「Return: Chapter 6
“Are you alright? Have you calmed down?”
“……Yes……”
After my coughing had somewhat subsided, s.h.i.+rai peered into my face, looking worried.
“I’m sorry I’ve startled you,” he said, bowing deeply.
“No……”
As he continued to apologize, I prayed that this meant he was dismissing the recent topic of ‘gay’. Gay……I didn’t honestly perceive myself to be gay. If someone asked me if I felt s.e.xual interest towards the same s.e.x, I was certain that I would immediately reply ‘no’. But what if someone asked me, what about ‘him’? If they asked me whether I felt s.e.xual interest towards ‘him, and if they asked me whether I had any pa.s.sionate feelings, either emotionally or physically towards him, then I would probably hesitate in my answer.
I was sure that I wouldn’t be able to give a definite answer, so because of this, I wanted to avoid s.h.i.+rai’s question. I didn’t understand what s.h.i.+rai was getting at by asking such a thing. Perhaps I acted like I was gay? Oh, but of course, maybe he himself was gay and was seeking himself a same-s.e.x partner? As soon as the word ‘same-s.e.x partner’ came into my head, I wondered if perhaps he thought I was a possibility. Inadvertently, I looked at s.h.i.+rai.
s.h.i.+rai caught my gaze, smiled, and then said, “I like you.”
“……….”
Two thoughts swirled in my mind: ‘I knew it’ and ‘that’s ridiculous’. It all made sense to me now. I now understood the reason he had cut ties with his parents. It was because he was gay. My thinking ‘that’s ridiculous’ came from the fact that there was no way a popular man like s.h.i.+rai, who was considered marvelous in both his appearance and personality by everyone regardless of gender, would come to like a good-for-nothing man like me. Perhaps he was kidding? It would be more likely for him to smile and say he was joking, I thought, but s.h.i.+rai’s eyes had an honest light in them.
“I like you……but there’s no need for you to think you can’t turn me down just because I’m your boss. First, to clear things up, if I made a mistake about you being gay, you may tell me so. I won’t act differently towards you if that is the case, oh, and of course I won’t tell you to get out of the apartment either.” s.h.i.+rai spoke swiftly, daring to sound cheerful.
I realized that this was because a long time had pa.s.sed without me saying anything.
“Ah, um……” I said, finally realizing this.
“Hm?”
s.h.i.+rai stopped talking and looked questioningly at me, his head tilted to one side, and I was at a loss about how I should answer him. I had two choices: yes or no. Had s.h.i.+rai really been serious when he had told me that he liked me? I wasn’t sure, but it seemed that his att.i.tude and tone of voice were serious. What should I do? I panicked as s.h.i.+rai waited patiently for me to speak. But even as he waited on me, I could not come up with an answer.
‘I’m sorry’ were the obvious words I should have said. But I didn’t have the courage to flatly turn down my boss’s confession. It wasn’t like I didn’t trust him when he had said that he wasn’t going to hara.s.s me if I turned him down. But I was so grateful for how much care and thought he had given me this whole time, that I felt like there was no way I could flatly reject him. That being said, I couldn’t reciprocate s.h.i.+rai’s feelings. As soon as I would reciprocate, we would become lovers, but if we were to become then, naturally, we would do the things that lovers do. I couldn’t imagine myself kissing s.h.i.+rai nor had I any desire to do so.
If you ‘can’ do something, then you are able accept it and do it without much protest, but when it comes to whether you ‘want’ to do it or not, then you can’t make yourself do it even if you try. That was how I felt.
Whether or not he had done everything up until now with an ulterior motive, I was still grateful to him. If I told myself to act on my grat.i.tude and express it, I felt like I could endure it to some extent. But to endure it all the way, I myself did not wish that. Would the person who truly felt feelings of love, really desire for his partner to just ‘endure’ it? If I was s.h.i.+rai and my partner did that, I would be hurt. No matter how much I thought, I couldn’t come up with an answer and my thoughts just went round and round in circles. Time pa.s.sed by in silence. Then s.h.i.+rai was the one who broke this unbearable silence.
“……Do you at least not feel disgusted?”
“Yes, I……” I was surprised and confused, but I didn’t feel ‘disgusted’. I answered honestly, but it seemed that s.h.i.+rai thought that I was just being considerate and being polite.
“You can tell me if you think it’s disgusting, you know? I understand to an extent how people who hate gays feel. Because my parents were like that, you see. That’s why if you feel like that, it’s okay, I completely don’t mind.”
Although I didn’t feel disgusted by his wordy explanation, I felt inconvenienced. I didn’t hold any feelings of disgust towards gays. Actually, men had never come on to me before, so……As I was thinking this, a face of one man popped into my mind.
“When I first met you…I think I fell in love.”
A beautiful, pleasant, baritone voice rang in my ear.
That beauty mark by the mouth. That white transparent-like skin. Those misty, black eyes. And……
“……s.h.i.+mizu-kun?”
When he called my name a little bit louder, I came to my senses.
“I- I’m sorry. I s.p.a.ced out a little……”
I quickly apologized to s.h.i.+rai in front of me, and he said, “It’s okay.” forcing a smile.
“If you don’t feel disgusted, then I wonder, can I invite you out to eat like this again?”
“……….”
s.h.i.+rai had a very nervous expression on his face. I hesitated about how to answer, but I realized that if I kept silent, s.h.i.+rai would definitely a.s.sume I was saying ‘no’. I thought that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to go out for at least a meal, but if I said it was okay to go out to eat, then I would be giving him some sort of hope and that wouldn’t be good, would it? I continued to hesitate, caught between these two thoughts, but then gave in to pressure and answered him.
“Yes,” I said.
“s.h.i.+mizu-kun……”
A smile appeared on s.h.i.+rai’s stiff facial expression.
“……….”
Had I made the right choice? I had only done this to avoid an unpleasant moment just now, hadn’t I? For a moment, I felt regret fill my chest, but there was no going back now.
“Thank you. Really……”
I felt more and more regret at the sight of s.h.i.+rai being filled with emotion.
“No, there’s…there’s nothing to thank me for……”
When we went out to eat, no, not only when we went out to eat, when I went out anywhere with s.h.i.+rai, I had never paid for anything. Of course I had insisted on paying, but s.h.i.+rai had never let me take out my wallet. If we go out to eat next time, he will probably treat me again. Somehow it felt like I was ‘having cake and eating it too’. To me, s.h.i.+rai was no other than a reliable boss. This would never change. I should let s.h.i.+rai know this, I thought but didn’t say it. I was protecting myself. If I complicated my relations.h.i.+p with s.h.i.+rai, it would be hard to work under him after that.
This made me seem like an awfully indecent man…actually, I was indecent…
With these thoughts, I fell into self-hatred.
If that was the case, then I should act like one.
In the end, after everything had happened, I continued talking to s.h.i.+rai, who had changed the subject as if nothing had happened. We eagerly talked about the future of the project.
Every time, after we finished eating out, s.h.i.+rai escorted me to my apartment.
We took the same taxi, and he got out before me. Such was the way he escorted me. Naturally, I was sorry for this, so today, I decided to take the train home.
“No need to worry. Besides, it’s not like I’m thinking of doing anything strange,” s.h.i.+rai said, almost trying to force me to take the taxi, but I refused, saying I was sorry, and overcame him.
“Really, it’s okay.”
Perhaps s.h.i.+rai had caught on. He shrugged his shoulders like he had given up and looked unhappy.
“I’m sorry……Thank you for the meal.”
Today he had treated me to a meal, which was over a hundred thousand yen1 again. s.h.i.+rai had said that he didn’t have any ulterior motives, but he treated me to an expensive meal every time, escorted me to my apartment, and took me out to have fun. I received so many favors from him that it was quite too much. Because of this, I feared that it was unnatural of him to say that he didn’t have any ulterior motives. I was aware that I was being rude for thinking this, but if I were a h.o.m.os.e.xual, I don’t think I could do all these things for a person I ‘liked’ without a special reason behind it. I knew that s.h.i.+rai was more of a n.o.ble man than I was; nevertheless, I couldn’t help but think that it was impossible to do all of this without an ulterior motive. So since I knew that I could never satisfy this ‘ulterior motive’, I could not happily accept so much kindness from such a n.o.ble man.
s.h.i.+rai, who was usually persistent in persuading, gave up on me when I said I would take the subway, so he also took the subway home, going in the opposite direction.
It was very crowded inside the compartment because it was right before the last train departs, so as I got on, I wondered how my relations.h.i.+p with s.h.i.+rai was going to be like after this. I thought I was thinking about that, but I realized that my mind was being occupied by an entirely different thought.
“I don’t want you to forget.”
Those black, smiling eyes.
“Your body is so lewd.”
Those flexible, coiling arms and legs.
“You won’t forget about me?”
He definitely existed in this world.
I used to dream sometimes, but ever since I transferred to the Kansai region, I became a light sleeper, so I used sleeping pills on a regular basis. Because of that, I had stopped dreaming.
Now, I desired to see him if only in my dreams, so today I decided I would go to bed without taking the pills. I wished to dream about him.
“……Idiot……”
I came to my senses at the sound of my own mutter and sighed. At that time…at the time I had reunited with him in Chigasaki Hospital, why hadn’t I kept on searching for him? I should have pursued him. But time cannot be turned back no matter how much you wish it could, so I knew it was pointless to regret. Nevertheless, I couldn’t help but regret it anyway. Perhaps because I sighed so deeply, the people around me turned to look at me with great interest.
“……….”
It’s nothing, I looked down, trying to let them know that, and once again, ‘his’ face appeared in my mind. I want to see him…this thought surged inside of me, and I noticed that my right hand was tightly clutching the part of my suit near my heart.
It has been two years since I had seen ‘him’. His false name was Suzuki. I wanted to know his real name. Could I reunite with him if I went to Chigasaki again? No, that time he had been there temporarily, so even if I visited the hospital now, the probability of seeing him again was low. First of all, it was a day off, so the hospital was closed except for emergencies. I let out such a deep sigh that the people around me turned to look at me again.
That nurse! Maybe if I asked her, she would know at least his contact address? I desperately tried to remember her face and what was written on the nametag that was clipped to her chest but then caught myself and almost muttered ‘idiot’ again. Before the words left my mouth, I bit my lip and stopped myself. Supposing I was lucky enough to remember her name, what on earth did I want to ask her? Please tell me the name of the doctor who had examined me one year ago on behalf of the main doctor from the Psychotherapy Department? Supposing I was to ask her that, she would just laugh, saying that she didn’t remember, and that would be the end of that. Even though I was ridiculing myself on how I couldn’t remember her name, I realized that my hand still grasped my lapel. My chest hurt. It hurt so much. Surely this pain would continue until the day I see ‘him’. With this strong belief in mind, I breathed quietly, trying to somehow let this pain pa.s.s by, but the pain only increased, putting me at a loss.
s.h.i.+rai’s att.i.tude towards me did not change after what had happened. The project began to progress smoothly, and I even started to gradually interact more with my fellow members.
“It’s surprisingly easy to talk to ya.”
The other members of the project had taken note of my being unfamiliar with Kansai dialect, but actually, they were a little drawn to my standard j.a.panese and had told me that when we were having our now frequent conversations about work related things.
“I thought ya were a stuck up brat!”
“……I’m sorry.”
“What’re ya apologizing for? You’re not stuck up, eh?”
When I became used to talking, our language was no longer a barrier. I talked in standard j.a.panese as always and they had their Kansai dialect, but communication now went on much smoother. For starters, when we worked together, I now easily felt like I was part of the team. On top of that, when work went well, this further increased the feeling of inclusiveness in me. I completely opened up to them in less than a month, but when that happened, s.h.i.+rai stopped inviting me out as often as before. It seemed that he, a leader of the project and also a boss, thought that it would not be good to favorite only me. On the other hand, this wasn’t bad. s.h.i.+rai began to frequently invite all the other members of the project out for drinks, and thanks to that, my interaction with the members increased more and more that it even became fun to come to work.
However, gradually everything started to change into something not smooth. The number of times s.h.i.+rai invited me to go out on holidays had increased. Before, it had become a frequent pattern to go out with the staff and s.h.i.+rai’s friends, but perhaps he wanted to avoid any gossip that might reach his subordinates, so he started to invite me to go out with him alone.
We went to the movies. We went for a drive.
Since it was rare that there was any work to do on weekends, the only reason to refuse would have to be my physical condition, but I hesitated to give such an excuse. I couldn’t refuse his invitations by giving him such a reason, so I went out with him. We went to see movies, we went for a drive to Mount Rokko, but little by little, I started to feel uncomfortable. s.h.i.+rai had feelings of love towards me. Knowing that and accepting his invitations meant that I was letting him think I was accepting his feelings, didn’t it? Otherwise, I would have flatly refused his invitations, right? I should have refused from the start by saying ‘I’m sorry’ when he had first asked me ‘Can I invite you out to eat again?’
We started going out with just the two of us. Since this was a secret from everyone, I began feeling uncomfortable. But it wasn’t like there was a change or anything in the usual bold way that s.h.i.+rai had always approached me. He contacted me as he had done before, but since I now knew how he felt, I couldn’t help but feel guilty, because with things as they were, it was simply me taking advantage of his kindness.
Although I tried as hard as I could to not let it show on my face or in my att.i.tude, there was now a lot of silence between us when we went out. When that happened, s.h.i.+rai started to be more and more considerate, increasing the level of my discomfort.
I should not accept his invitations anymore, I decided.
I found an opportunity and decided that I would tell him that I wanted to stop going out with him like this from now on. My heart was set on that, so when s.h.i.+rai invited me to go see a movie that weekend, I told him I would, but planned to tell him what I had decided after we were done watching the movie and before we went out to eat.
s.h.i.+rai reserved the seats for couples, which were at the very top row in the cinema. Even though the seats were for couples, they didn’t look like love chairs. They were two separate seats connected to each other. There were five of these couple seats, but because business was slow for this cinema, we were the only ones in this row. The movie was popular, but this was already the fourth week of showing, so the room was about sixty percent filled with people. I had wanted to see the movie, so I was truly enjoying the showing. But as the movie neared the end, s.h.i.+rai suddenly grasped my hand and squeezed it. Inadvertently, I pulled my eyes away from the screen and looked at him.
“……….”
s.h.i.+rai stared firmly at the screen, but in this dim light, I could see from the side of his face that he looked nervous.
What should I do? I thought.
I knew that I should free my hand, but I couldn’t move when I realized how awkward it would be after I freed my hand.
I was aware that my hand was sweating. Nervousness was making it sweat, and I thought that could be the reason to pull my hand away.
“……I’m sorry……” I said in a tiny voice barely audible to anyone and gently tried to pull my hand away.
“……!”
Perhaps sensing that I was going to do this, s.h.i.+rai grasped my hand tighter. I jumped.
“……No……?” s.h.i.+rai also asked in a voice that no one other than me could hear.
It’s no if it’s disgusting. It’s yes if it’s desirable.
In English, when someone asks you ‘It’s not___,is it?’ you answer ‘No’ if you find that it isn’t. You answer ‘Yes’, if you find that it is. In j.a.panese, when someone asks you ‘No?’ and you think it’s a no, then you answer yes. If you find that it’s a yes, you answer no. It’s complicated.
I realized my thoughts were straying, but I accidentally started thinking about that. Then s.h.i.+rai asked me again, “No?” forcing me to answer.
“……I’m worried…..about the sweat.”
This wasn’t a lie at all. Even I would hesitate if someone told me, ‘Here take my sweaty hand.’ I thought that surely, s.h.i.+rai would understand, but his reaction exceeded my expectations.
“Don’t worry.”
He grasped my hand ever so tightly, and I was at a loss, thinking, what on earth should I do? I thought maybe I should insist that it bothered me, but the movie was still playing, so it would be bad to say too much. In the end, I left my right hand in s.h.i.+rai’s until the movie was over. s.h.i.+rai finally let go of my hand when the end credits began to roll probably because the lights were going to be turned on soon.
“……Sorry……” he muttered.
I a.s.sumed that the reason he was apologizing was because he understood that I didn’t agree to us holding hands.
“……Um……”
It wasn’t like I calculated to take advantage of this opportunity, but if I was going to tell him, now was the time to do it. I opened my mouth to speak, “……I’m sorry. I only see you as a respectable boss, Mr. s.h.i.+rai.”
No one was around us but I was still worried, so not only did I speak in a tiny voice, I also spoke quickly.
“……….”
Had s.h.i.+rai understood what I was trying to say or maybe he hadn’t heard me? I couldn’t tell from his blank expression. Before long, the end credits ended and the lights suddenly came on inside the room.
“Let’s talk a little,” s.h.i.+rai said, smiling.
“……Okay……”
His smile was stiff. I a.s.sumed that he had heard me, and I followed him. He led me to a small, high-cla.s.s sus.h.i.+ house. I was nervous about how much it could cost.
Then he said to me, “We can talk here without worrying about being seen.”
He told me there was no need to worry and suggested some drinks.
“Um…..I……”
I thought he had understood that I couldn’t accept his feelings, and yet, he still brought me here to this expensive-looking restaurant. I decided I would try telling him this again before the food arrived. If I could do that, then I could leave this restaurant immediately. Deciding that, I was just about to open my mouth to speak, but s.h.i.+rai spoke before me.
“s.h.i.+zimu-kun, is there someone you like?”
“Eh?”
I was left speechless from this sudden question. Was this how he had interpreted my silence? s.h.i.+rai spoke again, “There’s someone else you like…right?”
It seemed that he had not figured it out. I shook my head no as he started to pile on his questions.
“No……That’s not it……”
“But you can’t accept my feelings. That’s it, right?”
“…….I’m sorry……”
I bowed deeply in front of s.h.i.+rai who had a wry smile on his face.
“There’s no need to apologize. There’s no rule that says you must fall in love with the person who falls in love with you.”
“But, like this……” I still feel sorry, I was about to say, but s.h.i.+rai continued, talking over me.
“I don’t mind. I would be happy if you do fall in love with me, but it’s okay even if you’re not in love with me. I really enjoy spending time with you. So if you’d like, I want us to eat out and go out for fun in the future. I’ll never touch you again.”
“……….……….”
‘I can’t’ I should have said. Logically, I knew that, but I just couldn’t say it.
“Then let’s eat. Can you let your good old boss decide?” s.h.i.+rai said cheerfully and began to smile.
“……….I’m truly……….” Sorry, I bowed deeply and heard s.h.i.+rai’s very kind voice in my ear.
“There’s no need to apologize. Please don’t make me say the same thing again. Please.”
“……….”
What should I do? I was at a loss, unable to come up in the slightest with a reply. Once again, I thought myself a coward who had chosen the road of escape. I didn’t have the power to foresee into the future, so I didn’t know what would happen from here on out. In the end, not only had s.h.i.+rai treated me, he had even escorted me by taxi to my apartment that day.
1 ¥ 10,000 is about $100 U.S.D