Julius Caesar

I sit on the sofa facing the front door, elbows on knees and face in hands . And I"m waiting, waiting, waiting, wai-

"Julius?" I hear Samantha calling me and I snap my head toward her voice . She"s standing behind me in a brown knit sweater and jeans with her hair pulled up in a messy bun . I look back toward the door and sigh heavily . Worriedly .

"When did he tell you he"ll come?" I ask her .

"He said by three . "

"Well, it"s f.u.c.king four now . "

I clasp my hands in my laps as I feel Samantha"s hands rest on my tensed shoulders that eased a little under her touch .

"You have to relax, Julius . Please . Traffic may be holding him back . "

I shut my eyes, drop my head in my hands and rub my temples . She"s right . I have to get it together no matter how anxious I am, given the fact that I know how Father is never late for anything . Not ever .

"Where is Gutsa?" I ask and she comes to sit next to me .

"Sleeping . Upstairs . "

I inhale deeply and touch the gun wedged in the back of my pants with my right hand . I know Samantha"s watching me too closely, but I ignore her .

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Samantha asks hesitantly and I shake my head, already getting frustrated . This whole thing got me worked up and so very impatient .

"I told you-" I start firmly, but she cuts in .

"I just want you to know that I will do anything- and I mean it- anything, for us . Okay?"

My breath hitches before I turn to her, get my s.h.i.t together and nod once with a small smile . Samantha doesn"t look convinced- not the least bit . Her eyes are jumpy and teary and her breaths shaky and short . She doesn"t talk while looking in my eyes and has been calling me "Julius" ever since the sun decided to lift itself from its demise . And I wonder if she has slept at night at all; I wonder if she"ll remember to "relax" too .

Samantha is staring at a point behind my shoulder clearly lost in thought . I could smell her fright coming off her in tsunami waves- in waves she thinks she can hide from me- someone who knows her just like he knows his own scars and cursed name . She thinks she can hide it by being "nice" and "supportive" . It amuses me that she still thinks it"s possible . That it"s possible not to seep beneath her pale, smooth skin to where her terrified soul lies, caged, hoping for protection behind that huge heart of hers . She still thinks that I can"t tell when her soul tremors when that heart of hers skips a beat or runs a marathon .

Samantha doesn"t really get that through all those past months when I was free from grief"s clutches for a moment, all I"d do was study the way her chest rose and fell with every deep or short breath, the way she tugged on a hair strand when she"s deep in thought, the way she"d "tsk" when I"d drink milk from the carton and the way her eyes lit when she was talking about a bright future . A future she thinks I am taking away from her because of a "must-be-done" deed .

She doesn"t know the depth of my love for her and it disturbs me . It disturbs me that she allows her true vulnerable self to still hide from me . She doesn"t understand what I really mean when I tell her that I want her all . All of that fear, insecurity, guilt . I want it out on the table so that I"d take some, if not all, from her .

I sigh, releasing the tension from my shoulders and just before I try to reach for her chin to get her to look into me, the doorbell rings . I pull back in a haze, straighten up slowly as Samantha gulps with a brittle smile . I watch her, heart-wrenched, as she does what we"ve discussed what needs to be done two nights before .

She is the one who gets to open the door for him . And that"s exactly what she does .

I watch her back as she welcomes Father in with her sweet, melodic voice- she got from her mother . She then steps aside and Father fills my view . Needless to say, he looks immaculate with his neatly swept hair, navy blue suit and white, leather shoes as he pretends to observe his surrounding before his eyes fall square on me .

Samantha gently closes the door behind him as he starts approaching me with raised brows and a small, vague smile . I get up and stand tall and straight before he comes and stops in front of me .

Samantha rushes upstairs to get Augusta .

He extends his right hand and I glance down at it before looking him dead in the eyes . It"s a game for two now .

"h.e.l.lo, Father," I take his hand and shake it .

Father nods at me with a small smirk . "h.e.l.lo, Julius . Long time, no see . And no hear . " His eyes glint mischievously as he smiles at his "joke" .

"Same . "

"Congratulations by the way," he tells me as he glances at the stairs which Samantha is descending carefully with Augusta nestled in her arms .

"Thank you . "

"She must be an absolute beauty . Augusta . I mean, she has wonderful, loving parents . "

I nod with a fake smile before Samantha stands by my side and hands Augusta to him . Father carries her with a crease of focus between his eyebrows as he watches her in awe .

"Oh, it has never occurred me that I"d live to that day," he says slowly, quietly with a smile as he hands Augusta back to Samantha . "-the day when I"d be a grandfather to such a beauty . " He looks at Samantha and smiles warmly . "She"s a princess, bless her soul . "

Samantha smiles weakly at the compliment . "Thanks . "

I try not to cringe at how awkward the heavy pauses between one monologue and the other are .

"Well," Father takes a deep breath, clasping his hands together . "Take her back to bed . We shouldn"t disturb her sleep, now shall we?"

I look at Samantha who gives me a quick, nervous glance before she nods once and turns on her heels, heading back upstairs again . Hmm, he hasn"t really come to "spend time" his granddaughter, has he?

He"d never reach that level of sentimentality, of course .

"I"m so proud of you, son," he says airily . "You made a beautiful daughter-" he raises his eyebrows . "You know? I always wished I had a daughter . Females are ethereal . . . beauties-" He paces around in front of me before gingerly lowering himself on the sofa facing me . He reaches for his suit"s chest pocket and takes out a cigar .

He then gives me a once-over before placing it between his teeth and lighting it up . "I"m glad to see you"re good now . "

"I am . "

"Of course you are," he smiles . "You"re my son . You"re capable of everything . You"re too strong for grief . "

"Yes . You too . You don"t seem as . . . emotional as you were last time we met . "

He nods slowly, puffing out some smoke . "True . Your brother"s death took a toll on all of us . It was a rough patch . . . but look at us now, son-" he said thoughtfully, eagerly . "We are the strong men the world always knew us as . We"re ready to take over . "

"We are, aren"t we?" I smirk amusedly, hoping he didn"t believe a word he was saying because he"ll be disappointed when I bring him to his knees .

Father leans over the coffee table in front of him only to keep the lit cigar on the ashtray . He then leans back, eyes on me . "You tell me," he then raises a brow . "Are you ready to take over?"

My heart stops for a microsecond . Take over . . . what?

"Are you ready to take over this corrupted world?" he continues undeterred, waving his arms around and I remind myself to stop being ridiculous . My plan is flawless . What is the worst that can happen?

"Yes . Augustus" death-" I almost stutter on the last word, but I manage to smoothly breathe it out, looking in my father"s filthy battlefields for eyes . "-made me realize that strength lies in sorrow as much as in delight and confidence . That sorrow is misunderstood," I say, tasting the words slowly, delectably . "It doesn"t really destroy a person . In fact-" I tilt my head and continue nonchalantly . "It clears the mess in his head so he can see the real ugly truth about everything, everyone . It helps to clear his judgment about who the real villains are and all . "

Father purses his lips as if amused . "You have a deep, accurate perception of this life . It"s intriguing, son . Pride-worthy . You"ve moved on with a lot of difficulties, but I can say it was worth it . "

I nod and wonder when the right time would be to fling out my gun and commence the ma.s.sacre .

"So-" he breathes out, staring at me . "Have you figured what you will do to support your family? I mean, son, a man is judged on how he keeps his family"s demands fulfilled . You should start considering your options . "

Well, I would"ve, Father . But who would recruit a twenty-six-year-old architect with absolutely no experience?

"I"ve been thinking about it lately-"

"You, my son, should have no difficulty finding a job given your high IQ and the fact that you"ve graduated from one of the best universities in the world-" he said, his voice full of authority . "Unless . . . " he trails off, his eyes lingering on me for a while too long and I hold my breath .

Is he going to say "unless you want to work by my side again"? Yes, that"s definitely the worst that can happen .

"Unless they ask for experience of course," he continues and I wonder if he"s doing this on purpose- being so ambiguous- or if I"m just being paranoid . Probably the latter .

"Yes . I have no experience . "

Father smirks . "I have lots of contacts . I can ask someone to take you under their wing . If you want to," he offers and I raise my eyebrows .

"Thank you for your generous offer," I reply, getting bored of the roasting-in-disguise conversation we are having . "As a matter of fact-" I glance at the smoke still twirling lowly from the lit cigar and shrug with a smile . "-I have figured out what I want to do . "

And just like that I fling out my gun and look up to find him holding a gun too . And suddenly my mind defines chaos . I threaten myself not to show any of the confusion in my head on my face as I watch him, still sitting on the sofa with the gun held casually in his hands, aiming at my head .

"A pleasant surprise, right?" he smirks boredly and slowly gets to his feet .

And I"m not sure I can say anything because this is already getting out of my hand . This is exactly how my plan goes to the nearest dustbin as I size up his confident posture (that would never give anyone the clue that he is a fifty-something-year-old son of a b.i.t.c.h), his alert, sharp eyes and steady hands .

But I got it all under control . There is no way he is ever going to slip away from me . That"d be over my dead body . Not this time .

I start by confronting him .

"You"re a f.u.c.king hypocrite . "

Father stills on my words and lifts a brow . "Ok-"

I don"t let him utter a word . "You don"t practice what you preach . You kill people you"re supposed to protect . You terrorized me of my own self because of your mistakes . You know you are no better than those you"ve set me out to kill . And you hate yourself to selfishness . You wanted me to go through the same G.o.dd.a.m.ned thing . You wanted me to go through the horror of being and knowing that I"m a coldblooded murderer . And you hated it that I never submitted to your barbaric methodologies .

"So don"t tell me that it was because of complete secrecy that you didn"t tell me that I killed horrific people for the government . You know that if you"ve worked better on our s.h.i.tty relationship, you and I would trust each other on our lives . So no, Father," I spit out bitterly . "Unfortunately, it wasn"t even a surprise for it to be pleasant, that we"re holding guns at each other . That you can"t trust me with your life when you step in my house . "

Father nods at me feigning seriousness before his face just broke into a mocking grin, then into heavy laughter . "Bravo, son! Acting would suit you just . . . perfect! This was breathtakingly theatrical!"

"You taught me that I should always kill for Gorj-" I say, ignoring his remark . "That doesn"t for a second make you an exception-"

Father is nodding "enthusiastically" before he looks me in my eyes . "Then what are you waiting for? Just do it . Since when do we have to explain ourselves to the enemy? That"s the thing I dislike about you, son-" he shifts and I tighten my hold around the gun . "Your immense fascination with drama and theatrics . You summoned me to kill me, yet we spent almost an hour chit-chatting about this and that . Son-" he says exasperatedly . "-you"re starting to forget my lessons . Power is slipping right between you-"

"I don"t want to be powerful!" I yell at him and he smirks .

"See? That"s where you go wrong, again . No man doesn"t desire power and greatness-"

"You killed a lot of innocent people . It"s not fair that you get to outlive them like this . You killed- you killed Audrey, Sam and G.o.d only knows who else . People are going through so much heartache for this bulls.h.i.t legacy you"re worshipping-" I"m almost shaking from the anger as Father shakes his head and glances behind my shoulder .

I don"t even risk a look behind me to know that it"s Samantha .

"Yes, you"re right . It"s not fair," he tells me with a smirk . "I had my reasons-"

"There isn"t even one reason that"s good enough for murder-" I say, knowing how much I"ve let myself through h.e.l.l when I thought that I was his carbon copy . There wasn"t a day that pa.s.sed without me hoping to kill myself in the most painful way possible . "You wanted to kill my love to Audrey and you did it in the most brutal way . You killed Sam and until now, I don"t even know why! Why did you break my brother"s heart?" I shout and he nods as if entertained by listening to all of his terrible actions . "Never mind, Augustus," I pant out calmly, shaking my head . "You broke million hearts . "

"We might as well get a violin band, link arms, sway and sob," Father said distastefully . "Boy, you"re talking about heartbreaks instead of guns . I"d understand if you"d gone all soft after Augustus died . But, Julius, son, you"re holding a gun to my face and fighting back tears . It"s contradicting . And pathetic . "

"I"m just perplexed-" I say, shaking my head . "Why do you insist on treating me like a child when you very well know what I"m capable of? Why did you come here with a gun if you really think I"m a pathetic, dramatic "boy"?"

"Well, it"s funny because I wasn"t really coming here with a gun until your wife called me and told me you are no longer the softie you were-" he said with an easy smile and I felt my stomach twist with a possible theory . "Well, your wife was absolutely and horrendously worried about you, son . Worried that you"d get your hands b.l.o.o.d.y again . That you"d kill me-"

My heart is pumping and leaping so high, it"s a wonder why it hasn"t reached heaven yet . I shake my head and scoff . "Bulls.h.i.t . Samantha wouldn"t do that . She promised-"

"Samantha? Lovely, please come here," Father interjects and my heart comes crashing down when she slowly comes to his side, her face guilt-ridden . My lips part at what I"m seeing and my hand shakes with the gun .

"Samantha, love-" I raise my eyebrows, looking in her blue, casted eyes . My lips are tugged down by an invisible weight . "Why?"

Her lips quiver before she helplessly looks at Father .

"Don"t look at your wife like that, you idiot," I hear Father say as I try to tear my eyes away from her and fail . "She wanted me to save you . "

That catches my attention and I lose it . "BUT YOU"RE A G.o.dd.a.m.nED KILLER!"

"Julius, please-" I hear Samantha plead and I sharply turn to her .

"I don"t want to even see your face right now," I tell her calmly, coldly, looking right in her eyes .

I hear her heart break as she tries to compose herself after what I"ve said before she fails, lets out a sob and runs upstairs .

"That was harsh, Julius . That"s not how you treat wome-"

"SHUT UP!" I yell and Father takes a deep breath as if I am acting like a hopeless case . Like I"m a f.u.c.king lunatic .

"You brought me up to this!" I stress out . "You brought me up so that I"d do whatever to Gorj . And now that I know the f.u.c.king purpose of Gorj, why do you seem to run away from your own rules? It used to be okay," I pause and shake my head . "I didn"t think of you as any worse than who I was when I was killing for no reason too . When I thought I was a butcher too . But now?" I pant out calmly . "Now, you need to be eliminated . "

"You don"t want to do this . "

"Do what? Make the world a little bit fairer?" I scoff . "No- I really want to do that . "

"You never know when a bad habit is made-" he tells me and I narrow my eyes at him .

"What do you mean?"

"Our bodies know very well how to treat themselves . If something gives you pleasure, if something relieves you, you will always be hungry for it-" he explains and I wonder how he remains so d.a.m.ned collected after all that I"ve told him .

"s.e.x . Smoking . You name it . But son so is murder . " He c.o.c.ks his head to the side . "I was so angry and it felt heavenly releasing all that stress when I stabbed that lady- Fiona was her name- to her miserable end . It felt better killing Mustafa . Better even killing Audrey because you angered me . My point is-" Father shakes his head . "Killing me would give you so much pleasure . It"s no good, son . "

"Wow-" I raise my eyebrows in disbelief . "Is that concern I sense? Because I can"t believe you"re believing yourself," I scoff . "Are you trying to tell me that you"re scared I get addicted to murder? Like you have any idea the number of times I got tempted to kill an innocent person, thinking that it would make no difference because I"m a murderer anyway? I can"t f.u.c.king believe you . "

Father smirks . "You don"t need to believe me because you aren"t going to kill me . "

I c.o.c.k the gun . "Yeah?"

"One day, when you take over Gorj, you"ll understand the pressure I"ve been put-"

"No Father," I shake my head . "You don"t understand . When I"m taking over Gorj, I"m going to discontinue your legacy . I have a copy of Mother"s will . I do not care what you"ve accomplished because all you"ve accomplished is stained red and is carrying the stench of the thousands of rotting hearts you"ve broken . I will be-"

"Being me-" he says, panting it out hatefully . "Being me is never easy . You will never be half the man I am . You cannot even take my place . You"re too much of a coward for such-"

"Yes . You are right . But only partly," I quickly lick my dry lower lip . "I can never take your place if I were to stay sane . You see, people like me and you, cannot be in this place without harming others . " I look in his eyes . "We share the same darkness no matter how much I hate it . Being this-" I c.o.c.ked my neck at him . "Whatever you call yourself, fed your darkness to brutality .

"Dark people like us cannot take such positions . We cannot see blood without feeling something alive pulse inside us . Something demonic . We cannot be what you want us to be without getting tempted a hundred times a day . I know . But, h.e.l.l, Father, I"d rather run like a coward than losing myself to my demons . No one told you to bow to your demons . No one told you to kill for them . You never fought your temptations . It was never difficult for you . "

Father says nothing but stares at me like I"m a new person .

"Killing you is only natural order," I say slowly and Father nods at me with a smile . He then lowers his gun . Drops it to the ground . And I"m not sure what to feel about this .

"You figured me out," he says slowly, sincerely and I am beyond confused at his reaction . "And I"d rather die than see your demons click with mine . Kill me . "

I raise my eyebrows and smirk . "But what about Gorj? How will I gain access to my position?"

Father clears his throat . "Call Philips . Tell him that you have the right to take over Gorj . Tell him that I am resigning . He will deal with the authorities who"ll remove all the privileges Gorj has been given . You shall not worry because Philips will be there to guide you through . He will be there to help you in your first year or so . You"ll be all good . "

"So-?" My heart is breaking free . "So no contract with the government or any s.h.i.t like that?"

"No . Of course not . Things like those can"t have deadlines . If I had died any moment, whoever would take over doesn"t necessarily have to partic.i.p.ate in this whole siesta . "

I approach Father and he stands so very still, unblinking .

"Where do you want your ashes?"

"With Augustus"," he replies immediately and I scowl .

"Augustus is in the Pacific Ocean-"

"He said he wanted to be planted-" Father looks so displeased, it surprises me .

"You read the letter?"

"Of course, I did-"

"Well, Augustus doesn"t deserve to be kept in a yard . He isn"t a tree . He is a free, wandering soul with the expanse and the depth of the Pacific Ocean . That"s what he is . He deserves to see the endless shimmer of the blue of his mother"s eyes every sunrise and sunset . He deserves to be free from us . From all of those who held him down . We don"t deserve him . Never will," my eyes are already watering and I know my father notices because his face falls too .

"Reunite me with him . "

I raise my gun and press it to his forehead . Father slowly gets on his knees and my tears are flowing out in bittersweet triumph . I finally stripped my father of his own dignity . I crumpled his power with the truth . I erased his ego . I know that he"d rather die than see me again .

He"s staring in my eyes, waiting, waiting, waiting-

I pull the trigger with a "click" and his tears come tumbling down as he flinches away . I smile widely as he blinks dumbly at me . His hands reach his head where there"s obviously no blood .

The gun was not loaded . I never planned on killing him this way . I killed him in the worst way possible . I humiliated him . And that is even more painful than losing Augustus or getting a bullet through his head .

Father wordlessly gets to his feet with a sway, his lips numb and incapable of uttering a word as he looks at my merciless smile .

And he runs out of the house .

I watch the empty street through the wide open door and marvel at the weak sun rays . The sun"s setting and I think of Augustus as I toss the gun on the sofa and pull out the recorder from my back pocket .

I stop the recording with a shaky finger before slamming the front door shut .

Father is as good as dead, I think as I kill his cigar on the ashtray .

---

The master room"s door is open and I raise my eyebrows . I step in and find Samantha curled on the huge, king-bed, golden pillow over her head as her m.u.f.fled sobs fill the air .

My heart flutters in my heart at how delicate she looks, engulfed by the other pillows and crimson bed sheets . I slowly approach the bed before lowering myself on it . Samantha must"ve felt my weight because her sobs come to a sudden end .

I lay down, smile to myself before spooning her . She is so warm from all the crying she was doing . She tightens her hold around the pillow as I hear her breaths slow . I then raise the pillow just a little, using some force of course so I could whisper something in her ears .

"I"m not mad at you . "

A pause .

"You"re not?" comes the m.u.f.fled response and I smile .

"Of course, not . "

Another pause .

She then yanks the pillow from her face and slowly sits up, looking at me wide-eyed, tear-stained-cheeked and messy-haired . Her lips part when she sees the grin on my face .

"You looked mad . "

"How can you be mad at someone you love?" I ask her and she tears up .

"You-you didn"t see- You didn"t see how-how you glared at-at me, Caesar!" she stutters, wiping away her tears .

"I was acting . "

"No-" she sniffs, shaking her head .

"Yes . "

"No, no . "

"Yah, yah . "

"Alexander-" she trails off and I purse my lips .

"Is dead . "

She tries to smile and fails . "You killed him?"

"No . Listen . "

And I pull out the recorder from the back of my pocket . I play it .

Samantha is still staring at the recorder when it finishes before she breathes out loudly .

"Oh, my days, Caesar!" she gets too excited, grabbing my forearm . "You"re a genius!"

I shrug and she pinches my cheeks .

"You"re so cute!"

I swipe her hands away and frown . She knows I don"t like that move .

"But why didn"t you tell me? I was worried sick-"

"Yes . That"s what made it believable . Father is a snake . "

"But I told him-" she says in a small, embarra.s.sed voice and I smile .

"It didn"t matter anyway-"

"Oh my G.o.d-" she gasps . "I put you in danger! He could"ve used the gun on you!"

"No . Look . My father hates me . But not more than himself . I don"t think he"d be able to live with it if he lost me too . "

"I don"t understand . "

I sigh heavily, taking her hand in mine . "Honestly, Father is one of the most complex people I"ve ever known . Ever . And in a twisted kind of way, he loves me . And maybe he was pushing me to my extremes, thinking I"d one day take his place . And so, he wanted to prepare me for the horrors he had seen . Look," I sigh and smile lazily . "I don"t even know and I don"t plan on knowing . "

Samantha nods slowly . "So, what"s next?"

"Submitting that s.h.i.t to the police and watch him get behind the bars . "

"And then?"

"And then I take over Gorj," I say and Samantha shifts uncomfortably . "And don"t worry there are no contracts . " I wriggle my eyebrows and she beams at me .

"And then?" she sucks in her lower lip and I shrug .

"And then we live our life, Samantha . I get you to the honeymoon we never had-" I wink and she gasps .

"Yes! A honeymoon!"

I chuckle at how she reacts . "I"ll take you to Venice . "

Samantha"s face freezes before she literally tackles me . I fall on my back on the bed laughing as she kisses my face .

"I love you! I love you! I love you! Aghhh, JULIUS, I LOVE YOU!"

I try to hold her back but she"s kissing my lips and pinching my hopeless, displeased cheeks like there"s no tomorrow . I reach for her belly and start tickling her . She stops, falling to her side with laughter as I ruthlessly tickle her .

"LEAVE MY JELLY-BELLY!" she shrieks, her voice engulfed by her joyous laughter .

Yes, that"s what she calls her belly after she had Samantha . It is funny how she makes fun of herself and her "new, motherly" body which only made me fall in love more and more . Including, "jelly-belly", "jiggly-tatas" (for b.o.o.bs), "Hagrid-thighs" (a real exaggeration, she is still as beautiful as ever) and "virginified-vajayjay" (since we hadn"t had s.e.x for two to three months as she grew more and more tired with the pregnancy . But I took care of that the day before yesterday) .

"Your jelly-belly is mine," I tease her as I pin her hands to tickle her more . She"s laughing to tears now .

And then Augusta starts wailing . I drop her hands and still above her as we both wait for this beat of silence to get broken again . And it does .

"Yup . Augusta," Samantha and I say in sync as I get off of her .

We both get to her pink room . I stand in the doorway as Samantha gets into her so pink and sparkly room . It revolts me a lot . But I have a daughter and I got to love pink for her .

Samantha approaches her white (yes!) crib quickly and takes her in her arms . I smile at the sight of them swaying in the middle of the room before I slowly approach them from behind .

I wrap my arms around Samantha from the back, rest my chin on her shoulder as I look down to 3the miracle fidgeting, restlessly in her arms . I smile, close my eyes and breathe in deeply .

And I know . I know for sure that all is good .

All will be good .I sit on the sofa facing the front door, elbows on knees and face in hands . And Im waiting, waiting, waiting, wai- Julius? I hear Samantha calling me and I snap my head toward her voice . Shes standing behind me in a brown knit sweater and jeans with her hair pulled up in a messy bun . I look back toward the door and sigh heavily . Worriedly . When did he tell you h.e.l.l come? I ask her . He said by three . Well, its f.u.c.king four now . I clasp my hands in my laps as I feel Samanthas hands rest on my tensed shoulders that eased a little under her touch . You have to relax, Julius . Please . Traffic may be holding him back . I shut my eyes, drop my head in my hands and rub my temples . Shes right . I have to get it together no matter how anxious I am, given the fact that I know how Father is never late for anything . Not ever . Where is Gutsa? I ask and she comes to sit next to me . Sleeping . Upstairs . I inhale deeply and touch the gun wedged in the back of my pants with my right hand . I know Samanthas watching me too closely, but I ignore her . Are you sure you want to do this? Samantha asks hesitantly and I shake my head, already getting frustrated . This whole thing got me worked up and so very impatient . I told you- I start firmly, but she cuts in . I just want you to know that I will do anything- and I mean it- anything, for us . Okay? My breath hitches before I turn to her, get my s.h.i.t together and nod once with a small smile . Samantha doesnt look convinced- not the least bit . Her eyes are jumpy and teary and her breaths shaky and short . She doesnt talk while looking in my eyes and has been calling me Julius ever since the sun decided to lift itself from its demise . And I wonder if she has slept at night at all; I wonder if sh.e.l.l remember to relax too . Samantha is staring at a point behind my shoulder clearly lost in thought . I could smell her fright coming off her in tsunami waves- in waves she thinks she can hide from me- someone who knows her just like he knows his own scars and cursed name . She thinks she can hide it by being nice and supportive . It amuses me that she still thinks its possible . That its possible not to seep beneath her pale, smooth skin to where her terrified soul lies, caged, hoping for protection behind that huge heart of hers . She still thinks that I cant tell when her soul tremors when that heart of hers skips a beat or runs a marathon . Samantha doesnt really get that through all those past months when I was free from griefs clutches for a moment, all Id do was study the way her chest rose and fell with every deep or short breath, the way she tugged on a hair strand when shes deep in thought, the way shed tsk when Id drink milk from the carton and the way her eyes lit when she was talking about a bright future . A future she thinks I am taking away from her because of a must-be-done deed She doesnt know the depth of my love for her and it disturbs me . It disturbs me that she allows her true vulnerable self to still hide from me . She doesnt understand what I really mean when I tell her that I want her all . All of that fear, insecurity, guilt . I want it out on the table so that Id take some, if not all, from her . I sigh, releasing the tension from my shoulders and just before I try to reach for her chin to get her to look into me, the doorbell rings . I pull back in a haze, straighten up slowly as Samantha gulps with a brittle smile . I watch her, heart-wrenched, as she does what weve discussed what needs to be done two nights before . She is the one who gets to open the door for him . And thats exactly what she does . I watch her back as she welcomes Father in with her sweet, melodic voice- she got from her mother . She then steps aside and Father fills my view . Needless to say, he looks immaculate with his neatly swept hair, navy blue suit and white, leather shoes as he pretends to observe his surrounding before his eyes fall square on me . Samantha gently closes the door behind him as he starts approaching me with raised brows and a small, vague smile . I get up and stand tall and straight before he comes and stops in front of me . Samantha rushes upstairs to get Augusta . He extends his right hand and I glance down at it before looking him dead in the eyes . Its a game for two now . h.e.l.lo, Father, I take his hand and shake it . Father nods at me with a small smirk . h.e.l.lo, Julius . Long time, no see . And no hear . His eyes glint mischievously as he smiles at his joke . Same . Congratulations by the way, he tells me as he glances at the stairs which Samantha is descending carefully with Augusta nestled in her arms . Thank you . She must be an absolute beauty . Augusta . I mean, she has wonderful, loving parents . I nod with a fake smile before Samantha stands by my side and hands Augusta to him . Father carries her with a crease of focus between his eyebrows as he watches her in awe . Oh, it has never occurred me that Id live to that day, he says slowly, quietly with a smile as he hands Augusta back to Samantha . -the day when Id be a grandfather to such a beauty . He looks at Samantha and smiles warmly . Shes a princess, bless her soul . Samantha smiles weakly at the compliment . Thanks . I try not to cringe at how awkward the heavy pauses between one monologue and the other are . Well, Father takes a deep breath, clasping his hands together . Take her back to bed . We shouldnt disturb her sleep, now shall we? I look at Samantha who gives me a quick, nervous glance before she nods once and turns on her heels, heading back upstairs again . Hmm, he hasnt really come to spend time his granddaughter, has he? Hed never reach that level of sentimentality, of course . Im so proud of you, son, he says airily . You made a beautiful daughter- he raises his eyebrows . You know? I always wished I had a daughter . Females are ethereal . beauties- He paces around in front of me before gingerly lowering himself on the sofa facing me . He reaches for his suits chest pocket and takes out a cigar . He then gives me a once-over before placing it between his teeth and lighting it up . Im glad to see youre good now . I am . Of course you are, he smiles . Youre my son . Youre capable of everything . Youre too strong for grief . Yes . You too . You dont seem as . emotional as you were last time we met . He nods slowly, puffing out some smoke . True . Your brothers death took a toll on all of us . It was a rough patch . but look at us now, son- he said thoughtfully, eagerly . We are the strong men the world always knew us as . Were ready to take over . We are, arent we? I smirk amusedly, hoping he didnt believe a word he was saying because h.e.l.l be disappointed when I bring him to his knees . Father leans over the coffee table in front of him only to keep the lit cigar on the ashtray . He then leans back, eyes on me . You tell me, he then raises a brow . Are you ready to take over? My heart stops for a microsecond . Take over . what? Are you ready to take over this corrupted world? he continues undeterred, waving his arms around and I remind myself to stop being ridiculous . My plan is flawless . What is the worst that can happen? Yes . Augustus death- I almost stutter on the last word, but I manage to smoothly breathe it out, looking in my fathers filthy battlefields for eyes . -made me realize that strength lies in sorrow as much as in delight and confidence . That sorrow is misunderstood, I say, tasting the words slowly, delectably . It doesnt really destroy a person . In fact- I tilt my head and continue nonchalantly . It clears the mess in his head so he can see the real ugly truth about everything, everyone . It helps to clear his judgment about who the real villains are and all . Father purses his lips as if amused . You have a deep, accurate perception of this life . Its intriguing, son . Pride-worthy . Youve moved on with a lot of difficulties, but I can say it was worth it . I nod and wonder when the right time would be to fling out my gun and commence the ma.s.sacre . So- he breathes out, staring at me . Have you figured what you will do to support your family? I mean, son, a man is judged on how he keeps his familys demands fulfilled . You should start considering your options . Well, I wouldve, Father . But who would recruit a twenty-six-year-old architect with absolutely no experience? Ive been thinking about it lately- You, my son, should have no difficulty finding a job given your high IQ and the fact that youve graduated from one of the best universities in the world- he said, his voice full of authority . Unless . he trails off, his eyes lingering on me for a while too long and I hold my breath . Is he going to say unless you want to work by my side again? Yes, thats definitely the worst that can happen . Unless they ask for experience of course, he continues and I wonder if hes doing this on purpose- being so ambiguous- or if Im just being paranoid . Probably the latter . Yes . I have no experience . Father smirks . I have lots of contacts . I can ask someone to take you under their wing . If you want to, he offers and I raise my eyebrows . Thank you for your generous offer, I reply, getting bored of the roasting-in-disguise conversation we are having . As a matter of fact- I glance at the smoke still twirling lowly from the lit cigar and shrug with a smile . -I have figured out what I want to do . And just like that I fling out my gun and look up to find him holding a gun too . And suddenly my mind defines chaos . I threaten myself not to show any of the confusion in my head on my face as I watch him, still sitting on the sofa with the gun held casually in his hands, aiming at my head . A pleasant surprise, right? he smirks boredly and slowly gets to his feet . And Im not sure I can say anything because this is already getting out of my hand . This is exactly how my plan goes to the nearest dustbin as I size up his confident posture (that would never give anyone the clue that he is a fifty-something-year-old son of a b.i.t.c.h), his alert, sharp eyes and steady hands . But I got it all under control . There is no way he is ever going to slip away from me . Thatd be over my dead body . Not this time . I start by confronting him . Youre a f.u.c.king hypocrite . Father stills on my words and lifts a brow . Ok- I dont let him utter a word . You dont practice what you preach . You kill people youre supposed to protect . You terrorized me of my own self because of your mistakes . You know you are no better than those youve set me out to kill . And you hate yourself to selfishness . You wanted me to go through the same G.o.dd.a.m.ned thing . You wanted me to go through the horror of being and knowing that Im a coldblooded murderer . And you hated it that I never submitted to your barbaric methodologies . So dont tell me that it was because of complete secrecy that you didnt tell me that I killed horrific people for the government . You know that if youve worked better on our s.h.i.tty relationship, you and I would trust each other on our lives . So no, Father, I spit out bitterly . Unfortunately, it wasnt even a surprise for it to be pleasant, that were holding guns at each other . That you cant trust me with your life when you step in my house . Father nods at me feigning seriousness before his face just broke into a mocking grin, then into heavy laughter . Bravo, son! Acting would suit you just . perfect! This was breathtakingly theatrical! You taught me that I should always kill for Gorj- I say, ignoring his remark . That doesnt for a second make you an exception- Father is nodding enthusiastically before he looks me in my eyes . Then what are you waiting for? Just do it . Since when do we have to explain ourselves to the enemy? Thats the thing I dislike about you, son- he shifts and I tighten my hold around the gun . Your immense fascination with drama and theatrics . You summoned me to kill me, yet we spent almost an hour chit-chatting about this and that . Son- he says exasperatedly . -youre starting to forget my lessons . Power is slipping right between you- I dont want to be powerful! I yell at him and he smirks . See? Thats where you go wrong, again . No man doesnt desire power and greatness- You killed a lot of innocent people . Its not fair that you get to outlive them like this . You killed- you killed Audrey, Sam and G.o.d only knows who else . People are going through so much heartache for this bulls.h.i.t legacy youre worshipping- Im almost shaking from the anger as Father shakes his head and glances behind my shoulder . I dont even risk a look behind me to know that its Samantha . Yes, youre right . Its not fair, he tells me with a smirk . I had my reasons- There isnt even one reason thats good enough for murder- I say, knowing how much Ive let myself through h.e.l.l when I thought that I was his carbon copy . There wasnt a day that pa.s.sed without me hoping to kill myself in the most painful way possible . You wanted to kill my love to Audrey and you did it in the most brutal way . You killed Sam and until now, I dont even know why! Why did you break my brothers heart? I shout and he nods as if entertained by listening to all of his terrible actions . Never mind, Augustus, I pant out calmly, shaking my head . You broke million hearts . We might as well get a violin band, link arms, sway and sob, Father said distastefully . Boy, youre talking about heartbreaks instead of guns . Id understand if youd gone all soft after Augustus died . But, Julius, son, youre holding a gun to my face and fighting back tears . Its contradicting . And pathetic . Im just perplexed- I say, shaking my head . Why do you insist on treating me like a child when you very well know what Im capable of? Why did you come here with a gun if you really think Im a pathetic, dramatic boy? Well, its funny because I wasnt really coming here with a gun until your wife called me and told me you are no longer the softie you were- he said with an easy smile and I felt my stomach twist with a possible theory . Well, your wife was absolutely and horrendously worried about you, son . Worried that youd get your hands b.l.o.o.d.y again . That youd kill me- My heart is pumping and leaping so high, its a wonder why it hasnt reached heaven yet . I shake my head and scoff . Bulls.h.i.t . Samantha wouldnt do that . She promised- Samantha? Lovely, please come here, Father interjects and my heart comes crashing down when she slowly comes to his side, her face guilt-ridden . My lips part at what Im seeing and my hand shakes with the gun . Samantha, love- I raise my eyebrows, looking in her blue, casted eyes . My lips are tugged down by an invisible weight . Why? Her lips quiver before she helplessly looks at Father . Dont look at your wife like that, you idiot, I hear Father say as I try to tear my eyes away from her and fail . She wanted me to save you . That catches my attention and I lose it . BUT YOURE A G.o.dd.a.m.nED KILLER! Julius, please- I hear Samantha plead and I sharply turn to her . I dont want to even see your face right now, I tell her calmly, coldly, looking right in her eyes . I hear her heart break as she tries to compose herself after what Ive said before she fails, lets out a sob and runs upstairs . That was harsh, Julius . Thats not how you treat wome- SHUT UP! I yell and Father takes a deep breath as if I am acting like a hopeless case . Like Im a f.u.c.king lunatic . You brought me up to this! I stress out . You brought me up so that Id do whatever to Gorj . And now that I know the f.u.c.king purpose of Gorj, why do you seem to run away from your own rules? It used to be okay, I pause and shake my head . I didnt think of you as any worse than who I was when I was killing for no reason too . When I thought I was a butcher too . But now? I pant out calmly . Now, you need to be eliminated . You dont want to do this . Do what? Make the world a little bit fairer? I scoff . No- I really want to do that . You never know when a bad habit is made- he tells me and I narrow my eyes at him . What do you mean? Our bodies know very well how to treat themselves . If something gives you pleasure, if something relieves you, you will always be hungry for it- he explains and I wonder how he remains so d.a.m.ned collected after all that Ive told him . s.e.x . Smoking . You name it . But son so is murder . He c.o.c.ks his head to the side . I was so angry and it felt heavenly releasing all that stress when I stabbed that lady- Fiona was her name- to her miserable end . It felt better killing Mustafa . Better even killing Audrey because you angered me . My point is- Father shakes his head . Killing me would give you so much pleasure . Its no good, son . Wow- I raise my eyebrows in disbelief . Is that concern I sense? Because I cant believe youre believing yourself, I scoff . Are you trying to tell me that youre scared I get addicted to murder? Like you have any idea the number of times I got tempted to kill an innocent person, thinking that it would make no difference because Im a murderer anyway? I cant f.u.c.king believe you . Father smirks . You dont need to believe me because you arent going to kill me . I c.o.c.k the gun . Yeah? One day, when you take over Gorj, youll understand the pressure Ive been put- No Father, I shake my head . You dont understand . When Im taking over Gorj, Im going to discontinue your legacy . I have a copy of Mothers will . I do not care what youve accomplished because all youve accomplished is stained red and is carrying the stench of the thousands of rotting hearts youve broken . I will be- Being me- he says, panting it out hatefully . Being me is never easy . You will never be half the man I am . You cannot even take my place . Youre too much of a coward for such- Yes . You are right . But only partly, I quickly lick my dry lower lip . I can never take your place if I were to stay sane . You see, people like me and you, cannot be in this place without harming others . I look in his eyes . We share the same darkness no matter how much I hate it . Being this- I c.o.c.ked my neck at him . Whatever you call yourself, fed your darkness to brutality . Dark people like us cannot take such positions . We cannot see blood without feeling something alive pulse inside us . Something demonic . We cannot be what you want us to be without getting tempted a hundred times a day . I know . But, h.e.l.l, Father, Id rather run like a coward than losing myself to my demons . No one told you to bow to your demons . No one told you to kill for them . You never fought your temptations . It was never difficult for you . Father says nothing but stares at me like Im a new person . Killing you is only natural order, I say slowly and Father nods at me with a smile . He then lowers his gun . Drops it to the ground . And Im not sure what to feel about this . You figured me out, he says slowly, sincerely and I am beyond confused at his reaction . And Id rather die than see your demons click with mine . Kill me . I raise my eyebrows and smirk . But what about Gorj? How will I gain access to my position? Father clears his throat . Call Philips . Tell him that you have the right to take over Gorj . Tell him that I am resigning . He will deal with the authorities wholl remove all the privileges Gorj has been given . You shall not worry because Philips will be there to guide you through . He will be there to help you in your first year or so . Youll be all good . So-? My heart is breaking free . So no contract with the government or any s.h.i.t like that? No . Of course not . Things like those cant have deadlines . If I had died any moment, whoever would take over doesnt necessarily have to partic.i.p.ate in this whole siesta . I approach Father and he stands so very still, unblinking . Where do you want your ashes? With Augustus, he replies immediately and I scowl . Augustus is in the Pacific Ocean- He said he wanted to be planted- Father looks so displeased, it surprises me . You read the letter? Of course, I did- Well, Augustus doesnt deserve to be kept in a yard . He isnt a tree . He is a free, wandering soul with the expanse and the depth of the Pacific Ocean . Thats what he is . He deserves to see the endless shimmer of the blue of his mothers eyes every sunrise and sunset . He deserves to be free from us . From all of those who held him down . We dont deserve him . Never will, my eyes are already watering and I know my father notices because his face falls too . Reunite me with him . I raise my gun and press it to his forehead . Father slowly gets on his knees and my tears are flowing out in bittersweet triumph . I finally stripped my father of his own dignity . I crumpled his power with the truth . I erased his ego . I know that hed rather die than see me again . Hes staring in my eyes, waiting, waiting, waiting- I pull the trigger with a click and his tears come tumbling down as he flinches away . I smile widely as he blinks dumbly at me . His hands reach his head where theres obviously no blood . The gun was not loaded . I never planned on killing him this way . I killed him in the worst way possible . I humiliated him . And that is even more painful than losing Augustus or getting a bullet through his head . Father wordlessly gets to his feet with a sway, his lips numb and incapable of uttering a word as he looks at my merciless smile . And he runs out of the house . I watch the empty street through the wide open door and marvel at the weak sun rays . The suns setting and I think of Augustus as I toss the gun on the sofa and pull out the recorder from my back pocket . I stop the recording with a shaky finger before slamming the front door shut . Father is as good as dead, I think as I kill his cigar on the ashtray . --- The master rooms door is open and I raise my eyebrows . I step in and find Samantha curled on the huge, king-bed, golden pillow over her head as her m.u.f.fled sobs fill the air . My heart flutters in my heart at how delicate she looks, engulfed by the other pillows and crimson bed sheets . I slowly approach the bed before lowering myself on it . Samantha mustve felt my weight because her sobs come to a sudden end . I lay down, smile to myself before spooning her . She is so warm from all the crying she was doing . She tightens her hold around the pillow as I hear her breaths slow . I then raise the pillow just a little, using some force of course so I could whisper something in her ears . Im not mad at you . A pause . Youre not? comes the m.u.f.fled response and I smile . Of course, not . Another pause . She then yanks the pillow from her face and slowly sits up, looking at me wide-eyed, tear-stained-cheeked and messy-haired . Her lips part when she sees the grin on my face . You looked mad . How can you be mad at someone you love? I ask her and she tears up . You-you didnt see- You didnt see how-how you glared at-at me, Caesar! she stutters, wiping away her tears . I was acting . No- she sniffs, shaking her head . Yes . No, no . Yah, yah . Alexander- she trails off and I purse my lips . Is dead . She tries to smile and fails . You killed him? No . Listen . And I pull out the recorder from the back of my pocket . I play it . Samantha is still staring at the recorder when it finishes before she breathes out loudly . Oh, my days, Caesar! she gets too excited, grabbing my forearm . Youre a genius! I shrug and she pinches my cheeks . Youre so cute! I swipe her hands away and frown . She knows I dont like that move . But why didnt you tell me? I was worried sick- Yes . Thats what made it believable . Father is a snake . But I told him- she says in a small, embarra.s.sed voice and I smile . It didnt matter anyway- Oh my G.o.d- she gasps . I put you in danger! He couldve used the gun on you! No . Look . My father hates me . But not more than himself . I dont think hed be able to live with it if he lost me too . I dont understand . I sigh heavily, taking her hand in mine . Honestly, Father is one of the most complex people Ive ever known . Ever . And in a twisted kind of way, he loves me . And maybe he was pushing me to my extremes, thinking Id one day take his place . And so, he wanted to prepare me for the horrors he had seen . Look, I sigh and smile lazily . I dont even know and I dont plan on knowing . Samantha nods slowly . So, whats next? Submitting that s.h.i.t to the police and watch him get behind the bars . And then? And then I take over Gorj, I say and Samantha shifts uncomfortably . And dont worry there are no contracts . I wriggle my eyebrows and she beams at me . And then? she sucks in her lower lip and I shrug . And then we live our life, Samantha . I get you to the honeymoon we never had- I wink and she gasps . Yes! A honeymoon! I chuckle at how she reacts . Ill take you to Venice . Samanthas face freezes before she literally tackles me . I fall on my back on the bed laughing as she kisses my face . I love you! I love you! I love you! Aghhh, JULIUS, I LOVE YOU! I try to hold her back but shes kissing my lips and pinching my hopeless, displeased cheeks like theres no tomorrow . I reach for her belly and start tickling her . She stops, falling to her side with laughter as I ruthlessly tickle her . LEAVE MY JELLY-BELLY! she shrieks, her voice engulfed by her joyous laughter . Yes, thats what she calls her belly after she had Samantha . It is funny how she makes fun of herself and her new, motherly body which only made me fall in love more and more . Including, jelly-belly, jiggly-tatas (for b.o.o.bs), Hagrid-thighs (a real exaggeration, she is still as beautiful as ever) and virginified-vajayjay (since we hadnt had s.e.x for two to three months as she grew more and more tired with the pregnancy . But I took care of that the day before yesterday) . Your jelly-belly is mine, I tease her as I pin her hands to tickle her more . Shes laughing to tears now . And then Augusta starts wailing . I drop her hands and still above her as we both wait for this beat of silence to get broken again . And it does . Yup . Augusta, Samantha and I say in sync as I get off of her . We both get to her pink room . I stand in the doorway as Samantha gets into her so pink and sparkly room . It revolts me a lot . But I have a daughter and I got to love pink for her . Samantha approaches her white (yes!) crib quickly and takes her in her arms . I smile at the sight of them swaying in the middle of the room before I slowly approach them from behind . I wrap my arms around Samantha from the back, rest my chin on her shoulder as I look down to 3the miracle fidgeting, restlessly in her arms . I smile, close my eyes and breathe in deeply . And I know . I know for sure that all is good . All will be good .