Saying it out loud to Tessa had only confirmed what he had instinctively known-that this was his life now, and he needed to start living it. Not just managing it, not just keeping his head above water, not just surviving, but taking charge, making changes. He"d invested his time in his business but not his heart.
Maybe that"s what he"d done with his marriage, too. Maybe it had been easier to live the life that had happened to him instead of making it his own. But, h.e.l.l, when had he had time to think about any of it; he"d been too busy growing up, being a father, running a business.
Well, it was time now. In fact, it was past time.
The door opened behind him, and he didn"t have to turn around to know that Alli had entered the room. He could smell her. He could feel her. Maybe it was because they hadn"t had s.e.x in months. Maybe that was why he was so attuned to her. He couldn"t possibly miss her.
"Grams hasn"t changed," she said.
He turned around and saw the shadows under her eyes, the tight lines around her mouth, the worry in her expression. Her hair drifted loose from its clip, and her black pants and matching sweater only emphasized her aura of gloom.
"The doctors said it was normal for Phoebe"s body to shut down for a while," he reminded her. "She"s suffered a trauma."
"It"s been twenty-four hours since it happened. I think that"s long enough to sleep, especially for Grams. She never sleeps. I talked to her, trying to get her interested enough to open her eyes and look at me, but she just wouldn"t. It"s so frustrating."
Sam looked at the clock on the wall, suddenly realizing it was after five. He"d meant to get back to the hospital but he"d let the work take over his mind, relieved to have something constructive to focus on. "When did you see your grandmother?"
"About an hour ago. William was still there. I don"t think he"s left her side all day." Alli cleared her throat and looked down at her shoes. "Apparently, he lent Tessa his car so she could go back to the house and rest."
Sam nodded, wary of Tessa"s entrance into the conversation.
"I"d like to go back tonight, but I don"t want to take Megan there again," Alli said. "She needs to be at home, watching television, playing, being normal. I don"t want her worrying about Grams."
"I"ll stay with her."
Alli hesitated. "At the house?"
"At our house," he said pointedly. "Of course."
"I didn"t know if it would be uncomfortable for you to be there."
"It"s uncomfortable for me to not be there," he said shortly.
"I told you I would leave and you could stay, Sam."
"And I told you it was better for Megan to be with her mother in her own house, her own bedroom. I still feel that way."
"Well, thank you,"
"Would you stop being so f.u.c.king polite?" he shouted, fed up with their conversation.
"Polite? You"re angry with me for being polite?" she asked in amazement. "That"s a switch. Didn"t you call me selfish, childish? Now I"m in trouble for acting like a polite adult? I can"t win, can I?"
For some reason he was relieved to see the sparkle come back into her eyes, the color sweep across her cheeks. She looked alive again. She looked like Alli.
"I"m the one who can"t win," he said. "You get pregnant, so I marry you. But that"s not enough. I work like a dog to make a life for us, but I don"t spend enough time with you. I take care of you and watch over you, but because I don"t send you love letters, I"m a b.a.s.t.a.r.d."
"I never asked for love letters. I asked for love," she cried, stepping forward as she shook her finger in his face. "Not once, Sam Tucker-not once have you ever said I love you."
Her wedding ring caught in the fading sunlight and sent sparks dancing off the wall, blinding him with memories. So she hadn"t taken it off. He couldn"t hear what she was saying. He couldn"t remember what he was going to say, because her face was too close and her breath came in gasps that reminded him of the way she breathed when they made love.
He felt himself lean forward and saw her do the same. Suddenly her mouth was in reach, her lips were under his, and she tasted like his best dream, his best meal, his best kiss.
And she kissed him back. Her lips opened under his and he slipped his tongue between the seam before she had a chance to shut him out, before she remembered that she didn"t like him and he didn"t love her. But this wasn"t about thinking, it was about feeling, wanting, taking, and he took, kissing her again and again, his body hardening with each taste, his hands seeking her soft curves.
She seemed to melt into him like a sail catching a breeze, going along for the ride, for the simple thrill of it all. It was so easy, so freeing, so-over.
Alli shoved him away hard, her hair flying around her face, tangled from his fingers, her eyes glittering with desire, with fear. "What the h.e.l.l are we doing?"
It was a good question. A d.a.m.ned good question. He just wished he had an answer. The silence went on too long as he wrestled with an explanation.
"Let"s just forget that happened," she said finally, crossing her arms in front of her chest, then uncrossing them, as she shifted from one foot to the other. "What time will you come to the house?"
"What time do you want me?"
"I don"t want you," she burst out. She put a shaky hand to her mouth. "I don"t want you."
"I thought we were going to forget."
"You shouldn"t have kissed me."
"You shouldn"t have kissed me back," he replied.
"Bad habit."
He nodded. Wasn"t that the truth?
"Come by in an hour," she said more decisively. "I"ll feed Megan before you get there, and I"ll be home by ten."
"Do you want an apology, Alli?"
Her eyes met his. "That"s the last thing I want, Sam. Don"t you know that yet?"
Chapter 6.
*"I wish I knew what to say to you." Tessa scooted forward in the chair next to the hospital bed. She wanted to take Phoebe"s hand, but she was afraid to touch her, because this pale, lifeless woman did not look anything like her vibrant grandmother.
"I guess I should tell you how things are going, if you can hear me. The nurse thinks you might like some conversation." Tessa took a deep breath, then continued. "I saw Sam and Alli today. I knew I would when I got on the plane to come back here. I don"t know what I was expecting. They look the same, and yet they don"t. Sam felt like my friend. Alli looked like my sister." She paused. "But the truth is-Sam isn"t my friend, and Alli isn"t my sister. I don"t want to feel anything for them. It hurt so bad the last time we were all together. How can I go through that again?"
Tessa settled back in the chair and crossed her legs, wishing her grandmother could tell her everything would work out. Then she realized how selfish that sounded. Grams was fighting for her life, and Tessa was worrying about an old love affair Maybe she really was as shallow as Alli had said.
Disturbed by her thoughts, she got to her feet and paced around the small room, which was sterile and frightening. Tessa hated the smells of medicine and disinfectant, the sounds of beeps and bells. She especially hated the nurses who were laughing in the hall like everything was fine, when there were people who couldn"t laugh, who couldn"t speak, who weren"t fine.
"I don"t want you to be here, Grams," she said, returning to the side of her grandmother"s bed. "I want things to be the way they were."
Tessa"s vision blurred with a sudden rush of tears. She couldn"t cry. Models didn"t cry, not ever. It was bad for the eyes, bad for the complexion. Crying made her human, and she wasn"t supposed to be human, she was supposed to be super, extraordinary, out of this world. But right now she felt small and helpless.
Reaching for a box of tissues, Tessa deliberately blew her nose and wiped her eyes, just the way her grandmother had done after they"d buried Tessa"s parents and gotten on with their lives.
"I"m going to get through this and so are you," Tessa said, resuming her seat. "I did meet Megan today. She"s just as beautiful and smart and funny as you said. And she might have been the only one who was actually happy to see me arrive. Sam looked-shocked when he saw me, and wary. I don"t remember him being so careful with his words, so quiet. And Alli was angry, guilty ... I don"t know. Sam says she has grown up. Maybe she has. It doesn"t matter. We might be sisters in blood, but there isn"t anything else there. Sometimes that"s the way it is with sisters."
Tessa let out a sigh. "I really wish this hadn"t happened to you, that we were sitting on a lounger on a beach somewhere sipping those pina coladas that you like so much. I wish I could hear you laughing and see you doing those crossword puzzles that drive you crazy or digging in your garden. I"ve never seen anyone who enjoyed being dirty as much as you do. I can"t remember when I last had dirt under my fingernails.
"I hate this, Grams," she said with desperation. "I don"t want you to be sick. I need you to tell me everything will be okay, just like when I was a kid. Please, Grams, can"t you just tell me that? You remember how it goes: "I can"t die yet, honey, because I haven"t finished counting the stars-"" Tessa"s breath caught in her throat as her grandmother"s eyelids began to flicker.
She sat up straight, her heart pounding against her chest with impossible hope. "Grams?"
Another flicker, then a blink, and Tessa was staring into her grandmother"s light blue eyes. There was no recognition at first, but another blink seemed to bring Phoebe closer to awareness.
"Oh, my G.o.d. You"re awake." She clapped a hand to her mouth. "It"s me, Grams-it"s Tessa."
Phoebe"s mouth trembled but didn"t open, and a silent battle went on in her eyes that grew more panicked by the second.
"Oh, no! You can"t talk, can you?"
Phoebe didn"t answer or couldn"t answer, Tessa wasn"t sure which. "I don"t know what to do. I should call the nurse or the doctor or William," Tessa said wildly, looking around the room for something, someone...
The door opened as her prayers were heard, and she looked toward it in relief. Even seeing Alli step into the room didn"t diminish her feeling of relief. "Thank G.o.d you"re here! She"s awake. Grams is awake." Tessa jerked her head toward Phoebe. "But she can"t talk." Tessa jumped to her feet. "We should get someone."
"She"s awake?" Alli echoed, coming around the other side of the bed so that Grams lay between them.
"Isn"t that what I just said?"
"I"ll call the nurse." Alli pushed the call b.u.t.ton lying on the mattress next to Phoebe, then she picked up Phoebe"s hand and stroked it rea.s.suringly. "Everything will be all right, Grams."
Tessa watched as Phoebe"s eyes focused on Alli"s face. It was plain to see that her grandmother could hear Alli, that she was listening with every last ounce of her energy.
Alli smiled down at her rea.s.suringly. "Don"t worry. You"re just half asleep, Grams. It takes a few minutes for your muscles to catch up. You know, you"ve been sleeping all day. It"s about time you woke up. Don"t try to talk yet. You need to get your energy back first. Okay?"
Tessa stared at her younger sister in amazement. Who was this calm, supportive woman? She looked like Alli, but she certainly wasn"t acting like the impulsive wild teenager she remembered. This woman in the black jeans and black sweater seemed graceful, a.s.sured, in complete control.
But when Alli looked across the bed at her, Tessa saw the fear in Alli"s brown eyes and felt a shocking sisterly connection that she"d thought had died a long time ago.
"When did she wake up?" Alli asked.
"A few minutes ago. I was talking to her, and she suddenly opened her eyes."
"I tried to get her to wake up hours ago." Alli looked back at Phoebe with a more familiar and uncertain smile. "I guess you heard Tessa"s voice and had to wake up, huh?"
Tessa heard the insecurity. It had always been that way. Alli putting her own ridiculous spin on a simple word or an innocent gesture. Before she could say a word, a nurse walked into the room.
"Can I help you?" the nurse asked.
"Our grandmother is awake," Alli replied.
The nurse smiled as she walked over to the bed. "That"s good news, isn"t it? Mrs. MacGuire?"
"She doesn"t seem able to speak," Tessa interrupted.
"I"ll call Dr. Price and let him know that your grandmother is awake." The nurse checked Phoebe"s vital signs and noted them on the chart. When she was done, she patted Phoebe"s hand. "You"re doing great, Mrs. MacGuire. Just rest and don"t worry about anything."
Will Dr.
Price check on her tonight?" Alli asked the nurse.
"I"ll leave him a message, but Dr. Rogers is on call tonight. I"ll have him stop by to check on your grandmother. This is the first step, and sometimes there are just baby steps in the beginning. You"ll have to be patient." The nurse sent them both another rea.s.suring smile and walked out of the room.
"Baby steps. Be patient," Alli muttered. "These nurses drive me crazy. And they barely stay long enough to get one question answered, much less two."
"Do you think Grams knows what happened to her?" Tessa asked.
Alli"s gaze returned to her grandmother. "You had a stroke, Grams. You"re in the hospital, but you"re getting better."
"Alli, do you think you should have told her just like that?" Tessa protested.
"She can hear you as well as me, you know." Alli turned back to Phoebe. "William will be back in a few minutes. He has barely left your side since you got here. He"ll be so happy to see the roses in your cheeks."
Tessa"s stomach clenched at one of her grandmother"s favorite refrains: Go outside and run around, put some roses in your cheeks. You don"t need to wear blush to be pretty, you just need to live life.
Tessa started shaking her head, feeling hot and cold, caught in the past, trapped in the present. "This isn"t right. Grams shouldn"t be here. She shouldn"t be this sick."
Alli stared at her in amazement. "She will get better, Tessa."
"You don"t know that."
"I do know that. I won"t let it be any other way." Alli looked down at Phoebe. "You know how stubborn I am. Well, you and I are going to work very hard to get you back on your feet as soon as possible. We have too many things coming up for you to be sick. There"s the kite festival and the Fourth of July, your favorite day of the year, and we have clam chowder to make, and you promised Megan you"d show her how to needlepoint this summer, remember?"
Tessa watched as Alli held Phoebe"s gaze with her quiet confident words. Maybe Sam was right. Maybe Alli did act like an adult sometimes.
After a few moments, Phoebe"s eyes grew tired, and she drifted off to sleep once again. It was then that Tessa realized she and Alli were truly alone, no one to act as a buffer. How long had it been since there had been just the two of them in a room? What on earth would they say?
Alli"s eyes met hers and she saw the same conflicting emotions.
"She"ll probably sleep for a while," Alli said. "You can go if you want. I"ll stay with her."
"I can stay, too."
"You must be tired."
"No more tired than you."