head?"

"I don"t know," I shrugged lightheartedly and raised a brow . "I don"t live in London . "

Only then did his eyes widen in antic.i.p.ation . "Okay, then, I got you, fam . I so got you on that!"

I found myself smiling despite myself as he stepped back into the suite, grasped my arm and dragged me outside with him .

I laughed at his sudden liveliness and decided to myself that maybe not everyone was bad .

Just maybe .

***

A/N: Heh, what do you think? Event-less, yet important .

Loads and lots of love!

RVC PLEASEE!! Thanks for reading!!See? She gasped, shaking her head vigorously . No, no, Caesar, I cant- she started frantically and I frowned . You will, Samantha . This isnt an option . I have to get you undercover, so we can meet more without anyone having suspicions- I said urgently, clenching my teeth . Youre being followed? Her lips parted and her face paled . I sighed wearily . Not really, but that could be possible . So- But I cant- she repeated, her voice quavering as her shaky fingers reached her mouth to brush it . But why? I asked perplexedly . I didnt see it logical that she -or anyone for all that matters- was refusing to regain her vision . You have- Im too scared- she then murmured, wiping away silent tears . Therell be no one fo-for me- Nonsense, Samantha . I am here for you, I a.s.serted feeling slightly irritated . Are you really? she asked pursing her lips and slightly tilting her head . I dont even know who you are . I dont know how you know all that . I dont even know how Im still sitting here despite all the revelations I just knew . I dont know if any sane person wouldve done what Im doin- Alright . That was it . A change of gears was in order . So I cut her off . Samantha, love, we are not in a very good position here and the worst thing you can do is be uncooperative . We havent got time . You have to overcome any fe I stated reasonably and she interrupted . But I might be permanently blind! Besides, she paused, gulped . -I -uh- dont want to see, she dropped the bomb and my eyebrows shot up to the b.l.o.o.d.y North Pole . You what? What do you mean? I breathed aghast . You cannot be serio- I like my life . I like what Ive been given . I mean, what if I dont survive the operation? She asked facing me with horror written all over her face . What? I screwed my face in disbelief . Of course, youll survive it! What are you saying? In fact, if you dont do that, you might actually die, S Theres nothing worth seeing . Theres nothing worth all its pain . I dont think blindness is a total curse . I think it protects you from the worlds cruelness in its own way, she said sadly and I raised a brow . I needed a new tactic . I couldnt let this go . But dont you want revenge from the person who killed your dad? I asked quickly and her head snapped to me . I do . Then you have to be strong enough to tackle him . You have to be able to see at least, I explained softly and she gulped . But Im too scared- Amanda and I are here for you, but please think about it . Samantha . Please . What Im doing now -just talking to you, dammit- could be risking both our lives . So you have to be fast in deciding, I pressed, plucking the courage to pick her right hand and engulfing it in both my hands . Okay, she whispered after a long pause . Oh and Samantha? I inhaled sharply, suddenly remembering something important . Not a creature on Earth should know what we talked about . Especially Amanda . The last thing Id want to deal with is a concerned guardian, okay? Of course, youll have to tell her about your surgery, but be smart about your reasoning . Please . Okay, she repeated, taking her hand away from mine as cold air replaced her warm hand . I have to go . She got up and I immediately followed suit, my heart still on my tongues tip Are you sure youre alright? I asked, stopping her in her tracks . I will be, she breathed, not even looking at me . She then left and walked relentlessly away from me as my heartbeat slowed . Feeling like she didnt believe me and that she wouldnt consider what I said, I disappointedly made my way to the café to supposedly meet Augustus . --- I examined a new waitress in the café as she leaned flirtatiously to take a guys order . I looked at her big a.r.s.e and unb.u.t.toned V-necked shirt; thus revealing her cleavage and a cross necklace . I shifted my gaze away from her and was about to pick a cigarette from my cigarette box when the crying of a baby grabbed my attention . I stared at the lady holding the baby in awe . She shifted her and her babys weight from one leg to another as she conversed with the cashier . I let my eyes travel along her until they stopped on the baby . A girl in a pink dress and baby-blue ribbon . I remember . She looked like she was barely six months old . By now, I thought, Audrey wouldve given birth . I then shook my head and looked away . After fifteen more minutes and two more cups of coffee, Augustus still didnt show up . I tapped my feet in impatience . Where the h.e.l.l was he? Was this some stupid joke?: was all I could think about as I eyed the door in displeasure . I heard the ding of the entrance bell and looked up, but it wasnt him . Feeling besides myself with ferocity and humiliation that I showed up in the first place, I took out some bills and instantly left . I was soon out in the cold, crisp wintery breeze . The sun had already set and people littered the damp streets . I couldnt deny my disappointment, but I shouldnt have forgotten that I was waiting for a son of a b.i.t.c.h . --- Time was torturing me, I realized . It was painfully slow and mundane . It beat the seconds and minutes out of me as I awaited a change to occur . A climax to be reached . Days pa.s.sed pathetically uselessly . Every day a day closer to my death that I solely believed would be because of the abuse of time . Augustus called me almost twenty times a day and I never answered . He didnt deserve my acknowledgement after what he did . Any hope that I had got a back was obliterated . I guessed Father was right . Id never want to see him again . Nothing should tie us but dirty blood . Samantha never called and to add to my fright, she never showed up at the park either . And my imagination was quite limited . I had no idea what would have taken her so long . I was literally living in the greatest nightmare ever . Add to that, my Father giving me two delightful surprise visits when I would just idly stare at him while he blabbered about how proud he was of me, for returning to who I really was and remembering my duties . And I would just continue staring and gnawing my cheeks as he patted my back . I realized I hadnt talked for days . Nothing to talk about . n.o.body to listen out . It was okay . I was accustomed to this silence that hugged me in my loneliness . I was doing some push-ups to strengthen my left arm when the doorbell rang out of nowhere . I pushed myself off the ground with a grunt and made my way to the door . It was probably Father, gratifying me with his presence again . I glanced at my watch . It was eighteen hundred hours . I wiped my face off the sweat with my shirt before boredly yanking the door open . Then there I was standing and staring at none other than Augustus . He looked ashen, I thought . He was hollow-cheeked with blood-shot, dull eyes and a weak, defeated posture . Even the way he dressed was different . A black hoodie and black pants . Not dashing as usual . I sized him up angrily . Rom-Julius- I immediately cut him off . Why the h.e.l.l are you here? Who the h.e.l.l sent you? How dare you? Leave! I bellowed angrily and he winced . No-one sent me, mate . Please, just list- his eyes were pleading and sad . But I ignored that . I had to ignore that . Go back to your daddy and let him do the listening, you son of a b.i.t.c.h! I barked and was shocked when he leapt at me and threw a punch in my face . I held my jaw in anger and glared at his suddenly livid face . I then clutched his shirt with both my hands and forcefully dragged him inside after kicking the door shut . I didnt want to disturb the neighbours . I pushed him into the living room where he stumbled on a couch and collapsed on it . He looked up at me petrified as I approached him dangerously . I was about to obliterate him when he just burst into tears . I stared blankly at him and stepped back, lowering a fist as my energy dissipated in the air surrounding me . It wasnt her fault, Julius Caesar . It wasnt- He gasped wiping his eyes with his hoodies sleeves . I sized him up again but then faltered . She f.u.c.ked a married man, for G.o.ds sake! I cursed angrily . He sniffed before adjusting himself on the couch . I stared down at him waiting for an invalid excuse . But it wasnt! It wasnt her fault that she fell in love! That couldnt have been a mistake! Dad loved her! He argued defensively with a thick voice as he peered up at me through his platinum-blond hair . I dont give a d.a.m.n! Thats what he told Mom too! That he loved her, I ridiculed wildly . Augustus looked away and I frowned . What did you come here fo- I started impatiently, but he interrupted . Was it her fault then? He sniffed and caught my eyes . Sam? He whispered her name as tears came rolling down his blood-shot eyes . I was about to open my mouth, but the intensity of the emotions swirling under the blueness of his irises shut me up . It wasnt, was it? He continued wiping his tears with the heels of his hands . Its not fair, that she died in my arms before I could do anything to help her . Its not fair that the last thing she said was how much she loved me for-for years . Its not fair she left me alone after that! Its not fair that I havent had e-enough of her- He sobbed his heart out and I stood, staring at his status in shock . Its also not fair- He gasped for air . -that the person behind my heartbreak is my dad . The person I thought cared the most about me- He said, his breath hitching . Its also not fair that when I turned to my only friend, my brother, he blocked me out and simply cut me off . Thats not fair . He looked away and my heart sank involuntarily . I surprised myself by the grief that touched my heart at his situation . I didnt even know what to do: Should I go and comfort him? Or should I block him out for his mothers and my fathers mistake? I sighed heavily and approached him slowly before sitting next to him on the couch . He sniffed more and I felt his sadness seep so easily and readily through me . I looked at him, but he still looked away . I hesitantly wrapped an arm around him with a heavy sigh . He didnt give in . Look, Augustus, I started with difficulty, furrowing my eyebrows and ransacking my mind for any good-natured words thatd accurately describe the mixture of feelings I felt . I am sorry . I dont know what to say, really . I breathed out honestly . I have my doubts too, you know? I, for a second, thought you sold me out to Father . And I was angry, okay? I -uh- was very angry, I sucked in my lower lip then released it . I know- I stopped to now bite my upper lip . This conversation made me beyond uncomfortable . I know I shouldnt blame you for something you werent really responsible for, but I just couldnt help it . I finished artistically, but he still wouldnt give in as he sniffed more . I sighed and clenched my teeth in irritation . Not only was this conversation uncomfortable and emotional, but it also exhausted all my communication skills . I was forcing the words out despite the fact that I really meant them . I simply wasnt used to being nice . And actually meaning it . And about Sam- I continued, nevertheless, feeling a pang in my heart at her name . I mean, after all, she was a friend who I was responsible for her death by bringing her into a story that she didnt belong to . -I honestly dont know who to blame this on . Myself because I got her caught up in something that she wasnt really a part of? Or my father who uselessly wasted her life? I breathed out softly, but solidly, not knowing the answer myself . And for that, Im -er- sorry too . He didnt turn to me and he even shrugged off my arm . I then clasped my hands between my legs, elbows on thighs, and sighed, irritated by ineffectiveness . I wanted to see him talk and laugh, despite the bitterness I still carried toward him . Because this bitterness I felt was much more merciful than the bitterness stirred by his despondency . So I decided to open up to help ease his pain . Look . I know what youre feeling because I went through what youre going through and maybe even worse, I turned my head toward him . His figure was slumped on the couch, not facing me, leaving me his hair-concealed head to stare at . It -uh- took me almost a year to retrieve myself from the grasp of misery . And Im not sure if Ive really succeeded in that, I pointed out, now staring at the coffee table in front of me . I think I recovered when I believed that they were in a better place, without me . I mean, look around you, Gustus . I frowned . Look at our world . The world were living in is dark . It has this haunting darkness to it . And its getting worse . Were constantly lying to ourselves by ignoring all the misfortunes that are happening around us and engrossing ourselves in some shallow pleasures . We dont really want to look . Were too scared to start believing that were living in a sinister place we call home . Who told you what couldve happened if she lived? You never know, Gustus . But now shes safe and in much better hands, I finished and cleared my throat, feeling my eyes water at the harshness and reality of my words . Theyre all safe now, I whispered finally and turned to him to find him glaring at me with his raw, ice-blue eyes . He then frowned deeply before just breaking down in more tears . I shook my head sadly before instinctively wrapping my arms around his shaking body as he sobbed between my arms . I felt my heart break for him, not really knowing what more I could do . Id done my level best . I remember my brother crying for a long time before he simply collapsed in deep sleep on my laps . --- I left Augustus sleeping and decided it was time to do some grocery shopping . It was naturally the most insipid process ever, but I was in grave need of some tissues, bread, jam, and cigarettes . I walked down the canned food aisle where I usually found my jam- strawberry jam . I picked two jars and was about to turn and leave when my name was called . Romeo! Long time, no see! The cheerful voice came and I turned smiling (actually sincerely smiling because I guess I was very grateful to see her alive) to none other than Caroline . How are you? I asked importantly eyeing her mother- I thought- who was observing the contents of some canned beans with one hand while the other hand held onto a trolley . Better than ever! She exclaimed, her hazel eyes glistening with glee . Thats the best news Ive heard all day, I said truthfully as my eyes wandered over the different cans surrounding us . Today was all about Sam and her death and Augustus and his grief . It was very finicky . And seeing that she was untouched from Fathers wrath was a great relief . Oh! She said suddenly clutching my arm . Id already given up on the do-not-touch-me case with Caroline to be honest . Come and meet grandma! Before I had a chance to protest against this vile action, I was dragged toward her grandmother who stood in a floral dress, still engrossed in reading the cans contents . Nana! Carolines squeaky voice pierced my ears . I want you to meet someone! Immediately, her grandma turned to me with a huge, friendly smile . I observed her lightly wrinkled face, blue headscarf and grinned . Be polite- I reminded myself unnecessarily . Good evening, maam, I said extending my arm for a handshake . She laughed and shook my hand . Good evening! Such a good boy! Who is he, Caroline? Your boyfriend? She asked glancing at Carolines hand that clutched my arm with a grin . Lord . Caroline laughed and shook her head . No, Nana, hes just a close friend of mine . Her grandma looked at me and I nodded smiling . Such a loss . You dont get to meet a lot of handsome and polite boys, nowadays, anymore . She sighed wistfully and I raised my eyebrows, laughing (yes, laughing as in legit laughing) . Because that was ironic, grandma . Im a murderer . I know right! Caroline said and I raised my eyebrows . Good G.o.d, I wanted to evaporate . No, sublimate . Because I was being discussed, in a grocery shop, by an old lady and a forever-thrilled girl . And all I had to do was hhha . I despised this . Nice to meet you, son! Her grandma exclaimed . Nice to meet you too, maam, I then smiled, before turning to a grinning, dreamy Caroline . Sorry, Caroline, I have to go . I have some visitors . Oh . She snapped out of her state and smiled . Its okay you can go . Call me, if you need anything, I finally added before smiling one last time at her grandma and leaving the shop . What a pleasant surprise . --- I returned to the hotel to find Augustus still curled like a fetus on the comparatively tiny couch . Sleeping . I shrugged and prepared me some jam sandwiches . I realized I fancied jam . Strawberry jam . It was quite amusing because I just found out about it two weeks ago . I mean, I knew jam . In fact, I used to eat apricot jam when Mom was still alive . I finished eating and decided to wake Augustus up . It was already twenty-three hundred hours and I wouldnt want him late . Maybe Father was waiting for him or something . Get up, I commanded, sitting on the couch in front of his and nudging him with my boot-clad foot . He jolted up immediately alertly before he stared at me and let out a long breath, releasing the tension from his shoulders . I watched him curiously as he pushed back his hair, adjusted his now crumpled, black sweater and rubbed his eyes . What time is it? He asked in a raspy voice . Twenty-three hundred hours . Oh, okay . He muttered disregarding, lying back down again . I raised my eyebrows . You have to leave, I stated as he stretched on the tiny couch that hardly fit his body . I dont want to . He replied lazily and I rolled my eyes . And I dont want Father to come breaking down my door looking for his sweetheart, I retorted bitterly as he laughed humorlessly . Oh, no . Im not his sweetheart . Dont worry . He said, glancing at the coffee table . I smirked . I knew Father the most and I knew that Augustus was his only weakness . The way he talked about him, even when he visited, was quite haunting . You have to go, I repeated monotone and he sighed . Dad will think I went out to get laid . Not come to you, stupid . He said sitting up and facing me . I raised my eyebrows . Besides, he paused . -he thinks were enemies now . Arent we? I was quick to voice out this particularly oppressive thought as his eyes snapped up and caught mine . His eyes, I thought, were blue and dark as the bottom of the ocean under those dim lights . They were very calm too . Do you want us to be? He asked, tilting his head and I stared at him in silence . He then rolled his eyes, sank back in the tiny couch and spread his arms as if to hug it . But d.a.m.n, Julius, he said ma.s.saging the couch . -youre one friendly a.r.s.e enemy, arent you? I looked away irritated . Dont be so harsh on yourself, brother . He continued as I snapped my neck back toward him . I need you, he said widening his eyes . -and you need me, but your dramatic a.r.s.e is, as usual, in . denial- He rolled his eyes again . I dont need you, b- I started bitterly and he rolled his eyes . That was a lie . He stared at me, pursed his lips and nodded . Okay, fine- He then said, getting up suddenly . -if itll make you happy that we become enemies, if itll satisfy you to point your pistol at me one day, if you think that thats right, Ill leave . He told me looking me dead in the eyes . And I can promise you that youll never hear from me again . I then, stood up to face him . Then, leave, I stated flatly, feeling my heart tug me apart as I looked in his disappointed eyes . He was still looking at me before he silently picked his boots and headed to the door . I stood watching him feeling miserable . It was like a reservoir of emotion that was bottled up and hidden away from me in a dusty corner in my heart . And now? It seemed that Augustuss leaving pulled apart their drapes and revealed every and each one of them right there . I realized it really saddened me to extricate him from my life . So I questioned myself: Why am I doing? Why am I preventing myself from a luxury like a brother? But he wasnt only my brother . He was my fathers son . He was another womans son . His loyalty didnt lie with me . And, thus he wouldnt be of any use to me when Id really need him . I couldnt simply trust anyone . Not even my brother who appeared by coincidence in my life . So I stared at him as he took my favourite, jade scarf from the chair next to the door and frowned before approaching him . Hey- I started and he turned to me surprised . You gonna finally confess-? What are you doing with my scarf? We both said at the same time and I raised my eyebrows . His eyes diverted away from me before he cleared his throat . Im feeling . cold? I raised my eyebrows . Oh, really? I deadpanned not comprehending his weird behaviour . He didnt reply, but instead wrapped it around his neck and turned to leave . Augustus, I called, stopping him in his tracks . He turned to me sighing and slightly raising both his arms in exasperation . What-? You lied to me, I stated simply . You dont hit me as the type who feels cold . I mean I remember in that party that we went to, you were shirtless and I was the one complaining about the cold . Rings a bell, Augustus? I didnt even know where I was going with this conversation, but it made me feel slightly better . He raised his eyebrows . Well, arent you b.l.o.o.d.y observant, Julius? He said differently and I smirked . Very . He then sighed, his shoulders dropping as he tightened the scarf around his neck . I- He started, looked away, touched the scarf then looked at me . I might -just might- miss you, okay? He rolled his eyes then sighed . Might as well have something to remember you with, since youre the type who holds grudges against people . Against your brother actually . Obviously . You might want to become friends maybe thirty years later when you feel old and guilty for w- And that was all it took for me to burst out laughing . Whats so funny, Julius? Im giving you my goodbye speech . He said looking sincerely hurt . Well, werent we different? I tried to recompose myself, but failed and simply laughed more . I didnt remember laughing that much . Youre a k.n.o.bhead, you know that? Augustus snapped, yanking open the door and I stared at him in disbelief and great amus.e.m.e.nt . Wait- I said raising an arm toward him after composing myself . Wait, Ill come with you, I said quickly and studied his surprised face . h.e.l.l, you will? His voice dropped and his head inched forward in disbelief . You dont want me to? I asked, raising my eyebrows playfully . h.e.l.l . No! He said and broke into a wide smile as his red, teary eyes crinkled . Of course I want you to, but where will we head? I dont know, I shrugged lightheartedly and raised a brow . I dont live in London . Only then did his eyes widen in antic.i.p.ation . Okay, then, I got you, fam . I so got you on that! I found myself smiling despite myself as he stepped back into the suite, grasped my arm and dragged me outside with him . I laughed at his sudden liveliness and decided to myself that maybe not everyone was bad . Just maybe . *** A/N: Heh, what do you think? Event-less, yet important . Loads and lots of love! RVC PLEASEE!! Thanks for reading!!